BPD ex broke up with me saying I’m a narcissist, and blocked me everywhere?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone,
I am new to this site and I was hoping to get an explanation on what what happened with me and what I should expect in the future.

So this is my story, (please bear with me as it might be a bit long)

I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend (she initiated the breakup) who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, C-PTSD (from sexual abuse), OCD, and severe depression 7 weeks ago.

Our relationship lasted for 13 months and it was filled with up and downs (lots of amazing moments followed by a lot of arguments). During the first three months of the relationship, it was truly heaven. She was extremely caring, we almost had no arguments, and even if we did, it would end in less than a minute and I just felt so lucky to be in relationship with such a beautiful and caring girl.

I was in love with her for 8 months before we dated but we weren’t close at all until she dated a guy for two weeks who ended up sexually abusing her and leaving her. I was there for her and helped her through that hard time and we began getting closer.

She then told me that she has PTSD from continuous sexual abuse by her uncle (who still visits them to this day and sexually abuses her) and I told her that whenever he comes to her family’s house, I’m going to drive up to her (it’s a one hour drive) and pick her up, calm her ptsd episode down (I was really good at calling her ptsd, whenever her ptsd was triggered she couldn’t look or listen to any man including her own father. I was the one she would be able to look at and touch whenever her ptsd episode is triggered) and just make sure that she doesn’t have to see him.

One day she told me that he’s coming over so I told her I’m on my way while we were still friends back then. I reached there, calmed her down, and she hugged me while her ptsd was triggered and told me she loves me. This is how our relationship began almost a year ago and as mentioned above, this moment was followed by three months of pure bliss.

After the three months passed, the arguments started increasing but It was manageable. She also decided to go see a therapist for her ptsd because she gets nightmares every night and doesn’t sleep.

I took her to a hospital with a psychiatrist and they performed a body scan with an x ray. I waited outside and when she came out she said “I’m going to tell you something and you have the right to leave me”. At this point I thought that she had cancer or something terminal but I still told her “I will never leave you no matter what” she then told me that she sat with the psychiatrist and she was diagnosed with BPD, OCD, and severe depression as well as C-PTSD. I still stood by what I said and told her I’m not going to leave you no matter what.

From that point, she started taking a ton of medications which caused her to have unhealthy looking skin, gain a lot of weight, become extremely fatigued, hallucinate things all the time, became extremely angry fast due to her hormones changing, and she would no longer be able to go on dates nor talk on the phone like we used. This went on for months. During this months I would stay up all night talking to her on the phone while she tries to sleep because she used to hallucinate creepy things so she always wanted to sleep on my voice and I had to keep the line open even after she sleeps because she wanted me to be there incase she wakes up.

In the morning time, we wouldn’t really talk much because she was always tired but I would send her daily paragraphs telling her how she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and how she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I used to write these paragraphs to make her happy as well as make the long drive to her home to bring her gifts and her favourite candy. I also used to write her old fashioned letters and take it to her home because she loved that. She used to do that with me too.

I used to attend online university classes for her and do her assignments and solve her exams for her while she sleeps because I knew she was tired and at weekends I would spend all my money taking her out to the best places. Of course, I made a lot of mistakes during this relationship but nothing out of the ordinary such as lying or cheating. I did so much for her that she reached the point where she cut off and blocked every guy she has ever known because she told me “you’re the only guy I want to talk to” and this made me so happy that I cut off every girl I’ve ever known too for her.

She also told her family about me and I got very close with them especially close with her mother who seemed to like me very much and often call me to vent out about stuff. My ex and I shared all of our deepest secrets with each other and she told me that I’m the first person that she ever trusts 100%

I used to even endure creepy stuff such as whenever she takes her medications, after an hour or so, her voice would change and she would start looking at the corner of the room and say things like “he’s here” and when I tell her that there’s nothing there she would say “He doesn’t like you.” To me in a creepy way. She used to refer to him as Juliana, and describe him as a tall dark faceless figure who follows her everywhere silently.

She’s also an artist but her art style dramatically changed from since we began dating. It used to be beautiful realistic drawings of bodies and faces but then it changed to a childish-like drawings of upside down crosses and other satanic symbolism.

