Post-stroke BPD Mom anger overload

[nyartgal]

Hello! I posted a couple weeks ago about my uBPD mom’s stroke. She is finally leaving the hospital tomorrow and is doing great physically, but can’t talk and seems to have some cognitive issues. Unsurprisingly she is MAD AS HELL about all of it: the stroke, being in the hospital, not being able to communicate, etc. And who could blame her for being frustrated, sad, angry at the world?

The problem is she was angry, volatile and emotionally abusive before the stroke. Now she’s treating her wonderful 85 year old husband like garbage, even hitting him. I’ve had to take charge of everything because she’s alienated anyone who might have helped, including my older brother. It’s all on me.

I think my stepfather wants me to visit every day because he says that I calm her down. Maybe that’s true, and I do want to visit her (not almost every day for hours like I have been), but I also feel resentful that I have spent 46+ years learning how NOT to feel responsible for her moods and behavior or feel like I have to walk on eggshells or cheer her up or whatever.

I’ve successfully created strict boundaries so that we could even maintain a decent relationship. Pre-stroke, I would not have allowed her to yell at me or take out her anger on me. Now I feel like it’s becoming my job to manage her emotions when I know for damn sure that NO ONE can manage them. My mom is a volcano that goes off when it wants to and what I say or do has zero impact on the eruption schedule.

I guess I’m just venting, but I would love to know how others have managed this kind of situation. She also brought this stroke on herself by refusing to take her medication AND she canceled her long term care insurance a few months ago out of nowhere, so her care would well wipe out any money she had set aside for me to inherit. She really screwed up and it’s hard not to resent it. All of these problems could have been avoided.

I feel this pressure to take on all of this responsibility for her care, her life, her husband, her emotions—some of which is my responsibility as her daughter and a good human being. But some of it feels so unfair. I didn’t ask her to alienate every single other person in my family who could have helped her or helped me with these responsibilities.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you maintain boundaries and reconcile your past with the BPD person even as they changed due to age or impairment? My mom was also getting angrier and angrier for years before this happened. Now what will be left besides anger? What about the good parts? Because there were some. I hope she will get better but it feels like the beginning of a long, very difficult end and I am heartbroken for her to go through this.

[pursuingJoy]

nyartgal, vent away. I read through your previous posts and just want you to hear again that you're not selfish. The fact that this all could have been avoided would anger me too. Anyone in your shoes would be beyond frustrated and exhausted.

My 72 yr old MIL has BPD and my H is her only son. She lives around many of her siblings and other family, but just like your family, they take a step back and look to my H to handle things. Just yesterday he drove 3 hrs to her house to pick her up and drive her 10 minutes to a dr's appt. She has family 10 minutes down the road that could have done it for her.

It's so hard to know what's normal aging parent and what's BPD. How and when is it fair to set boundaries? Would it help to think specifically about limits to what you can offer, like the number of hrs you can spend with her each week, or the types of things you will not take care of for her? I've learned to avoid resentment by doing what I want to do. This takes trusting that I'm a good and responsible person, believing that I'm not the only resource in the situation, sometimes letting things fail, and reminding myself that it's ok to say no.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this.

pj

[Methuen]

Nyartgal,

quote]AND she canceled her long term care insurance a few months ago out of nowhere, so her care would well wipe out any money she had set aside for me to inherit. [/quote] 

I am sorry for what you are going through.  This speaks to the impossibility of the bpd relationship.  It is all just so complicated, and so impossible.  She has made terrible decisions which have contributed to all her problems including her health issues, and now there is no long term care without full payment because she cancelled insurance payments prior to the stroke.  Now you have been spending hours a day helping her, and everone else has walked away.  You feel obligated to help, and your dad wants you to keep coming to preserve himself from her abuse.

Is it possible for you to step back and look at this objectively? 

I can relate to parts of your story.  Especially the parts where she contributes to her own crises by making terrible decisions, and then blaming and raging at others.  I too have taken on caring for mom in the past 3-6 hours a day for 6 weeks, only to have her treatment of me worsen with her stress and frustrations.  My own well-being imlpoded and I needed help. 

My recommendation is dont do this to yourself.  Nothing good can come of it.

