Emotional Abuse

[jmbl]

Hello all,

Recently I did some simple googling of emotional abuse. Silly as it sounds, but I have not recognised what I have been experiencing over the past few months. I feel trapped, worthless, confused, and riddled with self-doubt.

About 5 weeks ago, I gave CPR to my partner after a suicide attempt (intentional overdose). This was preceding by him getting into an accident (under the influence). Since then, we had 4 Mondays in a row of out-of-control emotions from him, including silent treatments, calling names, yelling, blocking. Two Mondays ago, I phoned the police because he was threatening suicide to myself and others (via text) and threatening me with physical violence. I did not feel safe. About a week after being apprehended and spending 3 nights at the hospital (no treatment at all, just holding until he returns to baseline...), he again went off the rails and spewed so much hatred towards myself and his ex-wife. I removed myself from the house for the day (again, not feeling safe), and her and I came up with a safety plan for SD (6) (*note* these are not the first times I've felt unsafe, just the first time I have intervened). I told him he had to decide if he had the capacity to continue living with me (scared to tell him that I do not think I can live with him). Unknowingly, ex-wife told him she was filing for full-custody because of his continued instability. Within two days, he became insightful to his behaviour and was once again pleasant. I didn't trust it, but went with it for some much needed peace and quiet. He re-registered for counselling. We even went out for lunch and to the ski hill and had a really pleasant day.

Today, while at work, he texted me only to complain about me, then proceeded to tell me I looked like I was in a 'pissy mood' at 930 pm when I got home. When I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling he cut me off, told me he didn't care and that he was going to sleep. I cried and he said that I'm 'looking for a fight, but nobody's fighting with me and [he's] not upset at all at me.' He doesn't want to participate in anything or doing anything together unless SD is here (he says he is 'forced to fake' then). I am so incredibly anxious about Christmas because SD is with her mom and I feel like I am going to be stuck with somebody who wants to do nothing but pout, complain, and isolate themselves/me. The alternative for Christmas is to spend it with my closest friends - he has already told me he does not want to go (says 'have fun without me I guess') and so I feel like if I go I will be abandoning him on a holiday that (to me) signifies family togetherness.

I knew his kindness wouldn't last, but it has made me incredibly confused. Maybe everything was blown out of proportion? Maybe I am projecting my insecurities?... What if I am assessing my/his/our life incorrectly? Deep down I know this is not true, but they're constant questions in my head. I want to leave but I feel such an incredible weight of guilt for leaving him and shame for my relationship failing (*note* the majority of furniture is mine; he got into an accident right before his suicide attempt and had his car/license apprehended for 3 months and we don't live in walking distance to many things; he is finishing his schooling currently and not working). The idea of leaving him makes me feel like I am branding a whole population of people, and that I am giving up on the goodness inside of him. I try to remind myself that his behaviour is taking my own goodness away and that this is not what I signed up for, but it doesn't seem to work. After multiple years together (living separately), he never displayed this level of emotional instability. Side note, I *have* set up times this week to view 4 different places for myself to move into, so I think that will give me a bit of confidence and direction. I think this is a good baby step.

So I guess I have some questions:

1) If you've left your partner, how did you work up the courage and how did you go about it? Did you tell them or did you leave without them knowing?
2) How do you decipher between a person's BPD and abusive behaviour? Does it even matter?
3) I want to be with my spouse, and I don't want to leave him, but I have no idea and no control over his dysregulation. Are healthy relationships even possible?

Thanks all for letting me spew my feelings here at midnight from my couch.

[ForeverDad]

Like everything else in life, it's all a matter of degrees.  There are an infinite number of degrees between "healthy" and "unhealthy".  Your partner does have, when motivated or pressed, moments of clarity but they're seldom and don't last, his baseline is clearly on the unhealthy side.  Unhealthy for him but also unhealthy for those around him.

This reminds me of The Bridge analogy.  Follow the link.  It sounds like that is the choice facing you.

