High functioning-therapist-sibling with bpd

[Bubbles404]

My brother is pretty high functioning, at least it appears that way. He’s the CEO of a mental health agency, which I’ve been running while he purchased a restaurant/hotel (we both have our Masters in Mental Health Counseling). I often found it fascinating that he be so adamant with DBT skills as the only form of therapy our clinic provides—later I realized he experienced help in grad school from DBT counseling, thus it was “the only way”. A few years ago, he promoted me to COO, threw his hands up, purchased, and moved out of state to run a hotel/restaurant and said, “take it [mental health agency]” (while still collecting a very large check). I created a fair pay scale rather than continue to use his “I need to hire a therapist for the growing practice  so I’ll pay anything” which led to many unfair salaries. He bounced in and out of the business as he chose to (after all, he’s the CEO). Fast forward 5 years and in a company meeting he stated to me that I violated HIPAA; I went and got my HIPAA certification and advised him this was something I was very much interested in and would someday like to expand on my own. Recently, I was offered a HIPAA position at another company (non-competitive) and told him in person I would be taking the position. The first question/statement he asked was, “how much”. When I told him (it is significantly lower than what I’m paid at his company) he stone walled and started playing with his phone. I asked him, “hey, I know you’re distracting yourself, can we talk about this?” His response was “what do you want me to say? ‘Don’t leave’?”. To fill in some other blanks, he sold his house when he moved to run the hotel/restaurant, and “sold” the hotel/restaurant by leasing to own (so it’s still on his credit and is unable to buy another home without an extremely high interest rate)—he’s currently living in our guest house with his two children (via surrogate). After I said, “I just want to know we’re okay”, he said, “we’re okay” and walked to the guest house and I have yet to hear anything from him.
Today, I wrote him a long text stating that I care for him and the twins and fear losing them, as he has cut my mother (his step mother who raised him) out from his life and severed ties between her and the grandchildren, only recently with my persistence, has he let me bring them to her house to visit. The text I sent was loving but shared my feelings of love for him and my niece and nephew. His response was, “ I understand what you are saying. For me… I’ve never felt so alone or abandoned. I will work through it, I always do. I love you too. You are not going to loose anyone.”.
At this point, I’m at a loss of what or how to communicate with him. I’m definitely taking the new job, which starts in about 2.5 weeks (today is 12/12/21). After I told him, he did send several texts of, “I cant do it without you”, “I should have never had children, I’m making them miserable” and “I’m failing everyone”. Any advice, thoughts, encouragement would be great. I’m feeling a ton of guilt that the company could very well go under.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Welcome, Bubbles404 -- you've found a good group of folks who "get it". Right off the bat, I'm nodding my head at this:

My brother is pretty high functioning, at least it appears that way.

Yes. Part of BPD is that for many, the traits can intensify as the closeness of the relationship increases. So, to work colleagues, teammates, distant relations, etc, the person can present as "with it", charismatic, insightful, magnetic, artistic, warm, loving, "together"... just "an AMAZING human being". It's in the person's closer relationships (children, parents, romantic, siblings) that more of the disordered traits show up.

he experienced help in grad school from DBT counseling

I'm curious, how does he talk about this? I.e., does he seem to have insight into his own behaviors? Any moments of clarity, and/or acceptance of a diagnosis (if there's been one)? Or is there some sort of dismissal, like "Yeah of course DBT is the best for people who need it, I only took it to see what it was like for clients, I didn't really need it like they do"...

His response was “what do you want me to say? ‘Don’t leave’?”.

After I said, “I just want to know we’re okay”, he said, “we’re okay” and walked to the guest house and I have yet to hear anything from him.

His response was, “ I understand what you are saying. For me… I’ve never felt so alone or abandoned. I will work through it, I always do. I love you too. You are not going to loose anyone.”.

As weird as this may sound, I think I'm hearing more manageable, acting-in type behaviors, versus the overt lashing out/blaming/demonizing type, so that gives me some hope that there are some tools and approaches that can work in your relationship, as it transitions from coworkers back to siblings only.

Is that your experience, that he tends more towards the "I'm an awful person, I'm really down, just leave me alone for a while" type stuff, versus "you're the problem, I'm going to badmouth you and blame you to everyone, you're the devil" side?

He sounds extremely emotionally sensitive, yet also with at least some awareness:

I will work through it, I always do. I love you too. You are not going to loose anyone.

so I think there is hope here, long term.

Any advice, thoughts, encouragement would be great. I’m feeling a ton of guilt that the company could very well go under.

Fear, obligation, and guilt can be hallmarks of dysfunctional family systems. We have our "roles" that we must stay in, for the family unit to function and "present as functional", yet the price of staying in those rigid relationships is an overwhelming sense of guilt, and the reason we stay in the roles is the combination of fear and obligation. We may believe that if we change, "everything will fall apart". We may have beliefs that "they can't do it without me", or "if I don't do it, it won't get done". Let's just say I'm speaking from personal experience here 

I wonder what you'd find if you examined that belief some more -- the belief that if/when you take the new job, the company will go under. As you dig a little, do you find any beliefs/thoughts about your brother and his capabilities, about "what good family members do", about anything else?

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I want to give you kudos for your commitment to taking the new job, too! You recognized a good move for YOU, and you're taking care of yourself. This is another thing that we from dysfunctional family systems can feel guilty about -- taking care of ourselves. Yet, how can we take care of anyone else, if we can't, won't, or don't take care of the person closest to ourselves first -- namely, US?

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Bubbles404, let me know if any of this is off target; I know we "just met"  . Looking forward to hearing how things have been going for you...

kells76