Is there a social worker involved?  Did you speak with one at either the hospital or rehab hosp before she was released?  If not, it is time, and they must know how she is treating your dad. If yes, what did they say?   It is going to get worse tor him.  My mom also abused my father.  I told the appropriate people.  In my case my dad had Lewy Bodies, and he was admitted into a care facility and got really good treatment in there.  My mom improved when  the stress was off of her to care for him. 

You need a break from the care.  She can pay for home care now to give you that break.  It will use inheritance, but that is better than your  mental health, basd on my experience. 

It is time  for  you to start looking after you.  If you accept all the  obligation your parents put on you, you will lose yourself. 

[nyartgal]

Thank you @Methuen and @pursuingJoy so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. Sorry for the late reply, it's been a grueling week emotionally as my husband and two young kids left for Spain to visit his family without me so I could stay here an extra couple of weeks to help my Mom. I'm so upset to be away from my kids this long.

She is now home from the hospital with 24-7 care and I took a couple days off to spend time with my family and rest. I feel beyond emotionally drained. It's like someone dying---the loss of the person you knew---with the added uncertainty that maybe that person will come back, or not, or they could be worse than before in every sense: cognitively, emotionally, abusively, etc.

I am finding that this situation is bringing a ton of emotions about my mom too the surface---as I'm sure you can see! I know I made the right decision to stay here and let my family leave, but I also hate having to make it. I feel like my Mom's stupid decisions are wreaking havoc on my life, but I also know that she was going to get old and sick eventually, whether it was this stroke or something else. She just hastened the process, stupidly.

I have to figure out how to manage this situation without getting sucked into her drama or feeling responsible for her emotional state. I've spent my whole life gradually figuring out that I have zero control of or responsibility for her volatile emotions, and figuring out a way to put boundaries so that I don't become a slave to her moods and needs. It's so tricky to find the balance now because I love and care about her but I also resent her treatment of me and now her very bad decisions too. I'm sorry for my stepfather that he has to put up with her abuse but he's a grown man and he's not my father...I cannot save him. I feel this situation is a black hole I could fall into and I have to figure out how to manage it without falling in and getting lost completely. Maybe by staying here I will face it and figure out how to find this balance.

When she had the stroke and I was in the emergency room, I thought "maybe somehow the stroke will neutralize the BPD/NPD and make her nicer. Maybe it will make her emotions milder." I didn't really believe it but I did have that thought go through my head. Instead her anger is on turbo drive. I can't imagine what happens if she doesn't improve and is imprisoned in a body and brain that can't speak or write or understand fully. It sounds like hell on earth. I know she would rather be dead than that.

I don't want to burn up from resentment, whether it's about her BPD/NPD behaviors, the stroke, being alone to deal with all of this, possibly losing my inheritance, the way she is treating everyone around her, feeling like I have to save the day in some way...but I have to admit that I AM really angry. I keep cycling, going from worrying about her to feeling "what about me and my life and all of the ways this is screwing me over?" Then I feel guilt and shame for even having those thoughts, and worry because it sounds so narcissistic. But then, aren't I allowed to care about myself too? If I don't fight for me, who will?

This is the part about having a BPD/NPD mom that is soo tricky...there's so much gray area, unsureness, ambivalence, ambiguity etc about where they leave off and we begin. Is it them? Is it us? If I assert my own needs, am I just replicating their self-absorption? I'm so used to being blamed, and even when I know it's ridiculous and I'm not even one iota at fault for whatever stupid thing she's blaming me for, I still go through questioning my own behavior to see if I have any culpability.

For example, a week before the stroke she was supposed to have a sleepover with both my kids for the first time---my daughter is 7 and my son is 4. In typical splitting, my daughter is a princess who can do no wrong and my son is at best an afterthought who doesn't worship my Mom sufficiently. My daughter has done many sleepovers but never my son, who is never invited. Finally he asked me so many times to go with his sister for a sleepover, despite my misgivings I arranged it. I told her, "S____ wants to come too." and her response was, "So send him." Like he was a piece of luggage that would get in the way.

The night before at 11:45pm my mom sent me a message to cancel it because a day after she was scheduled to go out of town and she was in an anxiety spiral (my words) that she would be too tired (one of her big phobias/triggers is travel). No apologies or acknowledgement for the inconvenience to me/us, but she blamed it on travel.

