Parenting a special needs child with uBPD spouse

[TheBatHammer]

When it rains...

LSS, currently separated, have paused divorce proceedings, we are in marital counseling, have been in a trial period of a month plus. It's been relatively stable, but remains unproductive, imbalanced, inequitable and unfulfilling in terms of our interpersonal relationship.

We have recently discovered and confirmed through our own observation and several teachers that our two year old child may be on the spectrum. I plan to consult with the experts once we can schedule something, but has anyone here had any experience with co-parenting or parenting an autistic or other special needs child with a BPD or someone with a PD?

I can't imagine the added stress and complexity and increased demands of parenting are good for the uBPD in terms of maintaining emotional balance. Just today, I got accused of being the reason our child may have this issue during a completely unrelated conversation.

And of course now I'm seriously concerned about the impact on our child if I initiate further separation/divorce proceedings. Granted, I don't know much of anything about it to begin with. My gut is that special needs children probably need a "safe space" as much as or more than usual.

Curious if anyone has any experience in this realm.

[Mommeredith81]

I don't have that experience but have seen many posts from people coparenting with an ex with BPD and they have had to fight with the ex to agree on services and doctors. So those sorts of things are worth keeping in mind when you finalize an agreement. You could put something in there about how if there's no tie-breaker, the regular doctor's decision prevails or something like that..as long as you don't let that backfire (you don't want your ex picking some random doctor who doesn't specialize in what your child needs). Disclaimer, I'm not a lawyer, but I've seen BPD exes disagree with medical decisions just to engage.

One of my kids has had some special needs (not spectrum) and I have found that my BPD ex gradually stopped fighting me on medical stuff, but it took slow steps, boundaries, and lots of quiet on my part (not engaging too much) to get to where we are right now. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel, in many cases. Early in our divorce, my L used to have to send him stern letters about his canceling medical appointments I made, etc. Or he'd keep texting me asking why the doctor never called him back (not true). Then he'd demand that I have the doctor call him back, but didn't attend the appointments. Or he'd demand that appointments be at a time he wasn't working then not show up anyway. Trying my best to stay "gray rock" helped.

Of course, every experience is different. If your child is high functioning he may not need as many services, and the good news is, school may provide or recommend some. You can also say something in your agreement about following school recommendations if you are confident in the school.

If your L has experience in high conflict cases, he/she can come up with things to put in the agreement so you don't have to fight every time your child needs to see a specialist or what have you.

Also, there  may be schools in your district or area that are better with kids on the spectrum - something to think about too. In my district, one of the elementary schools is better set up for special needs students than the others.

Yes, stability helps kids in this regard, but having at least one stable parent goes a long way too.

[OutofthePain]

I have a son with Down syndrome who BPD wife insisted on homeschooling.  Huge mistake. Public schools are the best at meeting the development needs of kids like my son.  He regressed to the point that he stopped walking and was crawling again. Wife was sabotaging his development to keep him dependent. 

I had had several years of counseling and group therapy (Alanon) at this point. I had learned not to care how she behaved or what she didn’t like.  This disarmed her to a degree.  I put my foot down and placed him in public school. She acted like an idiot in front of the school staff.  Nevertheless, it was the right thing to do.

[Turkish]

My ex pushed to get our son evaluated at 7, and he was diagnosed with ASD1, like what they used to call Asperger's. I noticed things from 2 years of age and used to call him Baby Rainman (not to him). So I was mad when he was Dx'd mostly due to my observations in the parent interviews. He'd hyperfocus on single subjects, line up and organize everythingfrom toys to the jam packets at restaurants. Good at counting. I taught him multiplication on about 5 minutes in kindergarten, and at the same age would assemble toys by reading directions. He was Also later a little naive about other children's motivations.

We did in-home ABA therapy for almost a year... and I was left on the hook for the co-pays, her share being about $1500 by custody stipulation.

It drove me nuts when she'd tell others, "my son is on the spectrum, too!" Comparing him to much lower functioning children. Long term friends might notice that he can be a little quirky sometimes, as in educating you a mile deep about a single topic, oblivious of your interest, but people think I'm crazy for labeling him.

Though I wasn't blamed for his autism, I am blamed to this day for other things including if the kids get sick.

It's hard not to take it personally, but her accusations aren't about you, but her core feelings of lack of self worth. It's verboten in the autism community to blame parents (mostly mothers) though I feel that parents can make things worse.

I'd definitely get him evaluated and the professionals can hope fully put to rest the blaming.

It could really be that he got traits from her. My ex once hinted that she might be autistic, and I had already suspected that after our son's Dx. Even if so, it's no one's fault. I have a physical disability I passed onto our daughter which is minor for her, but will Manifest itself if she has a son.

And of course now I'm seriously concerned about the impact on our child if I initiate further separation/divorce proceedings. Granted, I don't know much of anything about it to begin with. My gut is that special needs children probably need a "safe space" as much as or more than usual.

That's a tough one to deal with, another accusation. You're right, but it's doable. My ex left just after our son turned 12 and D10 was still 1. To this day, our daughter has more trouble dealing with her mom and I not together. S12 is better. He likes routine... Aspie powers.

That being said, he's felt safer with me as she still tends to fly off the handle BPD- like from time to time.

[kells76]

Slightly different, but my DH's 14 year old finally got SPED services at the end of last school year, for something like "learning disability not otherwise specified" (i.e. not ADD, ADHD, ASD, or dyslexia specifically) which shows up as dysgraphia type stuff and difficulty with planning and prioritizing.

