the cycle has to stop.

[imtiredofthiscrp]

I have been in and out of a relationship with someone diagnosed with BPD for about a year. Like in any relationship, it is not all one person's fault. However, when things get bad, no matter how calm I stay, they explode, make threats, and speak to me in a way that no one should speak to someone.

This past week they came to visit me and things were great, they brought their cat to come stay with me while they were on a work trip for a couple weeks. They stopped in during that time to visit for a day, and it was great. We had been making plans for NYE and discussing xmas gifts. Then yesterday I woke up to paragraph longs texts berating me and tearing me down. I am not sure where it came from or why. They blocked me on everything and refused to discuss what they were mad about, and how we can move forward. I would be ok with cutting them off and working towards getting past this cycle SOMEHOW, but I still have their pet. I tried to find several solutions to getting her back to them, and all were met with resistance. The only option they wanted was to come to my house when I'm not here to get her. I'm not ok with that. I offered to meet them at the airport, share my location so they can see I'm not nearby, and only return to my car when the pet was picked up, and they'd told me they left. I also offered to send the pet back on a flight (I hate this for the pet) but I'd need money for that, and a time so I'd know when to send her. The answer to my solutions was "PLEASE READ you, keep her".

Now, I know they're not well if they're telling me to keep their kitten. I don't know what to do. I can keep her no problem, but I want to move on and not be anxious every day about this. I've tried reaching out to tell them, but they have me blocked on literally everything. I'm anxious about them showing up, I'm anxious that they'll lie and tell everyone I'm holding the pet hostage to see them, I'm pissed and sad that this is happening again. I'm pissed at myself that this is happening again. I don't know what else to do but love on this kitten until they calm down. Who knows when that will even be. Any insight on how to deal with this situation, how to stop blaming/gaslighting myself, or how to stop this cycle for good is welcome!

[Firsttimefather]

Hi there.sorry to hear what you are going through. I too am facing the dissolution of a year + bpd relationship and I still lease the apartment with my partner/ex partner. As I’d typical I suppose I am getting some attention/communication from her at about 3.5 weeks since the break up cycle. I wanna offer you a few ideas: 1.can you get to a therapist? Sooner the better. I did this the day of the split and it really put me back together whilst in the throes of ptsd. Your fight or flight is bouncing back and forth but remember there is a third option:freeze. The cat situation is tough. If you can keep the cat and it doesn’t continue to trigger you then I suggest you do your best to not see the cat as a means to bring you back together: Whether you plan on reconciling or not. I’m 3.5 weeks into hyper vigilant research. You have to go No Contact.it’s the only way in my opinion to give your head and heart a rest from it all. I responded to a call 2 days ago. It stirred up a lot. I don’t regret because I feel we needed to talk it over a bit but it took a lot of strength to talk to her and it not backfire too badly. It didn’t. I kept my cool and whatever she said I deflected and didn’t let it bother me. I also stood my ground. Nobody is allowed to abuse you. Whether be emotional, physical, doesn’t matter. It is okay to stand on your feet and represent that you are not a punching bag. I used ‘yeah, I’m not doing that’ or ‘okay, if that’s how you feel but it just simply isn’t true’ kind of statements. There are probably better but this is how I speak so it felt natural and effective. Do not keep going deep into arguments of point. Say your peace on the topic, be honest, but simple. I’m rational conversations you should be able to bring up a topic, each side say their peace and move on. I found my partner would say everything I said was a lie. I knew this wasn’t the case so I said my peace on the topic of discussion. Well my partner kept revisiting, revisiting, revisiting by throwing my defense back at me representing how absurd and untrue I was (as she saw it.) Well if everything I say is a lie then expect her not to believe you and say that to you. Just ignore it, speak your mind, your truth, don’t let emotions cloud it up and move on from the topic. Anyway I wish you best. Though this disorder has its criteria and behavior traits that make it all seem like we all live the same story, I believe still every situation has its differences. Maybe the things I mentioned don’t apply but maybe it can be of some help. Best of luck

[imtiredofthiscrp]

@FirstTimeFather

Thank you for the reply. I'm so tired. Every time we break up I tell myself its the last time. That I wont let them do this to me again, then I jump back in. I'm fine keeping the kitten, I'm just living in anxiety about when they're going to pop up and yell at me that they want her back. They can have her, I just want it to be over and I cant contact them do resolve this.

I know they aren't a trash person, they're sick, like many of us in our own ways, and that empathy is part of what keeps bringing me back. I trust the "i love you" and block out the "i hate you". I feel like I'm going crazy every time they twist my words or bring up something that was resolved a year ago. I have therapy scheduled for Monday, I've gone back into this relationship then sworn it off so many times I dont even want to tell my therapist the truth anymore. I'm ashamed. I've lost who I am in all of this, and yet, I still want to talk to them and believe they'll be different.

I saw your thread above mine and read the "she apologized for lying to 911 but believes she's justified" and omg that. I remember last summer they took a bat to my window then called the police to tell them that I wouldnt give them their things. My keys were locked in the car... I was literally standing on the sidewalk with my hands on my head saying "what the PLEASE READ" bcs i COULDNT give them their things. We recently discussed this incident and they barely remembered (or pretended not to) and still said they felt it was justified.