There are a myriad other illustrations.  One that comes to mind is of someone 'falling' overboard, screaming for help, you jump in to rescue the person but then the person 'falls' in all over again.  How many times do you rescue?

With his drug abuse and recent suicide attempt, it's no wonder his child's mother filed to get full custody.  He is in no shape to have parenting responsibility.  Perhaps visits, probably very limited or even supervised.

I'm unclear whether you have to be the one to move out, either it's rented or he's the owner?

[jmbl]

Hi ForeverDad,

Thanks for the reply. The story hits the nail on the head… the ominous, distressful head. I have the opportunity to move into my own place that’s in between two of my closest friends, but I can’t bring myself to talk with him about it out of fear of his reaction - both fear of my own emotional safety and what he will feel about himself.

I would prefer to move out of our rented home. I could not afford the rent, and would prefer to live close to my friends if I were living on my own.

I agree that his baseline is much less healthy than I knew. How come he was able to present so differently before living together? Prior to living together, we spent the majority of our free time together, however I’m seeing how much or a difference the space did make.

Part of me feels like I’m leaving just when he’s beginning to have more clarity, but maybe I’m just telling myself he has more clarity? Is there anyway to determine that he will return to his old self, or do I accept his more recent behaviours as his baseline?

[ForeverDad]

Then avoid the worst of the move event... in the background make preparations - in full privacy mode and confidentially.  On a day you're sure he'll be gone, do the move.  If possible have some trusted friends (not mutual friends that are also friends with him) with you just in case there is an encounter.

Only afterward inform him you're moving.  Present him with a completed event.  Yes, it seems not "fair" to inform him beforehand that the relationship is over but it is much, much less stressful this way.  And much safer.

Then go silent, like a submarine.  He doesn't need to know where you've moved.  After all, it is over.  It is a decision that won't be undone.  No need for meets to hash over the whys and why nots.  You know it wouldn't be productive.  In fact, it would enable him to do extinction bursts that now he's suicidal again, using love as a weapon, etc.

[jmbl]

The conflicting part is that he has seemingly to his baseline, from months ago. I have not seen this level-headed person for many months. This is the person I have dated for the better part of 2.5 years (it was only 8 months ago that his behaviour became troubling, when we moved in together). So, I was faced with a decision which, in all honesty, had a clear answer: move out and protect yourself. Now that he is his normal, healthy self, it's like my brain has had a line of division drawn in it. He has insight, is able to talk calmly with me about what has gone on and how it has affected him and myself. I asked him if he thinks there will be a reoccurrence of the past few months, he said "honestly, I have no idea. It wasn't supposed to happen this time. I don't want it to happen again."

BPD truly is the guise of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I cannot now imagine this calm man behaving so erratically, violently, and impulsively. With a calm, happy household, with genuine connection, how do I now decide to pull the plug? Do I wait and hope that nothing as extreme happens again, or is the damage done? Do I wait until it does happen again, create a safety plan and leave on the fly if *when* it happens again?

Sorry I know this is a bit of a rant. It is just so confusing and frustrating. It feels impossible to know what the right thing to do is, and I find that I feel change exhaustion (new job, moved twice, studying) that I cannot handle any more change at the moment. I am also feeling so exhausted from the emotional trauma that thinking of moving, and knowing the high probability of emotional backlash I will endure, is terrifying.

[I Am Redeemed]

What actions is he taking to ensure it doesn't happen again? Substance abuse, suicide attempts, and abusive behavior do not simply disappear on their own.

Not all people with BPD are abusive and not all people who are abusive have BPD. Having a PD can exacerbate abusive tendencies, but they are separate issues, as is substance abuse. Without professional help, these issues will resurface and may even escalate.

If you decide to stay, you absolutely need a safety plan. I would also suggest contacting a local domestic violence resource for support, whether you decide to move out or continue living with him.

Waiting and hoping nothing as extreme happens again is not a good strategy. Better to form a safety plan and not need it than to do nothing and find yourself in danger without a plan later.