A few months later, she stopped medications because it was doing more harm than good and she started doing normal therapy with no medications. She used to argue with me a lot over the smallest things during that while but we still managed. However, I noticed that during arguments, she started shouting, insulting, disrespecting me, and even comparing me to her ex’s. As time passed this got worse and she even started feeling as what she did is justified and stopped apologizing after the arguments. I still refused to leave her (although I was once abused so badly I wanted to leave her but she begged me not to do that so I calmed down and didn’t)

One day we had a huge argument over something truly minor and she completely raged and smashed her phone and blamed it on me. I calmed her down and apologized even though I didn’t believe it was my fault and we went on an amazing date (for some reason, all of our arguments were always on the phone but we never argued in person) and the next day she called me and opened up the very same argument again. She raged and told me she wants a break from this relationship and doesn’t want to see me until after a month. I agreed and the next day she sent me a text saying “we aren’t compatible. Good luck.” And blocked me from everywhere.

I managed to get a hold of her the next day and she told me that she’s breaking up with me because I’m a narcissist that never loved her and that she hates herself with me and wants to go back to the “old her” from before me. I reminded her of the things I did for her and she said “you did that to own me and I fell for it because I couldn’t believe that I found someone would love me this much” and I was in tears swearing that I love her but it was no use, she was so cold towards me and didn’t seem to care. I told her I’m willing to engage you right now to prove to you how much I love you (she was asking me to he engaged since our fourth month of dating but I didn’t agree because we are still university students in our last year)
She just said that it’s too late and started naming reasons (most of them never happened) as to why she’s leaving me. She ended up hanging up on me and blocking me with a final text that says “thank you for proving me that you’re a narcissist and I’m really happy I never went back to you. Losing you is my biggest win. Bye”

I was so in love with her that for the following month I kept trying to do all sorts of things to get her back. She had her entire family (even ones whom I never met nor spoken with) block me from everywhere which surprised me as they all liked me so much and I also helped them in many things. After the first week of trying, she unblocked my number but blocked it again when I called.

The next week she did the same thing, and this block/unblock happened at a weekly basis. At first I thought she was just confused and regrets her decision to break up and that I just have to try harder to show her I love her so I made a plan to go NC for a few weeks while I work on myself. I lost weight for her (something she’s been asking me for for an entire year and even had it as a condition for us dating until she said that she’s not that shallow but had another condition that I lose weight within a year) now I’m a muscular/chubby guy so she wanted me to lose a bit of face and waist fat. I did that, I also got a fitness trainer certificate, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I lost weight for her, became a trainer for her, am ready to take responsibility for all my mistakes, and I’m ready to engage her and forget that she broke up with me. At the end of the letter I told her that this will be the last time I try to contact her, if she wants to be back together all she has to do is call me.

Before delivering the letter, I tried calling her again and I saw that my number was unblocked (she blocked it again after a few hours), so I delivered the letter to her via someone else. She read it and ignored it.

I then got the news that after we broke up, she got back in touch with all the guys she used to flirt with before we dated and she unblocked all the guys she previously blocked during her “you’re the only guy I wanna talk to” phase and is currently trying to get together with a guy in university in particular (he’s a player who has a lot of girls around him and would never love her the way I did) who she unblocked and is now talking and flirting with. This left me completely shattered and heartbroken but it was something I needed to wake up.

I finally blocked her from everywhere about three weeks and started to take my life back. I suspect she is stalking me as she I changed my profile picture on Facebook (which I rarely use so I don’t have a lot of people there) and it said that someone shared my picture but it won’t let me see who because they aren’t my friends and they have privacy settings on. Ive also had a request on Instagram from a fake account which I suspect to be her. (She’s the type to stalk people and she has fake accounts) But what happened still baffles me and leaves me with the following questions:

1 - Does she not remember all the things I’ve done for her and how much I sacrificed to make her happy?

2 - What did her constant unblocking my number then blocking it again whenever I call mean and why did she do it every week?

3 - Did she truly not feel anything when reading my final letter?

4 - She’s with me in all classes in university and she’s in the same major as me. We also share the same graduation date. Should I expect anything in particular to happen?

5 - Will she ever realize how good I was to her and regret her decision? (I don’t want her back, I just want to know that she knows all the extraordinary things I’ve done for her)

6 - If she now has plenty of other guys around her and might possibly be in a new relationship, why would she stalk me?

