How to make her want me sexually again?

[ThatConfusedGuy]

*Update* For all those saying "run", I get it. We both agreed to not just give this a try, but to fix it.  If she leaves or cheats again, I will be 100% done. I do want to give it my all though so, please give advice on this below.

OK guys, I need some advice. Quick back brief, my then fiancé and I was living together. We were together for 5 years (3 long distance and 2 living together). She left me, came back, found her cheating, and left me again.  She pushed me away. We ended up living in the same apartment complex. I saw her and her friend with benefits and they laughed about the cheating when confronted. My ex came over and begged me back when she saw my Tinder profile. A week later she was done with me again and told the therapist (she went with me) that she "didn't see a future with me." So, we split again. About 2 weeks later she was hooking up with her friend with benefits. Then a week ago she came back on my birthday and begged me back. She promised to give him up completely. She sent him a message which I saw saying she wanted a future with me. That they could no longer talk. She promised to block him on all the apps by the end of the night. Its a week later. She still has not messaged him but she refused to block him. Also, she does not want me sexually. We are going to the therapist on the 3rd. We fought over it Christmas Eve when she refused me. I did get her going on Christmas and we had sex, but I know she don't want me like that. He could just message her and she would invite him over. How do I fix this? How do I make her want me? How do I get her to discard him completely? She promised me but won't know...it really bothers me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I would encourage you to realize that sexual desire is not something you can "make" happen. 

There is a potential that if you "nurture" it without hurrying it...it may return on a consistent basis.

So...what has she committed to do that is different from the last recycles? 

Are you suggesting that had she NOT seen your tinder profile that you would not be back together?

Best,

FF

[ThatConfusedGuy]

She let me go a week after the Tinder profile. That was a reason she came back. Then she ditched me a week later.

What is different?  She told that guy she could no longer talk to him. She did not block his as promised though. She had zex with him a week before coming back to me. My fear is when she gets bored she will go right back to him. Another thing that is different is she does seem to be trying. Talking to me regularly,  going places with me, took me to see her family again, and will be going to therapy with me in a week when my therapist is back.

[formflier]

So...how many recycles has this been?

Going to therapy together is a good thing, as long as you use the time productively.

Many people seem scared to bring up hard topics...for fear that the pwBPD will run away and never come back (a valid fear by the way).

I would suggest you  find out sooner rather than later how serious she is about therapy and staying away from the other guy.

Probably good to ask during the therapy session for help understanding her abrogation of the promise to block him. 

What do you think she would say?

Best,

FF

[ThatConfusedGuy]

Recycles...around 3 big ones (not counting little ones).

Yes,  I need to know. I want him 100% gone. She says she knows he must go but sees no need as she told him they won't be talking. It certainly is something that will be brought up at the therapist.

Why can he ask her what color her panties are and get nudes, but she won't tell me her panty color? This also worries me. She said she will work on this and I plan on mentioning this at the therapist.

She likes to cuddle and feel safe with me. She likes to be dirty and sexual with him. I don't get that. She use to be that way with me too. I don't understand that change. Do you get it?

[ILMBPDC]

I would encourage you to realize that sexual desire is not something you can "make" happen. 

I second this. You cannot "make" someone want you. As a woman who has had more than my share of crappy relationships, I can tell you that if I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend anymore, it takes a LOT to gain that trust back for me to want to go to bed with him again. 95% of the time, its the beginning of the end. All you can really do is try to be empathetic, sympathetic, caring and sincere and she may start to see you in that way again. Of course, I don't have BPD and I don't know what your girlfriend's reasoning is so this may be moot.

[ThatConfusedGuy]

She had no problem having sex with her friend... the guy she cheated on me with. I never broke the trust... she did.

[formflier]

Yes,  I need to know. I want him 100% gone.  

Then require this.

"Hey babe...if you are ready to let this other guy go (blocking/no communication/no contact) then I would feel safe trying to rebuild trust in our relationship.  If not then I wish you well and will pursue a relationship that is safe for me."

No need to wait until therapy or anything like that.

Respect her decision either way.  Respect and "liking" a decision are not the same thing.

Respect would mean that if she really wants 2 or more guys in her life..or at least available as needed...you realize that is a valid choice for her and not a valid choice for you.  So..you do you and go about living your life with people that share your values...on a very fundamental level.

Here is the thing about "requirements"...if you are not willing to risk the end of the relationship to "get" or "protect" those requirements...then they are not requirements...they are "what you have chosen to settle for".

Last:  I'm not endorsing or tearing down your requirements, they are obviously fine for you and you are worth living a life and having relationships that are true to your values.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

She had no problem having sex with her friend... the guy she cheated on me with. I never broke the trust... she did.

So...the hurt over this is palpable in your thread.  I'm she did this.

That being said, it's not helpful either way for you to have "axioms" that may or may not be true.

You simply can't know how she "felt" or if she had a "problem" or any of that. 

Best,

FF

[Kaufmann]

I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation, and it is utter hell.

In my situation, it became clear after a while that she only wanted me when she thought she couldn't really have me. Once I forced myself to move on, she sensed it, and she came on strong. That's the paradox of these relationships: when you want them, they don't want you, and the only way to get what you want is to stop wanting it.

Take care of yourself and realize that you deserve love and happiness. You deserve better.