Lawson (Understanding BPD Mother) - (3) Chapter2-The Darkness Within

[bethanny]

Borderline mother's fear of abandonment may consistently interfere with the child's need to separate.

Borderline mother:
confuses child
expects to be taken care of
does not apologize for or remember inappropriate behavior
undermines child's self esteem
uses threat of abandonment to control or abandonment to punish
does not trust child or believe in his or her natural goodness
envies child
etc.

Four types of borderline mothers, but may overlap

Waif = Life is Hard (sadness)
Hermit = Life is Dangerous (fear)
Queen = Life is All About Me (empty)
Witch = Life is War (hate) (Medean mother in this group and most dangerous)

Borderlines compulsively social because identity dependent on relationships, often popular with acquaintances

Relationship with borderline mother shifts when child turns 2 and is less dependent on her and seeking early mastery.

Siblings can have different relationships with borderline mother.

"No-good child" is targeted by borderline mother with her negative projections.  "All good child" is parentified.

Loyalty is rewarded.  To perceive betrayal borderline mother erupts with annihilating anger, paranoid accusations and/or abandonment.

Resiliency in childhood is based on the conviction by a child that he or she is loved.

Trauma stunts growth.

Children need to be held, to be mirrored, to be soothed, to be given some control

Waif needs to be held, Hermit needs to be soothed, Queen needs to be mirrored, and Witch needs control

Invalidating environment causes a person to become a BPD

Denigration of child shatters self esteem before a soul can develop

Invalidating families teach children that pretending to be happy is more important than being happy.  They teach talking about feelings makes things worse.

Danger of child of BPD mother becoming BPD

Ongoing stress on children causes neurological changes

BPDs need access to long term treatment

Healthy individuals who have adequate sense of self do not self-disintegrate when stressed because they have enough self esteem grounded from previous validations.

Cycle of self-hatred reinforced within borderline when she behaves destructively. She often frightens herself at same time is frightening her child.

The borderline and her child can drown together in stormy sea.

[Turkish]

Thanks for these summaries bethanny. I read the book about 7 years ago, and referred to it occasionally since then. It's this the first time you've read the book?

[bethanny]

Turkish,

I am recommending the book to a friend IRL. I don't know if it applies to her history but I suspect so.  I want to refresh my own knowledge with this amazing book and also be able to support her emotionally and discuss things with her readily and intelligently if or when she is interested in sharing with me.

I read it myself a good while ago.  I wished I had read it much earlier in my life.  It was an important puzzle piece to my understanding the nature of my trauma growing up.

Take care.

xxx