Safety First

[Turkish]

It may be hard for you to see to see this now, but it isn't being blown out of proportion. I've taken CPR/ First aid every year for 29 years for my job and the success rate, at least when compressions start,  is low. You saved his life. Many members here have been through this (attempted suicide). I kind of went through it, ideation and a borderline kind of suicide note, when my ex was pregnant with now D9. It scared the crap out of me and I almost called EMS.

2) How do you decipher between a person's BPD and abusive behaviour? Does it even matter?

It doesn't matter, and this question, or a variation of it, is one most members here have asked of themselves, including myself with both my ex and later my mom.

This isn't a lost cause, and no one here should encourage you to just leave. Yet you need to be safe, so please take a look at what I Am Redeemed posted, and take a look here as well:

3.03 | Domestic violence  [women]

Please keep us updated!

Turkish

[jmbl]

Thank you for the replies and support.

Deep down, I know what has happened is a big deal and I feel scarred by it. It shocks me how hard it is to pull away. It’s like each time I’m set in my mind, he somehow convinces me to stay (I don’t speak to him about leaving).

All of a sudden, it feels like he is dependent on me and I think this is contributing to the guilt/fear I feel about leaving. He crashed his car, lost his license (like… 10 mins before his suicide attempt), does not have adequate ways to get around (he does bus though). He no longer is financially stable, this is not how things were when we started dating. The house is furnished with items I have purchased, and he (and step daughter) will not have many items if I leave. This discomfort will be felt. He is not contributing to household chores very much, but he tells me he is trying and he is grateful for what I do around the house. Nonetheless, I feel I am paying more for things than I ever had and cleaning more than ever and it’s frustrating (I am an organized, tidy, well budgeted person and it’s actually overwhelming me to have these boundaries crossed). I can’t speak to him about this for fear that he will react negatively. I feel that if I leave, his subsequent reaction will risk him losing custody of his daughter and flunking out of his practicum when he only has 2 months left.

I have begun to text myself negative things that he says so I don’t forget.

This isn't a lost cause, and no one here should encourage you to just leave. Yet you need to be safe, so please take a look at what I Am Redeemed posted.

Do you mind posting the link to what they’ve posted? I am interested in reading it.

[Cat Familiar]

Turkish was referring to I am Redeemed’s post just above his on your thread.

Like Redeemed noted, these behaviors don’t go away on their own. You’re experiencing a calm phase at the moment and therefore you don’t have the feeling of impending doom as you did previously.

These relationships are not polarized, though often our BPD partners see things through the lens of all good/all bad. When they’re kind and loving, they can be such enthusiastic and supportive people, but as you’ve experienced, there is quite a different side to them at other times. The wonderful side is what we fell in love with, and we were shocked to find out they could be so cruel and out of control.

The important thing for you is to keep the big picture in mind. What you’ve seen is this is who he is and these troublesome behaviors have a high likelihood of repeating in the future.

No relationship ends without some collateral damage. You can minimize it and leave when things are calm; you can leave in a crisis; or you can stay and hope for the best.

[I Am Redeemed]

Do you mind posting the link to what they’ve posted? I am interested in reading it.

You can click on the link I posted, just above Turkish and Cat Familiar's replies. It's information about making a safety plan. You can also contact thehotline.org and speak to a trained domestic violence advocate by phone or chat. They can also give you information about making a safety plan.

[Turkish]

Hi jmbl,

Click on the green colored texts. Those are hyperlinks to the web pages. The safety plan is a pdf text file.

T

[Turkish]

Some simple questions are hard to answer.  I was thinking yesterday that I'm not sure I know what domestic violence is.  It's come up recently from a few members and I thought it might be helpful to talk about what it is and what it isn't in a general sense... .and what to do.

This was published on one public service site:

MYTH: Domestic violence is a "loss of control."
FACT: Violent behavior is a choice. Perpetrators use it to control their victims. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing their control.  Their actions are very deliberate.

MYTH: The victim is responsible for the violence because she provokes it.
FACT: No one asks to be abused. And no one deserves to be abused regardless of what they say or do.

