BPD mom drama and manipulation

[Bluesapphire]

First time posting so please excuse me if I don't know how to do this very well yet

My mom has BPD and our relationship has been rocky at best for many, many years. I also believe my brother has BPD traits, if not full BPD. I live out of state, but my brother and SIL live in the same city as my mom (she lives alone).

My mom had been planning to visit me once the pandemic slowed and she was vaccinated. I was fine with her visiting since I hadn't seen her in almost 2 years. The plan was for her to visit over this summer, but whenever I would ask about when she was planning to come she couldn't decide on dates or even a general timeframe. I had been clear with her that I had tickets to a few out of town concerts from 2020 that I was not sure if they would be rescheduled, but if they were I intended to attend them. When they were rescheduled I informed her of the dates and again asked if she could decide when she wanted to come visit. She still didn't decide, only parameters she would give me is "the summer". In the spring I started dating someone, but my family did not know about this, but I think my mom had suspicions (I am terrible about hiding things and can't lie to save my life!). We wanted to go away for a weekend, but the dates were very flexible. I again asked my mom when she was planning to come. This time my question was met with "you don't want me to come! Obviously there is someone else you'd rather spend your time with instead of me! I won't burden you with my presence!" When I tried to defend myself explaining that if I didn't want her to come why would I keep trying to plan the dates with her (pointless I know!) she said just plan whatever I wanted and she would come when "I wasn't too busy for her." So I decided I wasn't going to ask her anymore when she wanted to visit and just make my own plans rather then let her hold my whole summer hostage. In the past she has sabotaged several romantic relationships I have had, in fact when I was in high school
(many moons ago) she wouldn't let me go on a date unless she herself was currently in a relationship.

So about a week after this, with no contact, she called me. I didn't hear my phone, it was in the other room charging. In the course of an hour she called me 30+ times and texted 10+. When I went to get my phone I saw all the missed calls and texts. In one text she informed me that she had called the police to do a wellness check on me since I hadn't responded. I was furious! I feel as though she did this because she thought I might be with the person I'm dating and it would make me tell her that I was seeing someone. I texted her back telling her to call the police dept back and cancel the wellness check that it was a waste of resources. I also told her how beyond ridiculous her behavior was. She got mad at me and claimed "I should be grateful that someone cares about me that much." She had done something similar several months ago and I made it clear that not being able to get ahold of me for a couple hours or even a day was not an emergency and it was inappropriate to have others check on me- she had called my doggie daycare after not being able to reach me for 30 minutes one morning while I was at work. I decided to cut off contact with her after the calling the police situation (it was in May). About a week later she texted and said she can't believe we are not speaking after all we've been through together. I responded with boundaries about expectations of being able to get in touch with me and that as an adult I don't have to be available to anyone at all times. She never responded. I have not called or texted her and she has also not reached out to me.

A few weeks ago my brother called and said that I needed to stop fighting with our mom and that he thought I was overly upset about the situation. He also requested that I cancel some of my trips this summer so she could come visit. His opinion is that I should prioritize seeing her over attending concerts. I told him that I would not be changing my plans and the reason she isn't coming to visit is because she refused to decide on dates to come.

Since then I haven't had contact with either of them, until a few days ago. First my mom texted saying we needed to talk. I told her I agreed and said she should call me. She said "you call me when it's a good time for you." I know I'm being stubborn, but it's frustrating that I have to be the one who makes the call. She was out of line and I know will never accept any responsibility for it, I'm just tired of always having to be the bigger person and take the ownership of fixing things. I didn't call her for a few days, I was trying to figure out how to communicate my boundaries to her and not be sucked in by her manipulation yet again. Then I received this text message from my brother in the middle of the night last night:

"How long are you going to punish mom and play these foolish games? You can get mad at me and say its moms fault blah blah blah I don't care who's fault it is. Simply don't give a f***! But I do know that if you continue down this path you will regret it. Mom is not well it's questionable if after the next few months she will be able to get out of a wheelchair. Stop your selfish games and talk to her. I don't have your side on this I think YOU are being ridiculous.". 

