Adult child with son

[Lopezmama]

Helloo! We are trying not to enable our adult daughter but she has a son which we believe will be affected by her BPD. Currently she is married (not to baby daddy) but it was not a well thought out commitment. They are unsuitable for each other, she has little respect for him and says she would not marry him today. Should I encourage her to leave or stay or just shut my mouth. She tried to leave him 6 months ago but got weak and went back to him (his promises to her never realized-nothing has changed). I’d rather her bite the bullet now and leave. Our grandson is only going to see what a bad relationship looks like and then be devastated when they finally do break up. What do you all think?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and thanks for writing us.
Hmmm this is tough.  Unless there is physical violence /life or death stuff going on, I would wait until asked for an opinion .  Focus on you and your grandchild.  Your relationship with him could offset the parental strains he is feeling.  In my experience, telling someone about their marriage comes across as offensive , even if none is meant. Just my 2 cents.  In   I am sure others will chime in.

[Sancho]

I agree with Swimmy. You would most likely become the target and they could unite around how much they don't like you interfering.

I interfered in a domestic violence incident with my BPD dd - physically put my arm across her to prevent her being choked - and two minutes later both she and bf were coming at me with verbal abuse.

I know this is not that extreme - or I hope not. But your daughter is on the pathway to leaving and I think if you step back as Swimmy says, she will get there. It might take a few times because BPD people will respond to emotional blackmail as it blocks out the abandonment issues.

It is painful waiting and watching though . . .

[Lopezmama]

Thank you Swimmy and Sancho. Your insight seems right on target. I’ll focus on g-son and support daughter when and as she needs.