[SomeoneNice]

Hello everyone,
I am new to this site and I was hoping to get an explanation on what what happened with me and what I should expect in the future.

So this is my story, (please bear with me as it might be a bit long)

I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend (she initiated the breakup) who is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, C-PTSD (from sexual abuse), OCD, and severe depression 7 weeks ago.

Our relationship lasted for 13 months and it was filled with up and downs (lots of amazing moments followed by a lot of arguments). During the first three months of the relationship, it was truly heaven. She was extremely caring, we almost had no arguments, and even if we did, it would end in less than a minute and I just felt so lucky to be in relationship with such a beautiful and caring girl.

I was in love with her for 8 months before we dated but we weren’t close at all until she dated a guy for two weeks who ended up sexually abusing her and leaving her. I was there for her and helped her through that hard time and we began getting closer.

She then told me that she has PTSD from continuous sexual abuse by her uncle (who still visits them to this day and sexually abuses her) and I told her that whenever he comes to her family’s house, I’m going to drive up to her (it’s a one hour drive) and pick her up, calm her ptsd episode down (I was really good at calling her ptsd, whenever her ptsd was triggered she couldn’t look or listen to any man including her own father. I was the one she would be able to look at and touch whenever her ptsd episode is triggered) and just make sure that she doesn’t have to see him.

One day she told me that he’s coming over so I told her I’m on my way while we were still friends back then. I reached there, calmed her down, and she hugged me while her ptsd was triggered and told me she loves me. This is how our relationship began almost a year ago and as mentioned above, this moment was followed by three months of pure bliss.

After the three months passed, the arguments started increasing but It was manageable. She also decided to go see a therapist for her ptsd because she gets nightmares every night and doesn’t sleep.

I took her to a hospital with a psychiatrist and they performed a body scan with an x ray. I waited outside and when she came out she said “I’m going to tell you something and you have the right to leave me”. At this point I thought that she had cancer or something terminal but I still told her “I will never leave you no matter what” she then told me that she sat with the psychiatrist and she was diagnosed with BPD, OCD, and severe depression as well as C-PTSD. I still stood by what I said and told her I’m not going to leave you no matter what.

From that point, she started taking a ton of medications which caused her to have unhealthy looking skin, gain a lot of weight, become extremely fatigued, hallucinate things all the time, became extremely angry fast due to her hormones changing, and she would no longer be able to go on dates nor talk on the phone like we used. This went on for months. During this months I would stay up all night talking to her on the phone while she tries to sleep because she used to hallucinate creepy things so she always wanted to sleep on my voice and I had to keep the line open even after she sleeps because she wanted me to be there incase she wakes up.

In the morning time, we wouldn’t really talk much because she was always tired but I would send her daily paragraphs telling her how she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and how she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I used to write these paragraphs to make her happy as well as make the long drive to her home to bring her gifts and her favourite candy. I also used to write her old fashioned letters and take it to her home because she loved that. She used to do that with me too.

I used to attend online university classes for her and do her assignments and solve her exams for her while she sleeps because I knew she was tired and at weekends I would spend all my money taking her out to the best places. Of course, I made a lot of mistakes during this relationship but nothing out of the ordinary such as lying or cheating. I did so much for her that she reached the point where she cut off and blocked every guy she has ever known because she told me “you’re the only guy I want to talk to” and this made me so happy that I cut off every girl I’ve ever known too for her.

She also told her family about me and I got very close with them especially close with her mother who seemed to like me very much and often call me to vent out about stuff. My ex and I shared all of our deepest secrets with each other and she told me that I’m the first person that she ever trusts 100%

I used to even endure creepy stuff such as whenever she takes her medications, after an hour or so, her voice would change and she would start looking at the corner of the room and say things like “he’s here” and when I tell her that there’s nothing there she would say “He doesn’t like you.” To me in a creepy way. She used to refer to him as Juliana, and describe him as a tall dark faceless figure who follows her everywhere silently.

She’s also an artist but her art style dramatically changed from since we began dating. It used to be beautiful realistic drawings of bodies and faces but then it changed to a childish-like drawings of upside down crosses and other satanic symbolism.

