Is my undiagnosed BPD Ex gf trying to manipulate me? Please help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In my situation I discarded my ex I will give you a summary of what my 5 year relationship with her consisted of.  Of course there were amazing idealization phases but I will be just mention the behaviors when I was being devalued.  During devaluation nothing I did would ever be enough, constantly saying I didn't do anything when I was the only one with a job and paid for everything. Complained that I did not have sex with her enough (we had sex about 3-4 times a week) then when I initiated sex she would say that I only want her for sex.  She would tell me she wanted me to communicate my feelings with her but when I did she would mock me and tell me to stop playing the victim.  She would go through my phone even though I asked her not to, she had a tracking device on me, she would randomly accuse me of being unfaithful intermittently for the entire relationship. At one point she was hospitalized for an attempt on her life during one of our breaks.  She had a substance issue with alcohol, cocaine and adderal. On our last Christmas she told me I was not welcome at her parent's house and that if I wanted to stay there I'd have to open up presents by myself. There is much more but I will spare the other details.

Of course after all of this I was still addicted and very much buried at the bottom of this trauma bond with her.  I decided to bring home a puppy to potentially facilitate some bonding with her (I know big mistake).  Initially the idealization came back after getting the dog of course, it was honeymoon again for a short time.  Until of course she began to become paranoid that we would breakup and I would take the dog.  Now we were back in the devaluation, and this was the worst of the entire 5 years.  She signed up the pet insurance solely under her name with my credit card (I assume for legal leverage) and started to resent me for giving the puppy attention.  She would condescendingly say "I wish you would give me half the attention you give the dog", to the point that we started to fight probably at least 6 out 7 days a week.  At this point it was smacking me in the face of how obviously toxic this relationship was.

At this point I was painted so black that she was telling me that I had to prove to her that I wanted to be in the relationship, meanwhile she took the dog that I bought to her parent's house.  So I suggested couple's therapy, (second time with a different therapist) at this point I figured I am already 5 years deep in a hole why not just go to therapy and at least I'll know I gave it my very best.  Of course during therapy all she would do is complain about me, she barely wanted to go to therapy.  Long story short our puppy died unfortunately at 6 months old from some rare fungal disease and all of a sudden she wanted to be nice to me again.  This is when I did one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, I ended it with her about 2 weeks after the dog had died.  The therapist had pointed out the cycle of black and white to me and it finally became obvious and as painful as it was at the time I thought ending it would be the best thing for me.  She also eventually refused to go back to therapy because the therapist was calling her out on some of her issues and she did not like it at all.

When I broke up with her although very upset and crying she actually was more composed than I expected her to be.  I  had told her that I was sick and tired of being treated like garbage and that I did not feel the same way about her.  She eluded that I would probably come back and that she would wait for me but she would not wait forever.  After she left we had not even discussed NC we just did not speak to each other, I saw that she immediately became friends with an ex of hers on social media.  The pain I have experienced during the aftermath of this breakup has been excruciating.

Fast forward 4 months post breakup, although I was still in pain I was dating and doing slightly better and I noticed she tried to log into my instagram account (it showed the location of the attempt) and of course I had a mini relapse with some old feelings coming back.  I shrugged it off now a few weeks later she texts me saying that she got a new dog and she accidentally sent me the reimbursement to bank account instead of hers and if I could please send it back to her (I suspect this was done purposely as an excuse to reach out).  So I did send it back but a part of me wanted to leave things on a positive note so I asked her for a picture of her dog and she sent it to me, I also got a new dog and I said that maybe some day they could be friends.  Her response was "never say never " and then she asked me for pictures of my dog and we kind left it off there.  The following week I noticed I was blocked on all of social media, then she unblocked me not too long after.  At this point I am full blown relapses such a shame I was doing so well.  All I wanted was to see her again and talk to her and know she is okay, it felt so good hearing from her again and having a normal positive conversation.  Now 5 months post break up and since I have lost my mind I decided to send her a book anonymously it was called "Calming the Emotional Storm" it is a book on mindfulness and DBT (bad idea I know).  I relapsed so hard that I started thinking that maybe it could work if she committed to not drinking and going to therapy. After sending the book she immediately texted me asking me If I had sent it to her to which I responded "yes I read it liked it and thought about you and wanted you to have it".  She never responded after this so about a week later I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to text her this "Hey we should catch up for a coffee or lunch.  It will be good to put the past behind us and catch up."  Also no response which now has me feeling like I'm back to square one how I was feeling just weeks after the breakup.  It seemed like she was trying to be friendly with me and potentially talk to me she was very nice and now she just ignored me.  I suppose it is a blessing in disguise but please share your thoughts and insight I am in a lot pain right now and I have nobody to talk to that would understand.

