Today is my 1 year anniversary with bpd traits boyfriend

[Wilyred]

Hi everyone this will be my intro post although I have responded to some other threads. I'm a divorced woman in my 40s with two teenage kids dating a divorced man in his 40s with two kids. We both own our own homes and work full time, we met online. White collar, middle class.
The traits showed up after a few months with every argument seeming to go to the verge of breakup . These fights are worse than I've ever had with anyone I've been in a relationship with so I wanted to know why he was unable to resolve conflict, he didn't remember things he said when angry , just why he acted so incredibly irrational. In general this person is a loving caring human being who wants to make people happy. During our fights he would turn into another person (Jekyll and Hyde) viciously attacking me and just throwing the kitchen sink at me with things that didn't even apply to the situation. For example, during him yelling at me he says, "I can't get a word in edgewise are you going to let me speak at all ?" I think I searched for not remembering what you say when you're angry or turning into a different person when you are angry and I found a list of B PD traits and many matched.
Already these boards have been helping me tremendously with communication in my relationship. I have changed my responses when he spirals and it is really helping. Fights are less scary an end more quickly. We've made a lot of progress but it's not easy.
Today is our one year anniversary and he is Raging and spiraling because he asked me what I wanted for an anniversary present. He is taking me out to a fancy dinner already. He has asked me several times over the past few days and I gave him several suggestions including going to the art museum or doing some kind of activity together I also suggested he write me a love letter. Now he is spiraling and feeling inadequate, that I'm not happy with tonight's fancy dinner, that we don't go on enough dates, and that he will never be enough for me, and I'm not satisfied, and he doesn't make enough money for me, etc etc. None of that is true and he invented it all for the sake of this argument. His feeling of insecurity manufactured these "facts" . He refuses to listen to any of my reassurances. He has already apologized for being agitated but then jumped right back into it. I think this is a great example of his traits showing up in the argument because I feel I have done nothing wrong. In fact I gave him a direct answer to his question because as a codedependent I can often be indirect not to mention it is hard for me to accept gifts and ask for things for myself. I don't want to argue with him at all. Today is our one year anniversary and I want to be excited about getting ready for our fancy dinner tonight. I am very clear this is one hundred percent his issue he is bringing to the relationship because I've told him that I love him today and I will still love him the same tomorrow no matter what but it is sobering to know, if I want to be in this relationship I have to deal with this. I woke up happy but my boyfriend is dysregulated and all I can do is try to stay positive and gently keep the show on the road. I have no control and it sucks. I have to believe that the way I have conducted myself over the past year counts for something. I like that I try to keep my dignity. Thanks for reading!

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[syndee]

Already these boards have been helping me tremendously with communication in my relationship. I have changed my responses when he spirals and it is really helping. Fights are less scary an end more quickly.

Hi, I'm new here too and I believe we live the same life...  My relationship went on a lot longer though before I came across a more solid reason for his behavior.  I just thought it was immaturity or something that we could evolve out of.  I could envision our future together.

What exactly did you do as far as changing your responses?  I may have missed the boat on this one as after our last argument - one sided, as I figured out I should just stay quiet - he has not called me for a week now.  Sometimes he'd disappear like this after the argument and I never knew if he was gone for good or not so I have no idea what our status is. 

But if we continue the relationship, I'd like to know what people did that helped.