A few months later, she stopped medications because it was doing more harm than good and she started doing normal therapy with no medications. She used to argue with me a lot over the smallest things during that while but we still managed. However, I noticed that during arguments, she started shouting, insulting, disrespecting me, and even comparing me to her ex’s. As time passed this got worse and she even started feeling as what she did is justified and stopped apologizing after the arguments. I still refused to leave her (although I was once abused so badly I wanted to leave her but she begged me not to do that so I calmed down and didn’t)

One day we had a huge argument over something truly minor and she completely raged and smashed her phone and blamed it on me. I calmed her down and apologized even though I didn’t believe it was my fault and we went on an amazing date (for some reason, all of our arguments were always on the phone but we never argued in person) and the next day she called me and opened up the very same argument again. She raged and told me she wants a break from this relationship and doesn’t want to see me until after a month. I agreed and the next day she sent me a text saying “we aren’t compatible. Good luck.” And blocked me from everywhere.

I managed to get a hold of her the next day and she told me that she’s breaking up with me because I’m a narcissist that never loved her and that she hates herself with me and wants to go back to the “old her” from before me. I reminded her of the things I did for her and she said “you did that to own me and I fell for it because I couldn’t believe that I found someone would love me this much” and I was in tears swearing that I love her but it was no use, she was so cold towards me and didn’t seem to care. I told her I’m willing to engage you right now to prove to you how much I love you (she was asking me to he engaged since our fourth month of dating but I didn’t agree because we are still university students in our last year)
She just said that it’s too late and started naming reasons (most of them never happened) as to why she’s leaving me. She ended up hanging up on me and blocking me with a final text that says “thank you for proving me that you’re a narcissist and I’m really happy I never went back to you. Losing you is my biggest win. Bye”

I was so in love with her that for the following month I kept trying to do all sorts of things to get her back. She had her entire family (even ones whom I never met nor spoken with) block me from everywhere which surprised me as they all liked me so much and I also helped them in many things. After the first week of trying, she unblocked my number but blocked it again when I called.

The next week she did the same thing, and this block/unblock happened at a weekly basis. At first I thought she was just confused and regrets her decision to break up and that I just have to try harder to show her I love her so I made a plan to go NC for a few weeks while I work on myself. I lost weight for her (something she’s been asking me for for an entire year and even had it as a condition for us dating until she said that she’s not that shallow but had another condition that I lose weight within a year) now I’m a muscular/chubby guy so she wanted me to lose a bit of face and waist fat. I did that, I also got a fitness trainer certificate, and I wrote her a letter telling her that I lost weight for her, became a trainer for her, am ready to take responsibility for all my mistakes, and I’m ready to engage her and forget that she broke up with me. At the end of the letter I told her that this will be the last time I try to contact her, if she wants to be back together all she has to do is call me.

Before delivering the letter, I tried calling her again and I saw that my number was unblocked (she blocked it again after a few hours), so I delivered the letter to her via someone else. She read it and ignored it.

I then got the news that after we broke up, she got back in touch with all the guys she used to flirt with before we dated and she unblocked all the guys she previously blocked during her “you’re the only guy I wanna talk to” phase and is currently trying to get together with a guy in university in particular (he’s a player who has a lot of girls around him and would never love her the way I did) who she unblocked and is now talking and flirting with. This left me completely shattered and heartbroken but it was something I needed to wake up.

I finally blocked her from everywhere about three weeks and started to take my life back. I suspect she is stalking me as she I changed my profile picture on Facebook (which I rarely use so I don’t have a lot of people there) and it said that someone shared my picture but it won’t let me see who because they aren’t my friends and they have privacy settings on. Ive also had a request on Instagram from a fake account which I suspect to be her. (She’s the type to stalk people and she has fake accounts) But what happened still baffles me and leaves me with the following questions:

1 - Does she not remember all the things I’ve done for her and how much I sacrificed to make her happy?

2 - What did her constant unblocking my number then blocking it again whenever I call mean and why did she do it every week?

3 - Did she truly not feel anything when reading my final letter?

4 - She’s with me in all classes in university and she’s in the same major as me. We also share the same graduation date. Should I expect anything in particular to happen?

5 - Will she ever realize how good I was to her and regret her decision? (I don’t want her back, I just want to know that she knows all the extraordinary things I’ve done for her)

6 - If she now has plenty of other guys around her and might possibly be in a new relationship, why would she stalk me?

[Scarredheart]

1 - Does she not remember all the things I’ve done for her and how much I sacrificed to make her happy?

