Is It a Lost Cause?

[yeethedonut]

Hi, I dunno whether to call this a 'betterment' or a 'conflict about continuing', it's a bit of both. My BPD(untreated, only on mood stabilizers but they aren't helping a lot) boyfriend and I have been arguing often through our relationship, we've had a lot of 'breakups' and the tone of them now is usually me wanting to stay and him being weird on the fence, in terms of he understands that relationships take work but he still thinks that we should just find someone who is 'good enough' and stick with them for the rest of our lives. He struggles with good communication, I asked him the question of, "What would make our relationship improve?" to try and figure out how we could make things better... he got very upset with that, and said that he didn't want to 'become a dictator in our relationship and control me, and force me to change". He's very upset and sensitive at the idea of one or both of us changing something for the betterment of our relationship, he believes very firmly that people should just work right away, and should never have to change or make the relationship better, it should just be good enough right away and if it stops working, find someone new instead of solving problems if it involves 'changing'. It's very offensive to him and he perceives it as control.

Our latest argument ended this way, we sort of decided to 'stay' together, sort of, it felt somewhat one-sided on my part. I emphasized to him that it wasn't going to work unless we both wanted it to. He sort of said something along the lines of, 'okay well you figure it out', and that was the end of it. He also said within it that he wasn't willing to change anything in terms of his anger(which is the main cause of our arguments: something small happens, he blows up completely and things become a run-away train) and he didn't want more pills, treatment, anything like that. Basically... it all falls on me. Is this even possible? I do have some codependency traits that make our relationship harder, and that is something I can work on on my side. But to think he doesn't want to do anything differently on his... that all the responsibility is on me. Further, it feels like he just... has completely disconnected from the relationship. It felt he was trying before, and then when we argued again he just became dead weight. Is this salvageable in these circumstances? Can this even be fixed? I just feel so... demotivated now, in the way he's acting.

It's worth noting that it feels like somethings just... completely changed in the last 1-2 weeks about him. He used to talk to me about an interest in being married one day, about not having the anger problems anymore, and how maybe change could be a good thing and how people could work out their problems, how he wanted to get therapy to help himself. Now he's slammed down a completely opposite perspective, how he will never get married, how he will never change, how this is how he is permanently and that he doesn't want therapy at all. This was all stuff he used to think at the beginning of our relationship, almost 1.5 years ago. He slowly opened up and become softer and sweeter, began to believe all the things I mentioned first. And now it's like all that progress is gone, all of it. He's says it's naive now, that I'm incredibly naive for believing that relationships can work through mutual growth and working with each other to make the relationship better. He says he deeply dislikes it, because he's labelled it as naive. I don't understand... why has he suddenly changed everything and shut down completely? He won't even talk to me about it, even if I asked... I think it's a defence mechanism and he's terrified to let me back in because he thinks I'm going to hurt him. Anything sensitive or personal he gets very defensive and angry about.

Can this be even saved...? I have no idea. Please help... any input is valuable.

[ForeverDad]

Is it a lost cause?  Hmm... that is your decision to make.  We in peer support are informative sounding boards.  Collectively, we've been there, done that.  We can point you to tools, skills and strategies that have been time-tested to work... or not work.

You're in a place of choice, one path is to continue struggling with the one huge dilemma (BPD perceptions and patterns), the other path is to exit.  This is impacted by the FOG we often are facing (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

Lift a finger to feel the wind.  Which direction is it blowing?  After 1.5 years, are things heading in the right direction?  Improving, or not?

If you do continue... understand that he may eventually stop the mood drugs in the future, many stop because they don't like the side effects.  While these drugs can moderate the BPD issues, the real path toward recovery is with meaningful application of long term therapy.

It's possible that his reason to keep in contact with his ex is that he is keeping her on the back burner (cooking analogy) in case he wants a restart in the future, not unheard of with pwBPD.  Maybe it's innocent but...

If you do not continue... You're not married, so legal issues are limited.  You don't have children together, so no custody issues to keep you linked for years to come.  Likely you don't have complicated accounts or possessions that can't be separated as the relationship ends.

I sense that you feel you're in a one-sided committed relationship.  No one here would tell you to stay if you feel like that is either too much for you or you are feeling the relationship won't ever be sufficiently healthy or positive for you.

[yeethedonut]

It's possible that his reason to keep in contact with his ex is that he is keeping her on the back burner (cooking analogy) in case he wants a restart in the future, not unheard of with pwBPD.  Maybe it's innocent but...

This was triggering for me to read, honestly. By no fault of your own, of course... I've suspected this, and there was a point where he insinuated it to me. I guess it's time for me to assess my own personal feelings and my own self-worth. The first knee jerk reaction when it comes to this sensitive part of the relationship is to try and fix it by making myself more emotionally available to him, but this isn't ever going to work. I guess I have to accept that I will forever be walking on metaphorical coals with him about this, if I choose to stay. This is becoming increasingly unlikely. He's split black on me already, I believe... I fear that if I stay, I'm only going to have yet another run-in with this issue. Also... if we're being honest, he cheated on this ex for me. He had not yet broken up with her before starting a relationship with me, and then he cheated on me for her. I don't believe he would do it again, I think he has learned that moral lesson with all the emotional repercussion he got from both of us when it was discovered. However, I think it's possible that unconsciously, this is what he is doing.

[yeethedonut]

Is it a lost cause?  Hmm... that is your decision to make.  We in peer support are informative sounding boards.  Collectively, we've been there, done that.  We can point you to tools, skills and strategies that have been time-tested to work... or not work.

You're in a place of choice, one path is to continue struggling with the one huge dilemma (BPD perceptions and patterns), the other path is to exit.  This is impacted by the FOG we often are facing (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

Lift a finger to feel the wind.  Which direction is it blowing?  After 1.5 years, are things heading in the right direction?  Improving, or not?

They have improved and haven't. Up until a a couple weeks ago, I really felt like things were going to the right direction, finally. It felt like finally, we were making progress. He had started seeing a doctor, was receptive to taking mood stabilizers, and finally we were communicating properly. But it all destabilized and fell apart within that time. I think part of it is his life is destabilizing... he is having conflicts with his family, he recently had a big disappointment in his career, he's stressed about his current workload... and I suppose all this conflict isn't helping. I'm not sure what I can do to fix things, other than avoid anymore conflict with him. I feel it could be easier, in this: I have codependency issues, and because of the thing with the ex, my anxiety is absolutely through the roof about any further potential cheating in the relationship. I feel I can't leave him alone, or risk him cheating on me. I realize this is now a me issue, in that my partner hasn't given any indication of doing this and has been honest with me. My partner isn't inclined towards lying, but he does have communication and rage issues. If this is to succeed, I need to learn how to detach and not be codependent anymore. It's a vicious cycle, I think... communication would help in me getting better with the anxiety, but communication is difficult and often induces rage, which creates a massive conflict in our relationship, which creates more anxiety related to fear of infidelity because the more unhappy he is, the more perceived risk of infidelity(we are going to assume that it is perceived, to give him the benefit of the doubt). Hence, my title... is it a lost cause? It's hard to say. I feel I change my mind about it every hour.