Lost and Struggling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while. It’s been 3 months since I broke up with my BPDex. We were together for a month and a half and she was my first relationship. I am 23... I still feel like sh*t. I workout everyday, I go to therapy every week, I am taking classes online, and I’ve just started courses to get my real estate license. I’m trying to do what I can externally, doing the “right things”, that everyone says to do to move on, but I’m just left feeling depressed, hollow, and longing while doing all this.

I’ve been on dating apps, went on a date 2 weeks ago and have a new one planned for this upcoming weekend, but the sparks are generally just not there. It’s got my really missing my ex and constantly wondering what she’s doing, if she’s seeing anyone, etc. Constant rumination...

We broke up at the beginning of September and I ended up messaging her at the end of October, breaking no contact asking how she was doing and I told her that I was thinking of her. She responded but basically stonewalled me, repeating almost word for word the last texts that she had sent when we had messaged each other. I haven’t messaged her since.

I don’t know what I’m doing . I know this is toxic, but early on after the breakup, most of my focus on healthy habits and fitness were motivated by the idea that we would end up getting back together. After that last interaction a month ago though, I’ve just been feeling totally withdrawn and unmotivated. Right now, I’m basically forcing myself to keep up with my body, classes, and this real estate thing.

From going to spending entire days together, sleeping together, laughing and seeing each other multiple times a week to absolutely nothing and getting stonewalled after reaching out is just absolutely soul crushing. If makes me wonder if I meant anything at all to her. It’s been 3 months, but in my mind, she is still having such a massive influence.

What should I do? I’ve watched countless hours of videos on BPD and read so many articles. I feel like I’ve exhausted everything I can think of outside of moving to a different country in my efforts to move on with my life. Why am I STILL so stuck on her? This is so torturous at this point. The lack of closure and everything still makes me angry and feel so many other emotions. If anyone has any thoughts, advice, or anything I’d greatly appreciate it.

Deep Blue

[Deep Blue]

Hello everyone,

It’s been a while. It’s been 3 months since I broke up with my BPDex. We were together for a month and a half and she was my first relationship. I am 23... I still feel like sh*t. I workout everyday, I go to therapy every week, I am taking classes online, and I’ve just started courses to get my real estate license. I’m trying to do what I can externally, doing the “right things”, that everyone says to do to move on, but I’m just left feeling depressed, hollow, and longing while doing all this.

I’ve been on dating apps, went on a date 2 weeks ago and have a new one planned for this upcoming weekend, but the sparks are generally just not there. It’s got my really missing my ex and constantly wondering what she’s doing, if she’s seeing anyone, etc. Constant rumination...

We broke up at the beginning of September and I ended up messaging her at the end of October, breaking no contact asking how she was doing and I told her that I was thinking of her. She responded but basically stonewalled me, repeating almost word for word the last texts that she had sent when we had messaged each other. I haven’t messaged her since.

I don’t know what I’m doing . I know this is toxic, but early on after the breakup, most of my focus on healthy habits and fitness were motivated by the idea that we would end up getting back together. After that last interaction a month ago though, I’ve just been feeling totally withdrawn and unmotivated. Right now, I’m basically forcing myself to keep up with my body, classes, and this real estate thing.

From going to spending entire days together, sleeping together, laughing and seeing each other multiple times a week to absolutely nothing and getting stonewalled after reaching out is just absolutely soul crushing. If makes me wonder if I meant anything at all to her. It’s been 3 months, but in my mind, she is still having such a massive influence.

What should I do? I’ve watched countless hours of videos on BPD and read so many articles. I feel like I’ve exhausted everything I can think of outside of moving to a different country in my efforts to move on with my life. Why am I STILL so stuck on her? This is so torturous at this point. The lack of closure and everything still makes me angry and feel so many other emotions. If anyone has any thoughts, advice, or anything I’d greatly appreciate it.

Deep Blue

[Firsttimefather]