2 - What did her constant unblocking my number then blocking it again whenever I call mean and why did she do it every week?

3 - Did she truly not feel anything when reading my final letter?

4 - She’s with me in all classes in university and she’s in the same major as me. We also share the same graduation date. Should I expect anything in particular to happen?

5 - Will she ever realize how good I was to her and regret her decision? (I don’t want her back, I just want to know that she knows all the extraordinary things I’ve done for her)

6 - If she now has plenty of other guys around her and might possibly be in a new relationship, why would she stalk me?

Those are some really good questions, and almost everyone who comes out of a relationship with a BPD asks them. I know I did, and still do sometimes.

I'm going to try and save you a lot of time and pain and get you some clarity. You're going to hurt for quite a while no matter what, but I'm hoping what I'm going to suggest gives you some answers.

Watch this. It will help. https://youtu.be/21DxJ9jMnvU

Read the other posts on the board. You'll see you're not alone. We get how you feel.

[Cromwell]

Hi Someonenice

On Q4.

This is something to wait and see but not get anxious about. If in same classes, going complete "no contact" strategy is unrealistic. I suggest being professional polite and get on with your studies as best as possible. She has sabotaged the relationship before it could escalate to the next level, it is a defence mechanism, it is about giving her power and avoiding emotional vulnerability. She might be hoping to have some relationship continue (to explain the block/unblock) but in a style that suits her best and gives her leverage. It depends on who else is available, ideally she can hook up with the campus player guy, and have you, add etc. Each as a source of need fulfillment, each as in her life but never getting too close, just orbiting. Thats the ideal, its just many folk dont want relationships like that. This is where the ball falls back into your court, the need to refocus not on her behaviour but whether it is acceptable to you, what you actually want and expect from relationships generally, and reflect on this will provide something you can work with to decide what to do next. My sympathy for all you have been through.

[risingup4]

I think the video Scarredheart shared should be required viewing for everyone who's been in a relationship with someone suffering from BPD. At least the first hour. He does a great job breaking down the entire experience and what is going on. He's got a bit of a tough love approach, which may be too much for a sensitive soul. But, I believe he takes that approach with an emphasis on love.

Additionally, I will say that the entire experience of the relationship from the perspective of your BPD partner likely bears little resemblance to your experience. This person has a completely different reality (whatever reality means), and time reveals this. This is why they sometimes don't remember what they said or did - we call it gaslighting, but for them maybe it's true that they don't remember because a different part of them took over for a while. So, looking for answers from their point of view is likely a waste of time.

The sad part is that staying the course of no contact and healing may be the most difficult thing you do in this life (it was for me). The discipline required to stay on a path of healing may be too much for most people - but I believe that with enough support and determination, this is possible. That discipline will be your salvation and will make you stronger. I promise that. In fact, this relationship might wind up being the one that sets you on a road to eventual happiness. It'll be bumpy, but worth it.

For whatever it is worth, I believe these individuals have come into our life to help us heal old wounds that they uniquely uncovered for us. Once they reveal that wound, it's up to us to turn our attention to healing that wound (which, requires making sure we ONLY have supportive people in our lives - i.e. not the BPD person).

Stay Strong!

[catlady90]

For whatever it is worth, I believe these individuals have come into our life to help us heal old wounds that they uniquely uncovered for us. Once they reveal that wound, it's up to us to turn our attention to healing that wound (which, requires making sure we ONLY have supportive people in our lives - i.e. not the BPD person).

Stay Strong!

I love this notion. I find part of what’s so difficult is the attempts on our end of making meaning out of things that for the BPD partner may very well have been meaningless. This is an alternative view that allows us to make meaning without having that meaning be tied to loving the BPD partner. Thank you for sharing this

[ILMBPDC]

For whatever it is worth, I believe these individuals have come into our life to help us heal old wounds that they uniquely uncovered for us. Once they reveal that wound, it's up to us to turn our attention to healing that wound (which, requires making sure we ONLY have supportive people in our lives - i.e. not the BPD person).

