Mending a Bi Polar (me) and BPD (her) relationship

[RikkiJay]

Hi, I'm looking to gain insight on what may be going on in the mind of my wife/ex and what may be happening with her right now, as well as find ways to improve the relationship and family if we get back together as well as myself. This is the third time we have split up, and each time she is so 100% done, but I feel there is a certain block this time that troublesome.

So we met and got together in February of 2020, both with past relationship trauma, mine being very recent as I had just been left by my ex wife which was a very toxic relationship. I was actually in a very low place and struggled for a while myself and had no diagnosis on my bi polar, just major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. We were both forthcoming about our mental health issues but I don't think that either of us were fully prepared for what that meant at first, which is what lead to the first two times she split and broke up with me, the 2nd time being the worst. The 2nd time was the first time she actually she really got to see me blow up and go into a bi polar rage. It was scary, intimidating, and I understand why she ran. She was pregnant at the time with our child, so four months later, after saying she was done, doesn't care, and didn't want me to talk to her or know where she lives, and when the baby was done the only contact we'd have was trading the baby off. When the baby was born she calmed down and started having me over everyday within a month or so we were back together. We did a lot of talking before and after getting back together on how to handle things, what to expect, and how we both need to keep working on ourselves. We had the agreement and acknowledgement that we were going to go through these bad times, but we would work through them and learn from them as long as we each continued self improvement. In the time being back together, we actually do pretty good and lift each other up and communicate well most of the time, but we both have bad periods and trigger each other. It happened three times since we've been back together which  is since Dec. 2020. In those moments I get pushed and triggered to the point that I blow up, hit something, and by then end of it I'm overwhelmed and feel like I can't take it anymore just to calm down and realize I didn't mean it. In getting back together we also discussed that and agreed to not make emotional decisions and if we do, not to take them personally as long as we discuss it and work through it. 2 weeks ago we had a blow up, and we both handled it horribly. I hit the car door, and by the end of it broke up again and walked home. We talked and things went positive, but the next day she split and broke up with me. We are living together, but she is adamant she is done, doesn't care, can't trust me, and saying that because she drew a hard line last time and said it can never happen again but it did means it didn't matter to me and I wasn't trying to get better. All the while she still shows where it doesn't seem like she is truly done. Making sure I have a hot meal when I get home from work, going out of her way to go get me monsters for work, texting me all day because she's bored and indirectly showing where she wants my attention or eager for me to get home. Wanting to hang out and spend time together late at night when she gets back from doordashing (getting home at like 1 and asking if I was wanting to go to sleep (on the couch) or can she hang out for a bit even though you can tell she is dead tired, letting me massage her feet the other night then leaving her legs in my lap, etc... Now all of this, but a few nights ago she had a whole talk about not wanting to get to comfortable and end up back together just because we are comfortable with each other and even kind of acknowledging that we keep doing sweet things for each other, but she isn't stopping any of it. Last night she ended up on the defensive again and brought up a whole conversation about how she's paranoid to flirt with anyone or hook up with anyone for fear it will cause issue, even though I've never been that person in the past no matter how much it hurt. The talk led into her going on more about how she can't trust me, doesn't care, etc...At one point I looked at her and started telling her that whether or not we get back together I hope she finds it in her heart to care about the relationship we had and what good was there because we both have a lot to learn in that. Aside from the toxic moments, neither of us have a relationship like this where we build each other up, understand each other, and treat each other with so much respect and I hope she remembers that so she can remember how special she is and how she deserves to be treated. She actually started crying while I was saying that, but immediately after started raging harder and going off more, not hearing anything I was saying even when conceding to her points. I eventually had to tell her that this has gotten too heated, so go grab pizza like she was planning and we will eat then she can go doordashing if she was wanting to. When she went to doordash, she turned around and asked me if she could go meet this guy she's been talking to but made sure to point out that it is just as friends. So she goes and hangs with him for an hour and a half, comes back home because she forgot her doordash card, and again asks if I care if she hangs out or if I'm going to bed. She proceeds to tell me about how awkward this guy was and stuff. We start watching Pixar shorts together, then she ends up letting me give her a neck, shoulder, and face massage because she has a tension headache, afterwards starts grooming me (pimple popping tool to the nose and astringent after) with my head on a pillow in her lap, and after that gives me a massage. All the while she is dead tired and you can tell she wants to sleep but when I call her out on it she denies it playfully and stayed up.

Now, I've said to her multiple times that I understand her fears in the relationship and why she feels she can't trust me. There are valid concerns here and red flags, I just believe in our ability to work through it and get better. I do get explosive and I hate that I scare her and hurt her by breaking up with her. I also have a history of physical violence with my ex that I've worked really hard to improve in myself and control. We do trigger each other on this seeming cycle. All I could hope for is that she would do couples therapy together as even just friends trying to give things a chance to prove themselves with no gaurantee of getting back together.

I just want insight on what may be going through her head, tips on self improvement and improvement for the relationship, and for our family to be restored. I am the only father her 3 year old knows at the moment and I love that little girl, our daughter is a blessing, and my 3 kids from my previous relationship adore her.

No one in our lives who knows both sides agree with the way she is doing things, including her brother who raised her and the lady who did our handfasting who is very protective of her and known her for a long time. They have both tried to tell her this, but she isn't really receptive to anything right now.

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