It's hard to not "Take a bite of conflict"...when they are being so ridiculous

[formflier]

FFw visited some of the tired old rants this morning.   Started out in person and then went to next level in texts (which I've only read about half of...but I get the gist of it)

I did take a small bite in person when she started ranting about me never doing anything...I sarcastically said "your welcome for those eggs.." (she had fresh bowl of scrambled in her hand that I made for her...pre conflict)

As predicted..that sent her up a couple levels...I also intervened when she was trying to wake up a sick child...she was telling him "it's time to get up" so I reminded her " He's not going to school today" to which she retorted "I know..I just want to see how he is doing, he needs to sleep all day"  (at this point I realized that pointing out she just told him it was time to get up..would NOT be helpful)

The only thing I said via text was...

I'm sorry you are having a tough morning.  I'm not going to engage in this kind of conflict with you.

Now that I've calmed a bit...well I still don't think it was bad to say that but I'm wondering if I would have been better off to just stick with "sorry you are having a tough morning" or perhaps something else similar.

Thoughts?

Luckily, this kind of thing is rare.  Usually on Mondays when heading to work..maybe every couple or three weeks.

Best,

FF

[kells76]

I'm wondering if I would have been better off to just stick with "sorry you are having a tough morning" or perhaps something else similar.

That's where I'm leaning. You probably know that my MO here is "you don't need to announce or describe your boundaries to a disordered person for the boundaries to be real/valid".

The line "I'm not going to engage in this kind of conflict with you" sounds like a "boundary description" that (a) is inherently participating in JADE, and (b) is self-negating -- it IS engagement.

If you're irresistibly pulled to some type of "description" or "explanation" after "sorry you are having a tough morning" (which I kind of get, I could see adding something as a way to "pivot after" or "soften" that phrase) I wonder if it could be something more like a 2/10 instead of a 7/10. Maybe:

"sorry you are having a tough morning... looking forward to seeing you after work" ?

[Notwendy]

Sometimes I think grace needs to be extended both ways. This is not about tolerating abuse but we aren't going to do things perfectly and neither is anyone else.

Considering this isn't the usual thing and the circumstances- aren't kids back to school and your wife teaches? The stress levels are high at this time- students and teachers, and families. And Covid-19 is still here and adjusting to teaching with this is a stressor no matter where the school lies on the mask/vaccine/politics spectrum.

Stress, change to new school year, this is not an easy time. I'd let it go. Don't fuel the drama but if it's up a bit for the next few weeks, it's just how it is. Don't fuel it, don't get too hard on yourself, or her.

[Ventak]

My good friend FF always tells me "less is more" and he is almost always spot on...

[formflier]

I could tell something was kinda off on Monday evening, I just tried to have a normal evening and she seemed to go along with it.  By Tuesday everything was back to neutral and it never happened.

Best,

FF