***Fyi my mom isn't in a wheelchair, she has a pinched nerve in her back, that doesn't even require surgery

So I guess my question is how do I communicate with either of them now? I had planned to call my mom, but honestly don't want to. I haven't yet responded to my brother and don't know that I will. The problem with not speaking to them is I will actually be back home in Sept (not sure if they know this or not, but likely do) and while I am there I have things at both their houses that I need to pick up so eventually I am going to have to talk to them. Any thoughts, advice, or just validation would be very much appreciated!

[beatricex]

Hi Bluesaphire,

Oh boy u are on a wild ride.  First of all, your brother texting u all that?  Ridiculous and way out of line.  I would think but not respond "Karpman triangle, Mom can fight her own battles, and...who does this guy think he is?"

I would also try to find my center, do some deep breathing exercises, go on a walk to clear my head..

Repeat above as necessary, but do not engage.  What will they do if you say nothing?  The police may show up (doubt she even really called and they don't go looking for people based on the facts of the situation, a person needs to be missing for a lot longer).  Change your doggie day care.  Heck give very limited info to these people unless of course u want to stay enmeshed.

I found that for my own sanity, I needed to get out.  Out from under the massive weight of projections, away from manipulation, out of the way of baseless accusations, and away from threats.  Just how I have chosen to  live my life.

Really the trick is doing so without all the same drama they're giving you, cause really that is all they want - the drama.  tricky i know

What kind of stuff have u left behind?  I think I would consider if it was worth going back for, as u r in a fight for your soul.  u r fighting for them to really See You.  if they cannot, is any of this worth it?  Stuff can be replaced, but each little manipulation (I found) just tore a small hole in my soul.  making my soul whole has been a goal of mine for awhile.  It means not going back to people who make me Voiceless and it means not replacing those people with more of the same.  If someone cannot see me or hear me?  I move on.  This doesn't mean you have to completly cut off contact, but it does mean you stop sharing important details of your life with them.  They become more like casual aquantences.

U sound very strong and centered, I think u r doing a great job of taking care of yourself
 
b

[Onyx22]

Wow, you gave her every chance to choose a date and that wasn't enough.
I find it suspicious that she suddenly turned against you when you started a relationship. Did she know about that trip? -- My uBPD mom also tried to prevent me from dating. She would outwardly encourage it, but then get upset if it meant any less time spent with her. Plus just general trying to expand on any doubts I had.

Your brother is just a flying monkey in this, he's only got her "reality" of the story and is just going to echo her story. Talking to him really depends on where you think he's at in being understanding. From the sound of it he is pretty enmeshed and likely wants to keep the peace at the cost of your mental health. (My sister has done the same. Not malicious, just what she's used to.)

Reiterating the last reply, how valuable are your things (to you)? When I went NC I lost some important items and quite a bit of money. But for me, my peace of mind is worth a lot.
I also recommend separating yourself as much as you can financially. Anything your mother can control, take away and that's one less thing she can hang over your head. That can be letting go of lost items or pulling yourself out of memberships (this week I pulled out of a membership and had to tell them it was an abusive situation to do so, as my mother was the account holder, now that's one less thing she has over me.).

My advice is that don't plan on changing anyone's minds. And do what YOU want. If you call her, do it for you. Don't let them FOG you, decide what boundaries you want and stick to them. You know what she did was inappropriate, it doesn't matter if they don't understand. You don't have to explain yourself to say no.
There are methods of talking to people with BPD, where you acknowledge their feelings but don't agree with their reality. I don't know much about those, but look at some of this site's resources or search the discussion boards and you should find some good conversation advice.

 

[pursuingJoy]

So I guess my question is how do I communicate with either of them now? I had planned to call my mom, but honestly don't want to. I haven't yet responded to my brother and don't know that I will. The problem with not speaking to them is I will actually be back home in Sept (not sure if they know this or not, but likely do) and while I am there I have things at both their houses that I need to pick up so eventually I am going to have to talk to them.

I would wait for your mom to call. If she reaches out again, I would simply maintain that you were waiting for her call. This, assuming you're not yet ready to go no contact?

Your brother's text was uninvited triangulation and uncalled for. I wouldn't respond.

What are you going home for in Sept? If that's the plan and you want your stuff, let's brainstorm how to keep the door open -safely- so that you can get your stuff back. 

[Bluesapphire]

Thanks everyone for the responses! It is refreshing to be open and honest about what I'm going through and have people truly understand how emotionally draining it is!

