It's time to break up with uBPD partner (Advice welcome)

[LovelyRita50]

Background to my situation is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349479.0

And here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=350046.0

My partner w/ uBPD finally finished moving her stuff out. It took her five separate trips over two months because she used a friend's SUV and only rented a U-Haul once. She agreed to let us trash anything she couldn't or didn't want to move. That turned into a double-edged sword because she left a lot of crap at our place.

[LovelyRita50]

We are moving our things today, and all yesterday and this morning I was stuffing her junk in bags to haul to the trash chute. She left behind a large wardrobe with mirrored doors. She took it apart but didn't haul away the pieces. She also left a big IKEA unit in boxes that she never got around to putting together. We're paying our movers an extra $300 to dispose of those and some other big pieces of her junk left behind.

She also left behind a very dirty master suite with a disgusting bathroom.

[LovelyRita50]

I swept up and did some basic cleaning; hopefully the cleaners I have hired to come tomorrow will take care of the rest.

Interestingly, amid the debris in her bedroom I found an info sheet from a therapist's office - about DBT.

[LovelyRita50]

So at least ONE mental health provider was on to her, despite her insistence she doesn't have a PD, she's just depressed because of the pandemic. So her moving out could have been a lot better ... But ... Could have been worse. She got it done without massive dysregulation but at major inconvenience and expense to me. Pretty low bar to clear.

I've decided I'm done. I'm not interested in having a continued relationship or friendship. She has done nothing to change since we asked her to move out the first week of June. She continues to make excuses and evade responsibility. While she talks a good game about caring about me and wanting to do things for me, her actions remain self-serving.

[LovelyRita50]

Example: she told me on her last moving day, "If I didn't care how you guys felt I would have done this move differently. I've been doing my best to do things in a way that's courteous. I could have just left a bunch of _____ behind." (Implying: I could have left you to clean up even more of my mess.)

So as soon as I get settled and talk to my therapist, I'm officially breaking up with her. I could use advice about how to do it in a fair and peaceful manner that protects myself first.
I realized I was holding on to the idea of still being in her life partly because I don't feel that either of us has had closure in this relationship, and I have not adhered to my usual standards of honesty with a romantic partner. I haven't been able to fully express to her the reasons I wanted her to move out, because she refuses to hear any of it. She always flips the conversation to what I have supposedly done wrong and what I need to fix.

[LovelyRita50]

She has gotten it in her head that I'm going to just take another month or so of downtime, and then we can pick up romantically just like we were before, only not living together. I feel bad that I essentially deceived her by leaving that option open until recently, simply because I wanted her to move out with as little chaos and dysregulation as possible. I feel like I CAN'T be honest without triggering her and starting a fight.


(I don't know why I can't post more than two paragraphs at a time. I've tried both on my phone and a Chromebook.)

[GaGrl]

How important is it that you end the relationship in a face-to-face conversation? What other alternatives are acceptable to you?

You may have to work through that her PD will prevent the type of closure you want.

[ForeverDad]

This is where I chime in with my predictable refrain, "In our sort of lose-lose situations we usually just have to End the contact and the angst, Gift ourselves a limited measure of closure and just Move On."

[yeeter]

This is where I chime in with my predictable refrain, "In our sort of lose-lose situations we usually just have to End the contact and the angst, Gift ourselves a limited measure of closure and just Move On."

This