[Desu95]

In my situation I discarded my ex I will give you a summary of what my 5 year relationship with her consisted of.  Of course there were amazing idealization phases but I will be just mention the behaviors when I was being devalued.  During devaluation nothing I did would ever be enough, constantly saying I didn't do anything when I was the only one with a job and paid for everything. Complained that I did not have sex with her enough (we had sex about 3-4 times a week) then when I initiated sex she would say that I only want her for sex.  She would tell me she wanted me to communicate my feelings with her but when I did she would mock me and tell me to stop playing the victim.  She would go through my phone even though I asked her not to, she had a tracking device on me, she would randomly accuse me of being unfaithful intermittently for the entire relationship. At one point she was hospitalized for an attempt on her life during one of our breaks.  She had a substance issue with alcohol, cocaine and adderal. On our last Christmas she told me I was not welcome at her parent's house and that if I wanted to stay there I'd have to open up presents by myself. There is much more but I will spare the other details.

Of course after all of this I was still addicted and very much buried at the bottom of this trauma bond with her.  I decided to bring home a puppy to potentially facilitate some bonding with her (I know big mistake).  Initially the idealization came back after getting the dog of course, it was honeymoon again for a short time.  Until of course she began to become paranoid that we would breakup and I would take the dog.  Now we were back in the devaluation, and this was the worst of the entire 5 years.  She signed up the pet insurance solely under her name with my credit card (I assume for legal leverage) and started to resent me for giving the puppy attention.  She would condescendingly say "I wish you would give me half the attention you give the dog", to the point that we started to fight probably at least 6 out 7 days a week.  At this point it was smacking me in the face of how obviously toxic this relationship was.

At this point I was painted so black that she was telling me that I had to prove to her that I wanted to be in the relationship, meanwhile she took the dog that I bought to her parent's house.  So I suggested couple's therapy, (second time with a different therapist) at this point I figured I am already 5 years deep in a hole why not just go to therapy and at least I'll know I gave it my very best.  Of course during therapy all she would do is complain about me, she barely wanted to go to therapy.  Long story short our puppy died unfortunately at 6 months old from some rare fungal disease and all of a sudden she wanted to be nice to me again.  This is when I did one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, I ended it with her about 2 weeks after the dog had died.  The therapist had pointed out the cycle of black and white to me and it finally became obvious and as painful as it was at the time I thought ending it would be the best thing for me.  She also eventually refused to go back to therapy because the therapist was calling her out on some of her issues and she did not like it at all.

When I broke up with her although very upset and crying she actually was more composed than I expected her to be.  I  had told her that I was sick and tired of being treated like garbage and that I did not feel the same way about her.  She eluded that I would probably come back and that she would wait for me but she would not wait forever.  After she left we had not even discussed NC we just did not speak to each other, I saw that she immediately became friends with an ex of hers on social media.  The pain I have experienced during the aftermath of this breakup has been excruciating.

Fast forward 4 months post breakup, although I was still in pain I was dating and doing slightly better and I noticed she tried to log into my instagram account (it showed the location of the attempt) and of course I had a mini relapse with some old feelings coming back.  I shrugged it off now a few weeks later she texts me saying that she got a new dog and she accidentally sent me the reimbursement to bank account instead of hers and if I could please send it back to her (I suspect this was done purposely as an excuse to reach out).  So I did send it back but a part of me wanted to leave things on a positive note so I asked her for a picture of her dog and she sent it to me, I also got a new dog and I said that maybe some day they could be friends.  Her response was "never say never " and then she asked me for pictures of my dog and we kind left it off there.  The following week I noticed I was blocked on all of social media, then she unblocked me not too long after.  At this point I am full blown relapses such a shame I was doing so well.  All I wanted was to see her again and talk to her and know she is okay, it felt so good hearing from her again and having a normal positive conversation.  Now 5 months post break up and since I have lost my mind I decided to send her a book anonymously it was called "Calming the Emotional Storm" it is a book on mindfulness and DBT (bad idea I know).  I relapsed so hard that I started thinking that maybe it could work if she committed to not drinking and going to therapy. After sending the book she immediately texted me asking me If I had sent it to her to which I responded "yes I read it liked it and thought about you and wanted you to have it".  She never responded after this so about a week later I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to text her this "Hey we should catch up for a coffee or lunch.  It will be good to put the past behind us and catch up."  Also no response which now has me feeling like I'm back to square one how I was feeling just weeks after the breakup.  It seemed like she was trying to be friendly with me and potentially talk to me she was very nice and now she just ignored me.  I suppose it is a blessing in disguise but please share your thoughts and insight I am in a lot pain right now and I have nobody to talk to that would understand.