The next morning when I woke up I called her and she tried to gaslight me and say it was MY FAULT that she canceled because I am always late and she wanted to take the kids to swim at the indoor pool in her building and the only appointment was at 2pm and she didn't think I would be there in time. We literally had NEVER discussed the possibility of them swimming at 2pm and anyway I would have been there by 1:30pm. It was so insane! I refused to let her blame me, gaslight me, or put any responsibility for it on me and she was so upset, kept yelling "IT'S YOUR FAULT!" at me. I was laughing at her, it was so childish and absurd.

She refused to negotiate in any way yet wanted me to bring the kids for the day even though that was totally inconvenient for me and them, as we had a long awaited morning playdate in the park, it was over 95 degrees and made sense for us to stay in the park the whole day and come the following. She never apologized (46+ years and counting without an apology!), never acknowledged that I had made other plans for myself since I would have the night off that I had to cancel, that this was problematic for me at all. Ultimately we visited the next day and it was okay. A week later she had the stroke, and I feel so lucky my kids weren't with her when it happened.

I knew the whole thing was totally crazy, I yelled at her and pointed out how she can never take responsibility and never apologize etc etc. I feel/felt like I don't always have to eat $hit, I'm allowed to fight back occasionally and not just take it. But on some level I did search my mind to ensure there wasn't any truth to her accusations (there wasn't).

I'm sure this is nothing you haven't experienced for yourself in some form---you get it.

You can also understand why I don't really WANT to see my mom several times a week or wind up responsible for her emotional state, it is an entirely useless, thankless job and even if I devoted my whole life to her (which I won't!), it wouldn't change her or the situation. That said, I feel like in a "normal" mother-daughter relationship I would be more than glad to see her all the time and care for her and make her life sweeter. It would feel like "normal" love and honoring of a parenting their old age.

But this person/relationship isn't normal! It's/she's abusive! And I don't want to be abused. I don't deserve it. I've worked very hard to get rid of anyone in my life who was similarly abusive, blood-sucking, etc. Before the stroke I saw my mom maybe once a month (way less during the pandemic) and almost never spoke on the phone, most of our communications were on WhatsApp. Now she can't type or talk so I HAVE to see her in person.

Maybe people will judge me, but I cannot be the "perfect" daughter who visits all the time---just to show up and be raged at or watch her rage at others. I feel guilty about it but my self-preservation instinct is telling me to guard myself to the hilt. Don't let her pull you into this drama more than you have to be. Save yourself!

Sorry for this loong vent/explanation. It feels good to get it all out, hahaha. I need to go back to therapy!

[zachira]

I am sorry what you are going through. People with BPD do not handle aging and disability/illness well, to say the least. I feel sad hearing what you are dealing with your mother, and the frustration of seeing her behave even worse than you could ever have imagined.

[GaGrl]

My mother was in home health care and then home hospice care for four months prior to her death last month at age 95. Prior to that, she was in hospital and rehab (six weeks each). I am still in mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual recovery. Caregiving was the most difficult thing I've ever done. And my mom wasn't BPD -- she just had a few traits.

It sounds as if the medical professionals anticipate future improvement? That will require a lot of work and therapy on your mom's part, and it will be frustrating. My mom, known for her resilience, became very frustrated at not regaining the strength she had prior to her fall and a bout with pneumonia. Plus, she would dream or hallucinate that she was walking and then tell me she needed to get up -- which was no longer possible. She didn't like being told no. We had our arguments. I walked out of her room and cried more than a few times.

I advise getting as much home health care and personal forgiving as can be afforded. I was exhausted.

And don't carry her emotions for her.

[Methuen]

artgal I am hearing myself in you, but that was the me of 2-5 years ago and prior.  I have come a long ways since then, thanks to the support of a lot of different people including 2 different T's, my H, people on this board challenging my thinking, and a whole lot of books I read.

So I am going to gently challenge a couple of things I picked up on.  Two-5 years ago, it was people challenging me, that helped me to grow, and get my life back.

