Starting Couples Therapy - Take 2 - Advice needed

[runningfortacos]

My uBPDw and I are starting couples therapy for the 2nd time.  The first therapist that I picked she got upset with and wouldn't continue after 3 sessions. My frustration with how quickly she bowed out of the process led to a big fight and talks of divorce as I'm not convinced that we can succeed without therapy.  However, we were able to reconcile and we're now going to a therapist that she choose.  I'm happy with this therapist as well (in general, I think I'd be happy with most competent therapists).  This therapist has a little gentler approach and tone which I think is helping but I still can see my wife getting frustrated and emotional when I explain how I'm feeling hurt by her behavior.  I do have some concerns that she may try to stop seeing this therapist as well. 

Curious about those in the community that has done couples therapy, do you just speak openly and honestly with the therapist even if your SO has strong reactions in the session?  I feel like getting things out in the open and giving the therapist a clear description of the relationship's true state is important.  But how do you balance that with the worry that your SO might cut and run if things get too real?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s certainly a valid concern. My husband thought the therapist and I were ganging up on him, but at the time, it was the only safe place for me to express myself.

I found that doing individual therapy was more beneficial than couples counseling. A couple of years later I saw the same psychologist, who told me then that she believed my husband has a personality disorder.

Would it be possible to schedule individual sessions with this therapist?

People with BPD are very reluctant to be told of their shortcomings and often quit therapy when it gets to the accountability phase..

[NotAHero]

 3 sessions for a first try is not bad.

 We went to one session and it was a complete failure. Looks like your wife is at least trying.

[zondolit]

My uBPD husband and I tried couples therapy for two years. My husband did not like either of the two therapists we saw. I think he would resonate with Cat Familiar's husband feeling like the sessions were unfair. My guess is this is typical with BPD.

I try practicing authenticity in sessions (and out) but, at this point in my journey, I have to be very deliberate and careful in order to not be invalidating. I can be more real, more myself, in solo sessions.

The biggest thing I got out of marriage therapy was the realization that my husband has uBPD. (Neither therapist told me this until I asked specifically in a solo session.) From the more neutral vantage point of therapy, I watched how my husband treated the therapists, felt uncomfortable with his behavior, and then realized this (and worse) is how he treats me! That led me to this website and all the books and other resources.

In therapy we worked on setting agreements for how to share the workload better. We were (are) unable to come to these agreements on our own. For me this has meant some of the workload is now more evenly shared. Having the therapist along to "enforce" the agreements was also helpful as my husband tends to twist things to his advantage.

There are times I do not feel safe discussing certain things with my husband. I now will say, "I'm willing to talk about this but I must have a therapist present." Then he can choose to either not discuss it or set up an appointment.

When various conflicts arise, I'll also calmly repeat some things the therapist said, like "You may ask, and I may say 'no.'"

The therapy did not change or even get to the underlying dynamics of our marriage. Still, it gave me the confidence to think more about what I want and the life I want to live instead of being so beholden to obligation, which I am prone to and which my husband uses as a form of control.