MYTH: If the victim didn't like it, she would leave.
FACT: Victims do not like the abuse. They stay in the relationship for many reasons, including fear. Most do eventually leave.

MYTH: Batterers are violent in all their relationships
FACT: Batterers choose to be violent toward their partners in ways they would never consider treating other people.

Click on the green quote link at the top to see whole the discussion.

[jmbl]

Turkish was referring to I am Redeemed’s post just above his on your thread.

D'oh! I work night shifts, sometimes my brain misses things! 

When they’re kind and loving, they can be such enthusiastic and supportive people, but as you’ve experienced, there is quite a different side to them at other times. The wonderful side is what we fell in love with, and we were shocked to find out they could be so cruel and out of control.

What I have been noticing more lately is that even during his kind phase, there are still some condescending comments made. I'm beginning to pay more attention to when they're said, how they're said, and the effect they has on me. For example, I was questioning a gift I put together for a friend, whether or not it was too much. He told me that deep down I am cheap - this is not true, and I wonder the intent behind making this comment. Is it to cut down my confidence? Because that is what it felt like. However, my new coping skill is to text these kind of comments to myself, which allows me to reflect on the situation and remember it.

What actions is he taking to ensure it doesn't happen again? Substance abuse, suicide attempts, and abusive behavior do not simply disappear on their own.

He returned to his previous counsellor for an appointment, but felt he needed somebody with more knowledge considering the severity of what has gone on. Based on what he told me, I felt it was valid. He actually works in counselling himself and has been trying to connect with his supervisor for assistance in finding someone who may suit him better. His supervisor is aware of *some* of what has gone on and that he has BPD, amongst other details in his life. His supervisor and him have a great relationship, so I do hope they can connect soon, however with the holidays their schedules have been different. I trust that he wants to talk to her, and he continues to reflect on what has happened with insight and empathy towards me. Part of me feels though that it is too little too late and I don't trust that these events will not happen again in months/years time, to which he says "I can't say whether or not they will." Aside from seeking a new counsellor, what other supports/interventions can be put in place?

If you decide to stay, you absolutely need a safety plan. I would also suggest contacting a local domestic violence resource for support, whether you decide to move out or continue living with him.

I have looked at a rental in another part of town, off the beaten track, close to amenities, friends, and outdoor space. The landlords will be sending me the lease this weekend. I still feel on the fence. This rental does not come available until mid-late February, so it does give me time to really evaluate and reflect on our situation, his behaviour, and how I feel. With a later move in date, I feel secure in that if s**t hits the fan, I can take leave to a friends house and have it be a temporary in-between before moving in. I feel this is the right step in the direction of a safety plan and regaining control of my life and freedom.

[Cat Familiar]

I think getting your own place is an excellent idea! 
It gives you a safe space to reflect upon the relationship.

He’s being honest that he doesn’t know if these behaviors will occur in the future. How do you feel about knowing that?

You ask what other supports/interventions can be put in place beyond finding a new counselor. I think you are doing just that by finding your own place. If he’s willing to work on his issues, you can resume living together at some point. For now, it seems that he is still treating you with some level of contempt, judging by the condescending comments he makes. You don’t want to *normalize* this behavior, and it certainly can lead to worse.

[jmbl]

Update: This morning I signed the lease. Move in date is February 15, gives me ample time to plan smoothly. At first I felt heart broken, like my heart dropped into my stomach. It didn’t last long and I was left with a feeling of relief, autonomy, and freedom. Yes, it’s sad that I am choosing not to be with a person, but it’s not okay for anyone, no matter what, to treat another with contempt, dependency, and malice.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it’s sad that I am choosing not to be with a person, but it’s not okay for anyone, no matter what, to treat another with contempt, dependency, and malice.

 

You will have some grieving to do, but at the same time, this move will give you breathing room and from that perspective you can decide what role he will have in your life.

Letting go of the dream of living together and being a family doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship.

And you are so right that it’s never right to treat another with contempt, dependency, and malice.