For all the years my kids were growing up, we never travelled at Christmas, because I understood that I needed to spend XMas with my mother.  I am an only child.  There is no other family for her to spend Christmas with.  A T I was seeing a few years ago said, "take your family and go at Christmas.  There is nothing wrong with that".   I was horrified.  I thought she was nuts.  Who could do that?  How irresponsible!    But what she said sat at the back of my mind for a long time.  Then I began to notice all the people that went away at Christmas with their children.  Pre-covid, I did my first trip at Christmas, but it was a compromise.  We came back into the country on the 24th, and I had the full turkey dinner on the table on the 25th, with my mom.  

it's been a grueling week emotionally as my husband and two young kids left for Spain to visit his family without me so I could stay here an extra couple of weeks to help my Mom. I'm so upset to be away from my kids this long.

 Rightly so.  If you freely wanted to stay home with your mom while your family went to Spain, that would be the right decision.  But since you are upset about it, what makes you so convinced it is the right decision?  Where is that thinking coming from?  Whose thinking is it?  Yours or your mom's?  Is there a difference?  If it pains you to be away from your family, than it is also right for you to be with your family, making memories with them in Spain.  Something about the reason you are staying behind doesn't seem to be in your best interests or your family's best interest.

How about a compromise?  Spend some time with your mom, and then fly to Spain and join your family.  Is that a possibility?

I know I made the right decision to stay here and let my family leave, but I also hate having to make it.

How do you know this is the right decision?  Why is it the right decision, instead of being with your kids?

I feel like my Mom's stupid decisions are wreaking havoc on my life

...Ahh.
 It sounds like her "stupid" decisions are affecting you, and even "controlling" what you can do.
 Could this be because you are allowing them to?  Is there a way you could react differently?

I have to figure out how to manage this situation without getting sucked into her drama or feeling responsible for her emotional state. I've spent my whole life gradually figuring out that I have zero control of or responsibility for her volatile emotions, and figuring out a way to put boundaries so that I don't become a slave to her moods and needs. It's so tricky to find the balance now because I love and care about her but I also resent her treatment of me and now her very bad decisions too. I'm sorry for my stepfather that he has to put up with her abuse but he's a grown man and he's not my father...I cannot save him.

yes yes.  You are saying all the right things.  The next step is doing something about it.  What can you do differently?  

Like I said at the start, I could hear myself in your frustrated words.  People challenged me.  It helped me grow.  I have come a long ways, and am more in control of my own life.  So I hope it's OK that I'm gently challenging your thinking, even though I don't know your situation.  

It's OK to look after yourself, your children, your family, and have your own life.  Yes it's horrible that this has happened to your mom.  But I see spending some time with her, and some time with your family in Spain, as a good compromise to start looking after yourself too.

[GaGrl]

I advise getting as much home health care and personal forgiving as can be afforded. I was exhausted.

And don't carry her emotions for her.

Gotta love autocorrect...I meant to say "caregiving, " not "forgiving." But on second thought, forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, so you might want to sit with that for awhile. But forgiveness doesn't mean you lower boundaries or let someone repeat transgressions.
 

[nyartgal]

Thank you so much @Methuen @GaGrl @Zachira for your wise replies. I really appreciate it!

I saw my Mom yesterday and she was soo happy to see me, hugged and kissed me constantly. She seemed better than a couple days earlier in many ways. She could go downstairs to the deli to get a smoothie, hum a tune, make more sounds, respond more clearly to questions, and even eat some Chinese food! She was nicer to my stepfather and the aides, at least in front of me.

I'm able to communicate with her better than anyone else, tease out what topic she is asking about. She is very worried about the money and whether we are spending her savings or my (planned) inheritance on it. She is obsessed with leaving me money, she talked about it all the time before the stroke. I know she's terrified that her bad decisions about the insurance will use up all the money and I can see her panic about it.

This week I'm going to have my stepfather show me all of heir financials so I know exactly what we are working with, and also so I can access it in an emergency. She told me she had put my name on all of her accounts so technically I can do whatever I want with the money. I'm more worried that something could happen to my stepfather and I won't be prepared to pay the bills. I don't even know which banks the money is in.

I can't remember if I mentioned that at the hospital I spoke with the PA about her mental state---angry, upset, etc. I told her my mom needed meds if we wanted any hope that she would do the therapies, and that she was uBPD and needed something that worked for that condition. They put her on the lowest dose of Zyprexa, which is an anti-psychotic that can help manage BPD symptoms like anger, self-harm, anxiety, depression, etc. It definitely helps calm her---and she should have been on meds of some kind her whole life IMO---but I want to get her another psych consult this week or find a doctor to up the dose a little. I think it's tragic that my Mom has had an undiagnosed mental/emotional illness her entire life (family says she was always this way) and has pointlessly suffered for 83 years. Of course, she refused to go to therapy or ask her doc for anti-anxiety meds (which I recommended many times), so it's also her fault. In any case, it was SO STRANGE to be able to finally DO SOMETHING about her BPD/NPD with meds when she always refused to even acknowledge she had any problems.