U sound very strong and centered, I think u r doing a great job of taking care of yourself

Thanks Beatricex! Sometimes it's hard to feel like I'm being strong or centered, it means a lot to hear that maybe I am! Also I hadn't heard of Karpman's triangle before...but man that sure hits the nail on the head with my family! Definitely plan to do more learning about how I can remove myself from the drama cycle.

Here's some extra details to give some clarification:
My trip home is mostly just as a launching point for an annual camping trip I take with friends. Generally I use this as an opportunity to see my family too (just while I'm in town, not the camping part...that's for replenishing my soul and no drama allowed!) So since it's an annual tradition my mom and brother can reasonably assume I'll be in town around that time.

What I have at their houses that I need for the trip is just camping gear...yes it is replaceable so that stuff isn't really all that big of a deal (other than it's some good gear and I'd rather not replace it 

Here's where things get a bit more complicated though and make me feel like going NC will be very challenging at this time:

My father died 3 years ago (he and my mom had been divorced for many years just fyi). When he died my brother and I inherited (split 50/50) a business and also mountain property that has been in our family for many generations. Fortunately the business is fairly hands off so we rarely ever need to communicate regarding it. The property also really doesn't require us interacting with one another, other than to pay the taxes each year. I also have some things of my father's at their homes that while monetarily aren't worth much, they aren't really replaceable. I don't want to get out of the business, it's a small revenue stream that is nice to have, but I'm not attached to it so if it really came down to it I could. The property is a different story. I have no desire to walk away from that- lots of good memories associated with that area.

I also recommend separating yourself as much as you can financially. Anything your mother can control, take away and that's one less thing she can hang over your head.

Yes I learned this the hard way in my 20s, everything she had any control over she hung over my head and used to manipulate me! I'm in my 40s now and completely financially independent. I own my own house, car, etc and have a great job so financially she has no power over me. And I live a couple thousand miles away so it's easy to stay distanced from them.

I find it suspicious that she suddenly turned against you when you started a relationship. Did she know about that trip? -- My uBPD mom also tried to prevent me from dating. She would outwardly encourage it, but then get upset if it meant any less time spent with her. Plus just general trying to expand on any doubts I had.

The final time I asked her about the dates for her trip and she got angry that I wanted to spend my time with someone else I did tell her that I was trying to go to the lake with a friend. She immediately asked if I was dating the friend and I said no, but I'm a terrible liar and she can always tell when I'm not being honest. So while technically I never said it was to go away with the guy I'm seeing, I'm sure she easily figured it out. I'm sorry that you to had to deal with your mom also interfering in your dating life! It's so frustrating, dating is hard enough without having to try to navigate not letting a toxic family relationship interfere! When I went away to college I came home for a weekend with my college roommate. My mom took this opportunity to confront me on if I was gay (I'm not) and her rationale was that I didn't date very much in high school...seems she forgot that this was because she didn't allow me to 

So I guess where I'm at right now is trying to figure out how to navigate relationships with my mom and brother with as little conflict as possible. So somehow need to get past the current conflict about my mom's trip and phone boundaries. Then how to stay connected, but at arm's length. I'm open to suggestions, strategies, and even reasons why this isn't possible or a terrible idea!

[pursuingJoy]

It's so frustrating, dating is hard enough without having to try to navigate not letting a toxic family relationship interfere!

This is a perfect example of how BPD can make you feel upside down. My goodness you have every right to date and enjoy time with people you love!

So I guess where I'm at right now is trying to figure out how to navigate relationships with my mom and brother with as little conflict as possible. So somehow need to get past the current conflict about my mom's trip and phone boundaries. Then how to stay connected, but at arm's length. I'm open to suggestions, strategies, and even reasons why this isn't possible or a terrible idea!

It's not a terrible idea at all. You have some really good reasons why low contact is a better option for you than no contact. There are some tools on this site that can give you guidance on how to interact with them.

Will this quiet time allow your mom to self-soothe and bring herself back to a version of baseline? If she reaches out, either begging or angry, or through another person, what is the simple message you'll repeat?

It will be important not to allow your emotions past a certain point. If you get upset, it tips the equilibrium. 'Gray rock' it.

It will take your mom and brother time to get used to a new way of communicating. It feels foreign and 'off' to them. That's ok. Not your problem. Stay consistent.

You sound grounded and wise in the midst of this storm. I'm really glad you're here with us.

pj