SD14 has also wondered out loud to me if she is autistic. On the one hand I lean towards No, or at least not in a way that impacts her daily life. Also, she is on social media a lot (more than I'd like), and that seems to be the "trendy" thing for teens these days -- to be autistic. On the other hand, it's not like I "don't want her to be autistic" and it's fine if she is. She has wondered if she would get more SPED services if she were diagnosed.

So in terms of getting services/accommodations/supports it has kind of been like pulling teeth. Not a lot of independent unsolicited communication from the SPED team or teachers to us about how SD14 is doing or what it looks like in the "Learning Center". If you want to know what's going on, what supports your student is getting, if teachers are following the IEP, etc, you have to do the legwork yourself (at least that's been our experience), and that's just for "easy" stuff like -- needs headphones, needs speech to text software, needs laptop, teachers must provide lecture note handouts, needs 30 minutes handwriting intervention per week, etc.

Plus it's all been Zoom so far. On the plus side we don't have to be in the same room as SD14's mom and stepdad for the meetings, which have happened 2x/year at most. On the minus side, it's Zoom, which is ridiculous for discussing SPED needs. SD14's "Learning Center" meetings last year were also Zoom and it was really not helpful, though "technically" meeting requirements.

OK, in terms of when the other parent has a PD -- so SD14's mom seems to have strong BPD type traits, and her stepdad has strong NPD traits. Yay. So SPED meetings always have a "hidden agenda" for Mom as being a stage where she can perform how supportive she is. Mom's "deal" is that "she is the only real mom" who "is the only one with special insight into the kids" and her insecurity about that comes out All. The. Time. The last SPED meeting we had, the team asked us for our observations about how SD14 was doing, so I went first and talked about what I saw. Backstory, SD14 uses a different name at school, and also a couple of nicknames with family, though Mom's house has started using "the school name" in public (though not always in private) to "perform" how supportive they are. Also gender pronouns -- it's "she" with us and some other places but "they" at school, so again Mom performs her "understanding and support" by using "they" in public (but again, "she" in private). So the last meeting, I'm giving my observations, using SD14's nickname (not "school name") and no pronouns. Yes I have gotten very skilled at not using anyone's pronouns  because I don't want to spend time fighting about "who is right" instead of focusing on the SPED issues. SD14 isn't in the meeting yet but will be soon. Mom breaks in with "I just want to say that everyone should use School Name and They out of respect and consistency for SD14". Basically publicly centering and privileging her relationship with SD14 as the only "valid" one and signaling how "she is the understanding, supportive Mom, and kells76 is disrespectful and incorrect". Oh, it was a blast 

SPED team meetings will likely continue to serve as fora for Mom to perform her supportivity without actually having to do anything tangible in real life. Mom does not help with HW as far as I have heard and does not write emails to the SPED team to make sure the IEP is being followed. If I talk about doing those things, which I have, then Mom jumps on the coattails and is all like "well we have already had SO many open conversations at our house about these topics and I am already in agreement with that".

Basically, our experience with SPED for SD14 and a PD mom is that we have to work extra hard to keep the focus on SD14's actual academic needs. Every meeting together is another opportunity for Mom and Stepdad to portray themselves as "the good, warm, loving, supportive, correct" family and us as "the villains, not as supportive, so insensitive, out of touch, not insightful". You'll have to have some major cojones to let all that slide and relentlessly focus on tangible plans and services for your child. Look at it as running a business, in a way. Cc your son's mom on all emails to the team (to show you are a team player), keep anything to her directly as BIFF as possible, never get in arguments about "who is more supportive" / "whose fault is it", don't take bait about "who is the better parent", come up with an email schedule for requesting updates that is more frequent than the team meetings, have checklists and keep notes about what services are legally required and how/when they are implemented.

Not sure if any of this helped, more to add another voice to the experiences here. I think all of us posters have had the same general experience of:

SPED will be used in some way to blame you and put you down, and elevate her. She will do all kinds of things to use SPED (meetings, services, personnel) to make her be the parent "on top" and you the parent "below". Knowing that ahead of time can help you jiu-jitsu around all that stuff and drill down on what your son needs no matter what.

[ForeverDad]

SD14 has also wondered out loud to me if she is autistic. On the one hand I lean towards No...

I wonder if this can be answered, at least to some extent, similar to how new members here arrive feeling like they've been blamed so much that they must be the ones with BPD... "If you can ask yourself a thoughtful question like that, then you're not, or not very much."

[kells76]

I wonder if this can be answered, at least to some extent, similar to how new members here arrive feeling like they've been blamed so much that they must be the ones with BPD... "If you can ask yourself a thoughtful question like that, then you're not, or not very much."

To her credit, she did wonder "but what if I got tested and it came back negative", so I told her that was a very important thing to think about -- what it would mean to her to be or not be autistic.

I'm at 95% certain she's not, but if that's what she wants to focus on in life, I guess that's OK compared to other interests?

[TheBatHammer]

Some really good and in depth info here, thanks to all of you for the responses.

I do think she genuinely cares about our child's wellbeing and wants them to have the best care and opportunities possible, but there's definitely a performative element to it thus far. Part of that may be that this is her medical specialty, so she does more or less know exactly what should or shouldn't be done, the steps to take, etc. But even though she has expertise, she's almost presenting herself like a professional expert, which she isn't.

[ForeverDad]

A man who represents himself, has a fool for a client. — Abraham Lincoln

The same principle can apply to medical issues, family does have input and even authority, but it should be balanced with a neutral doctor's advice.