Re: Spain, I was supposed to go for a month originally, so I changed my ticket to meet them there in two weeks. I wouldn't have pushed it back so far but the second week my kids were already going to be with their grandma/Spanish family at the beach without me, and my husband had planned a trip with his childhood friends to an island for the whole week. I was originally going to use that week to travel solo to see a friend in Italy and/or do a site visit for a project in Germany. So there was no reason to leave for Spain earlier if I wasn't going to see my kids anyway! This week I have a bunch of medical stuff I need to get done for my Mom, like finding her a GP (she didn't have one) and the psych consult, making appointments, etc.

Another reason I stayed is that I have a very big, very lucrative project on a tight deadline (I'm a sculptor) and I haven't gotten any work done in weeks because of her stroke. I can use this time to work in my studio like crazy so that when I get to Spain I can actually relax and not be stressed about work.

All that logistical stuff aside, I totally agree that I have emotional work to do trying to separate or clarify what my actual "normal" responsibilities are as a daughter, what she might expect or want, and what I want. The truth is that I love my Mom and I DO want to help her through this terrible setback. My Mom, for all of her bad qualities, has always been a million percent supportive of me no matter what---in my crazy, up and down art career, when I divorced my first husband, when I needed money, etc---she has always been on my side, always believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself or felt lost.

I understood very clearly from a young age (maybe 8) that she was a good person with a lot of flaws, and I tried to see the good and not take the rest too personally even if it was highly annoying. Therapy helped me understand that her behavior wasn't the uncrackable mystery I thought it was, it was all very explainable. I read many books and articles about BPD/NPD and see that she is a classic high functioning example. Knowing that freed up a lot of brain space I was using wondering WHY she acted a certain way, said a certain thing, etc. I know why! It is a symptom of her illness. That made it easier for me to maintain the boundaries necessary for us to maintain a relationship, even if it wasn't the "best friends" kind of worship and intimacy she has always wanted from me and that I have always rejected. This doesn't mean I don't have any pain, anger, resentments etc toward her. I do. My older brother went NC 30 years ago, and I understand and respect his decision.

I don't want to become a slave to this situation or let it take over my entire life---this would probably be true regardless of her BPD/NPD. Of course her personality disorders plus our history and my resentments, sadness about not having a "normal" mother-daughter relationship, etc etc make it more complicated. In part because there is no one else to help me, and in part because she might treat me like garbage in the process!

I'm going to try and see her every 2-3 days for a few hours at a time until I leave for Spain on the 17th. I feel like I can handle this. I also want to leave for Spain confident she's in good hands so I can enjoy the trip! Let's see how that goes...

[GaGrl]

Good plans! Nice balance.

In looking for a GP of Primary Care Physician, you might want to look for a geriatrics specialist. They are attuned to the conditions and challenges that come with aging and age-related illnesses. Also, some psychiatrists specialist in geriatric psychiatry.

My mom had been on seroquel for six months before her hospitalization. It is a psychiatric med and helps with sleep for patients with mild dementia. Just helping her sleep good each night made a huge difference in her daytime attitude. (And mine!) In home hospice care, she added haldol and ativan to alleviate hallucinations and anxiety -- and it takes about a week to figure out the right dosages and timing needed. The psychiatric meds really need to be monitored -- I hope your stepdad is up to it.

I know what you mean about the regret and grieving of not having the relationship with your mother that you would have wanted. My mother was so intrusive of my inner life that it often seemed she was "all of nothing." I hated that I had to maintain boundaries that kept her at arms-length. I envied friends who had more intimate relationships with their mothers. At least my paternal grandmother fulfilled that role for me - - non-judgmental and accepting.

[Methuen]

Good plan, and also good to hear you are still making it to Spain. So glad to hear she has had a good day, which translates to you also having a better day.    Now that she's had one good day, hopefully its the beginning of a more positive trend.