[Dad50]

Dude, How did you photocopy the story of my five years and post it here.

I am only two months into the breakup, and sadly we are not no contact. I have no answers, but Jesus do I feel every word of your story. These people caused us so much excruciating pain and we can't let go. It's like, what the eff is wrong with us? Do we have no self respect whatsoever?

[Desu95]

Dude, How did you photocopy the story of my five years and post it here.

I am only two months into the breakup, and sadly we are not no contact. I have no answers, but Jesus do I feel every word of your story. These people caused us so much excruciating pain and we can't let go. It's like, what the eff is wrong with us? Do we have no self respect whatsoever?

I know man it’s insane but I have figured out that it has to do with the trauma bond that we have with them. We seek comfort from the same thing that is inflicting pain on us. It’s an addictive vicious circle. I was actually doing quite well, I mean I still had some bad days but nothing like this. I’m now struggling to eat anything I have no appetite. I have decided to completely block her phone number and social media so I don’t have it in the back of my mind that she could try and come back to torment me. The sad part is I really cared about her and wanted to help her. However I did not realize that a little bit of contact with her this far out from leaving her would affect me like this. That’s why I’ve blocked her now and will be completely ignoring any attempts if there ever any again of her reaching out so I can finally heal. I’ve been through some bad stuff in my life that I won’t get into but this situation takes the taco, it’s overwhelming.

[babyducks]

I know man it’s insane but I have figured out that it has to do with the trauma bond that we have with them.

I believe the experience we have with our pwBPD results in trauma because it is interpersonal violence.

I think these relationships revolve in a cycle: waiting – hoping – hurting – being angry – forgiving – forgetting – again and again and again.     Even when the relationship is over the cycle is continuing in our own heads.

We have to find ways to break the cycle.    Small ways and large ways.   

and when we don't break the cycle but fall back into the old familiar pattern, its important to not beat ourselves up.

what we can do is be kind to ourselves and understand our work isn't quite done yet.   we are still grieving and we are still learning.

[B53]

Baby ducks is so right. I have been NC for about 7 months. It was so hard at first. What made it harder is that he did it so many times, that my friends just figured we would get back together and were no longer supportive. What made it easier, is that I am not on social media. He left me alone for two months and then started contacting me. I blocked his text and phone calls, but even when you block an email, it still shows up, only with a red circle with a slash through it. When it is in your box, you can read the beginning of the first sentence. It was hard to delete (10 or more) without reading it, but I did. I knew it was the same old begging and promises and about him, not worrying about me. He was seeing a therapist and doing DBT and the last episode was the worst ever, probably because I had hope. I had told him to leave me alone and he didn’t. My therapist pointed out that if he respected the boundaries I had set, he would have done as I asked. She also said that a normal person would have given up after a few attempts. I haven’t heard from him for two months now, but I don’t believe he is not going to try again.

Don’t kick yourself for the relapse, we have all done it. Pryer to this final break up, I made it two months before going back. At some point I could no longer be Charlie Brown and keep letting Lucy hold the football.

It gets easier. Once I got away from the craziness and my head cleared out, I look back and wonder how I ever let it go on for so long. I think about him every day, but not for long and the sting is gone. He is now part of my past, not my present and definitely not my future. I don’t know if I am ready to start dating again, but I am thinking about it. I’m eating, sleeping, laughing and singing along with the songs on the radio. I’m a little bit lonely, but Covid has some to do with that too.

Don’t kick yourself for being back at square one! You made it four months, you can do this. Try to stay strong. Keep telling yourself this feeling won’t last forever, read posts and use what ever you can to distract you. Don’t hold the feelings in, it ok to feel hurt and angry. There is a release in a good cry.

Best of luck.

B53

[Shaken54]

Sorry you are going through this, It amazing how they all seem to have very similar outcomes its like they operate on a script or something. I can tell you I was with mine 4 years not living together, I have been through very similar situations as you. All I can say is dont try and figure them out on why they do what they do or why they think like they do it will drive you mad.

We just need to realize that these people are severely mentally Ill and there is no way we can fix it, we can't love them back to normalcy. Only they can decide to seek help and even then it only helps them manage the symptoms the underlying problem is always there.

As for me I have been emotionally abused, lied too so many times and even when I confronted her about the lying and she made a half hearted apology she went on to lie to me again and this time I had video evidence of it.
Trust me I know how you feel its hard and its not easy dealing with, We fell in love with a facade an act and its hard to wrap your head around it because we think normally.

Hang in there time will help a lot, I'm currently 2 weeks NC its not easy but I have been the push/pull cycle so many times. I think I am making progress this time and you will get there.