Funny you should say that - I've been thinking this as well.
My BPD forced me to address things I had long pushed down (related to an even worse relationship) and even with the first discard (which wasn't really a discard so much as a "I met someone else but I want to be friends with you and oh, we were always just friends with benefits even though I talked babies and family and future with you [WTF?]"), so I had never let go initially BUT I also recognized that my reaction to his pseudo-discard was waaayyy over the top and it wasn't about him at all and I needed to deal with that.  So in a way, my BPD was actually super helpful for me. Of course, I clung to him for months and months afterwards - through his next relationship, back to seeping with him and finally him discarding me because I said I felt like he was using me (hit too close home I guess!)
So yeah, I am working on myself and I don't know If I would be there if it weren't for him. Actually I know I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for him, so in that respect I am thankful

[Scarredheart]

Funny you should say that - I've been thinking this as well.
My BPD forced me to address things I had long pushed down (related to an even worse relationship) and even with the first discard (which wasn't really a discard so much as a "I met someone else but I want to be friends with you and oh, we were always just friends with benefits even though I talked babies and family and future with you [WTF?]"), so I had never let go initially BUT I also recognized that my reaction to his pseudo-discard was waaayyy over the top and it wasn't about him at all and I needed to deal with that.  So in a way, my BPD was actually super helpful for me. Of course, I clung to him for months and months afterwards - through his next relationship, back to seeping with him and finally him discarding me because I said I felt like he was using me (hit too close home I guess!)
So yeah, I am working on myself and I don't know If I would be there if it weren't for him. Actually I know I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for him, so in that respect I am thankful

It's really great that there are some positives that we can take out of these experiences. At least it doesn't end up feeling like a complete loss. I know that I'll always be grateful that I was able to help raise her kids. Even if we didn't work out, I've been able to help them mature and grow, which makes me happy despite the rest.

[SomeoneNice]

Hello everyone, and thank you all for your replies and kind support.
I’m still new to this site and am using a phone therefore I still don’t know how to make individual replies unfortunately.

I have to watched the video attached by one of the replies on my post and I have done a lot of research on BPD after the breakup. I’m doing a lot better than I did last month and I’ve been working on myself while my ex has been doing her best to give her number to at least one guy a day ever since the break up. I don’t know if she is doing this to fill a void “left by me” or this is some kind of reverse reaction because she didn’t get to meet and flirt with any guys while we were together so now she’s doing the opposite of what she couldn’t do.

Now that I think about it, there were so many red flags that I chose to ignore for the sake of love. One of them was when she threatened to kill herself to punish me. I still remember her haunting words. “I’m going to kill myself and make you live in a guilt trauma for the rest of your life”
That was honestly very messed up but I still chose to let it slide because she apologized while heavily crying afterwards and saying she didn’t mean any of that.
One time we were arguing and she was talking about breaking up and she said “If you ever leave me, I will forever be a trauma in your mind”. She was always so loving and caring towards me but once she gets angry it seems that her goal is to make me suffer. And she always wants to “traumatize/scar me for life” even though I might be the only guy in this world who endured everything for her and took care of her at her worst.

Sucks to be discarded when I did everything right for this girl...
What added salt to the sound is that she immediately unblocked that guy whom she blocked a year ago which means he has been on her mind while we were dating.

I truly hope karma hits her hard...I really do. I know this might not be the healthiest thought but the fact that I was suffering (growing but through pain and suffering) these past two months while she was enjoying her life laughing and flirting with every person with a male genitalia. I know that no other guy would be willing to put up with what I put up and will likely either leave or cheat on her or she would just discard them like she did with me but I guess all I wish to know is that she realizes what she lost, a guy that wouldn’t even gaze upon any other girl not even a glance, a guy who put up with all her long list of mental diseases when her own mother used to imply that she’s crazy when ever they fought, a guy who endured all her extreme rage episodes and disrespect, and a guy who was willing to take a huge responsibility at a young age and engage her...

I truly hope that karma hits her hard and she knows what she lost...

[ILMBPDC]

I've been thinking about this - its really interesting to me that your ex called you a narcissist because my exBPD said that his ex-wife was a "classic narcissist, she fits all of the symptoms". We didn't talk about her a ton but nothing he ever told me about her would make me think "narcissist" (though she does seem to have some issues) and of course I never met her.

It just makes me wonder if BPDs often go around "diagnosing" people or calling them narcissists for some reason. Thought I have read that NPD and BPDs often end up together so maybe he is not wrong.

I'm just thinking out loud here.