Glad you are here and sorry you are going through it. I’m on break #2 in a one year relationship with live-in Bpd gf. This time she actually called the cops as well as threaten to make false allegation reports if I don’t do as she says, she is cold, absolutely just mean to the point of dehumanizing when she is on this side of the disorder. I wanted us to succeed I really did. Promises of therapy. Attempts at accountability and boundaries. As I look back I see how basically she and I met and she seeded the field little by little with all the weeds as well as fruits of this type of relationship. The little ways i became her caretaker holding a glass of hope out that it is just us growing together, getting to know each other and there will be some payoff at the other end. Well the machine didn’t light up with the lights and buzzers of jackpot winnings, nope…complete opposite, bust. I have accepted that it is over. I can never go back. All trust is gone and every day of a week and a half has been a struggle. Had to break NC yesterday as we share a rental together, but I removed myself from the situation and I work diligently to push forward and recover from this. I train myself to be ready to not give in should she appear again. What I want to say for both of us, truth is, these relationships seem to seldom end well. Those that do last either seem to be out of either the inability to because of say children, marriage, etc or if they do last, seldom do I see anyone with one good straight year of life free of  the drama, the cheating, the lying, the blaming, the gaslighting, the walking on eggshells.. when I think of this it helps remind me that I need to move forward and look forward to healthy relationships. Again I’m sorry you are struggling and I don’t know if my response helps but as you consider how much work you put in already and though not fully moved on, consider how if you continued the cycle would begin again, drain you again, spit you out again and maybe you will spend longer pulling yourself out. It’s a ‘sad but true situation’ and I’m sorry for that.  At the end of the day it’s a mental illness. The poetry of love doesn’t stand much a chance against the clinical construct of the illness.

[once removed]

early on after the breakup, most of my focus on healthy habits and fitness were motivated by the idea that we would end up getting back together

this is progress.

its natural, i dare say largely unavoidable, that at first, recovering from an ex pretty much revolves around the ex. whether its with the hope of getting them back, or the hope of leaving them behind. or even competing with them.

eventually, before it becomes about doing it with enthusiasm, it turns to doing it just for the sake of doing it. which at one time, may have seemed like an impossibility. it doesnt feel much better. its hollow and empty, mundane and routine.

broken bones dont heal over night, and new lives arent built over night.

i faced the same frustration: "im doing all the right things but im still thinking about her and dont feel better". it can be a little bit like watching water boil.

most progress is seen more in hindsight than day to day. if you look back, i imagine things look pretty different today than they did at the time, even if the struggles are similar. it isnt like where you do _______ and notice x % improvement; emotional recovery just doesnt really work that way. it doesnt mean you arent healing.

there may be a number of things going on, any of which may or may not apply.

1. you may be clinically depressed. id discuss this with your therapist if you havent already.
2. you may in part be avoiding grieving the relationship, and that could be why you feel stuck. i know for the first several months it sure seemed like i was grieving, i was in constant pain and rumination, but i was also going back and forth between hope, resolve, feeling emotionally involved in the situation, and just trying to survive. it wasnt until some months later that i really truly felt the end of the relationship in my heart and mind. when that happened, things got worse at first, and then they began to get better.

[ILMBPDC]

I feel like I’ve exhausted everything I can think of outside of moving to a different country in my efforts to move on with my life. Why am I STILL so stuck on her? This is so torturous at this point. The lack of closure and everything still makes me angry and feel so many other emotions. If anyone has any thoughts, advice, or anything I’d greatly appreciate it.

Deep Blue - I feel you, and I don't think that your experience is unusual. I don't know if I can offer any advice, just some support from someone who still struggles off and on with feeling stuck on my ex. Its extremely hard to let go in general and even harder when you are dealing with BPD and lack of closure. Its only been a few months and she was your first relationship to boot.

One thing I do advise is trying to let go of the need to have closure - that will eat you up and you will never get any answers. Really, the answer is: she has BPD, and you will never understand how her brain works. It sucks but there it is.

Another thing that I am working on is my own self-worth, I don't know if that's an issue for you but its a big issue for me. In general I am doing well but every now and thine I wonder "why didn't he want me, what's wrong with me" The thing is, there is nothing wrong with me - he is the issue and its really his loss that he didn't want me (and my gain that he didn't want me - I can't imagine a long term BPD relationship after reading these boards). So, on my bad days I remind myself that I deserve better - I deserve someone who won't play with my feelings and someone who has regard for me as a person. And you do too. It takes time to heal - but you will get there.

[rob66]

Hey, DeepBlue, I'd say stay on course. The exercise is helping YOU for YOURSELF. Keep that up. I've thrown myself hardcore into exercise - mostly because I'm very active, but also because its good for me. Now, I'm looking forward to an amazing ski season - if the snow ever arrives.

Give the process time. If you KNOW your ex was diagnosed, then that is all you need to know. Run. You are young. You will meet someone who doesn't have mental illness. In the end, you know you're own worth, and if you think you deserve better than dating someone with mental illness, then give it time.

I wouldn't be dating anyone right now if I were you. Any new person invariably leads to comparisons, and that keeps you stuck. Remember, dating someone with BPD is exhilarating. But not every relationship begins that way, nor is it the best way to judge the success of one. Stay strong, and stay on the path.