[SomeoneNice]

Topic Summary
Posted on: August 24, 2021, 01:48:24 PM Posted by: ILMBPDC
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I've been thinking about this - its really interesting to me that your ex called you a narcissist because my exBPD said that his ex-wife was a "classic narcissist, she fits all of the symptoms". We didn't talk about her a ton but nothing he ever told me about her would make me think "narcissist" (though she does seem to have some issues) and of course I never met her.

It just makes me wonder if BPDs often go around "diagnosing" people or calling them narcissists for some reason. Thought I have read that NPD and BPDs often end up together so maybe he is not wrong.

I have asked a therapist about this and he told me that is part of their projection. They would most likely have narcissistic traits themselves and they “project and see it in you” and then use that as a means of justification for their devaluation or discard.

[ILMBPDC]

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I have asked a therapist about this and he told me that is part of their projection. They would most likely have narcissistic traits themselves and they “project and see it in you” and then use that as a means of justification for their devaluation or discard.

Interesting and it makes sense. He does have a few narcissistic traits though not enough (that I'm aware of anyway) to be NPD

[Duped_312]

Hi SomeoneNice,

Your story is painful to read. It will never stop being upsetting me how much we put up with and endure, and how effort we give, to these people who do not at all appreciate it or deserve it. Even if there are moments of apparent genuine appreciation, it is just as quickly rescinded or pretended to have not even happened sometime later on.

I've liked my own whole ordeal as pulling off rose-colored glasses, of sorts. I mean... nothing about my life for the last 6 years has been rose colored, but whatever glasses I had on prevented me from seeing how bad things were and that there is a NAME, and actual TERMS for it ALL. Now the glasses are off I see things like I've been snapped out of a mind bend. And funny enough my ex tells ME to snap out of it. But what he really wants me to snap back into it. Back into the hypnosis. Back into the manipulation.

Hearing how much you did for this person and the things you tried to say and help with is difficult. I was reading it and shaking my head. I did this for two reasons, though: 1) WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ... but 2) I was guilty of doing most of it as well at some point and I felt like I was really being faced with how dumb I was for so long. I struggled most recently with that feeling. The feeling of being an idiot. The feeling of hating myself for allowing it all. Allow yourself those feelings, but try to not blame yourself. It is hard, and perhaps you have qualities within yourself that contributed to this kind of a relationship (something I am realizing about myself as well), but you are not to blame.

Youve been through a lot. I think you might benefit from some therapy as well. Youve bene through traumatic and abusive relationship. There is sh*t to unpack professionally. You have thoughts and feelings that need to be validated. Your therapy is also about YOU. Not to talk about them or diagnose her or about what she had or what she did. yes some of that, obviously has to be said but value yourself enough to dig into YOU. Where are YOU right now, where do YOU want to be a year from now? What coping skills can YOU develop?

You said you'd like to now what to expect for the future. Expect more of the same. These people have no limits. They will emotionally bankrupt you forever. There is no end, they are black holes. It is up to us, the good people who DO have limits, to harness those limits, stick to them and move on as if the other person never really existed. Unfortunately I share children with my ex, so consider yourself able to something I wish so wholeheartedly I could do .

You can also expect nothing from the family. It is in your best interest to disassociate with that entire crew. We are the company we keep.

You can also expect to take 2 steps fwd and 3 steps back, many times. You will feel like youre moving on, and then maybe be racked with guilt. It is important to know that feelings are not facts, and feelings pass through us and go away, allow them to enter, and allow them to pass. In the grand scheme of your life at this juncture, this does not define you. In 30 years you will look back at this, as these kinds of people are literally unforgettable, sadly, but you will look BACK at this. Bc you will have moved FORWARD. Those people dont move forward. They either stay, or move back.

And I like what the others said about seeing that people come into and out of our lives for reasons. When those reasons have been achieved,  the universe has a way of removing them. Sometimes those reasons are obvious, other times they are buried deep. But either way, seeing all of this with the perspective that it is a (really unfortunate) learning experience is a good way to make it less about them (which is what they want) and more about you.

Good luck to you and keep us posted. I always love an update

[SomeoneNice]

To ILMBPDC:

A Person with Borderline Personality Disorder can have narcissistic traits that are just barely less than sufficient for them to have NPD (For example: they might have 4 or 3 narcissistic traits out of 9 which doesn’t qualify them to be NPD as I believe they need to have 5 or more)

Many BPD’s have narcissistic co-morbidities. You’re likely to see them whenever they’re upset or angry at you. Terrifying experience.

[SomeoneNice]

To Duped_312

I am very sorry that you had to go through that. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for 6 entire years. Dealing with a male Borderline having a rage episode during an argument must have been terrifying.

I’m a tall and muscular guy and my girlfriend was only half my weight but it was a scary experience whenever she started raging. The unpredictability of when she would hold a knife and try to commit suicide or suddenly change the direction of the steering wheel while I’m driving was an awful experience.

I don’t regret being there for her the past year as I’m a religious person and I believe that whatever good we do is for God and that God will reward us for it. But I still can’t shake the fact that even though I might have been the person who stood by her the most in her entire life, she simply forgot all about it and moved on to the next guy.

I had also worked so hard on being the perfect boyfriend. Growing up I didn’t really have any friends, and I’ve been cheated on before when I got into relationships so when I met this girl and saw how innocent she was and how beautiful she was I thought that she was “The one”

Therefore I had worked extra hard at being the perfect boyfriend from all aspects, I lost weight and built muscle for her, I continuously groomed and trimmed my beard and kept a nice hairstyle, i always was well dressed whenever I saw her, I did everything possible to be the most physically attractive guy she would want. And emotionally I showed her continuous love and affection and would write her paragraphs everyday. And whenever she needed me (which was often) I would always be her “knight in shining armor” who is ready to drive an hour to her house just to make her feel safe.

Looking back, no matter how hard I tried it was never enough. She always wanted more. For instance, I’ve always had large biceps which I took pride in as I’ve been working on making them for the past decade and almost every girl I’ve ever met liked them but she kept asking me to “make them smaller”, I always wear black/dark clothes, she started asking me to wear bright colors, she would even sometimes ask me to change my accent and talk in a different one. And it just hurt a lot because even though I used to look at her and see everything I’ve ever wanted, she used to look at me and think to herself “I wish he looked more like so and so”

I have only recently started to gain self confidence back as I’m hitting the gym more, spending more time with loved ones, and trying to become a much improved version of myself but I still struggle with feelings of emptiness and depression.
University is starting out next week and she’s with me in all classes so I’m really hoping that I have no interaction with her.

[Duped_312]

Any update SomeoneNice? You mentioned you have school with her in your classes? I cannot even imagine. How are things going?

[SomeoneNice]

Any update SomeoneNice? You mentioned you have school with her in your classes? I cannot even imagine. How are things going?

Hey Duped_312, thanks for asking. University started about 6 weeks ago and unfortunately she’s with me in 3 classes out of 5 while my other ex (non BPD ex) is with me in one of the other classes. Amazing luck I have, right? Thankfully, both ex’s aren’t with each other in the same class as they hate each other since before they met me.

As for the classes with my BPD ex, they seem to be going very smoothly as I completely ignore her existence. Classes so far have been online so I don’t have to see her face until next Tuesday (as we have a lab class that requires to physically attend)

I’m a vocal guy in class and I like to make the class and the professors laugh during class time. This seems to annoy her very much as I remember before we dated, she had split me
Black when we were friends and every time I used to make a joke and the class laughs she would breathe heavily and then roll her eyes.

Can’t imagine her reaction now that she literally hates my guts even more than before.

I was paired with her for a group assignment in which we were put in a call alone with her but I simply exited the call and didn’t say anything to her and asked the professor not to pair me with her again. It’s a small victory, but a victory indeed as the old me would have jumped at the opportunity to talk to her while the new me simply walked away. When she opened the mic again in the online class to answer I could feel the hurt in her voice as her fear of abandonment has been triggered. Sucks to have a taste of her own medicine I suppose.

I have spent the past three months focusing on getting bigger at the gym and upgraded my wardrobe style as well as beard style so I can’t wait for her to see me (I am much better looking than the replacement). Our class has only about 6 students so I’m likely to be the center of attention as I’m very well liked by all of them as well as the professor. I’m going to use this to my advantage as I slowly destroy her while ignoring her existence. And the best part of it all is that I won’t have to do anything out of the ordinary, just be myself while she watches me and burns on the inside.

God is good.