Ex Ghosted After Death Of Loved One & Holidays.

[Mergirl]

I'll keep this short as I can.

My BPD ex and I met around christmas time a few years back.

We havent been together for the last couple but she usually still at the very least sends a text the last couple years because it was kind of a sentimental day for us or, so I thought.

We are off and on again a lot as far as talking or not. I go NC for weeks or even months because I still have feelings and it becomes to hurtful for me. Last time I went NC over the summer, she had moved away (far) and kind of broke some promises about abandoning me here. Whether we were dating or not. She was saying such cruel things and kept ghosting and triangulating with her new one. I couldn't take the pain or abuse anymore. I still have very deep feelings and attraction for her.

We never officially got back together but it was a long long time of her pushing and pulling.

After she moved away this summer, she said some very hurtful things in her anger and under the influence that caused me to vow never to speak to her again. Things that destroyed any remaining self worth I had left. Like , I dont love you, dont want to be with you in that way, not attracted to you etc. These things have been said before but then when i would be around i was treated more like a romantic partner than anything else.

Anyway, after that i ignored all texts and calls from her for months. But it was hell. I missed her and talking tp her amd i didnt want to. But i didnt want to be her "friend" and hear about her new life in a different place, her new romantic partners  etc. She never seems to take my feelings into consideration at all. Not once.

She kept trying to contact me every once in a while randomly and I kept ignoring. Most of the time tho she wouldnt bother leave a text a voicemail. So i just assumed it was the same as when she lived here. She only called me when she needed help or support or needed to talk to someone who would listen and understand. But rarely it was because she wanted me or was thinking of me. Sometimes she would say she missed me but its been many many months now since she has said anything close to something like that. It was like she was trying to force me to be her friend and buddy even tho I told her i couldnt. Even tho she went and started this new life somewhere else. She didnt reach out a lot when i ignored but it was usually was just one call a month to see if i was ok. But never did she say she was worried about me that i wasnt answering for months or that she missed me etc. Sometimes she said things to lead me to believe that she may have been feeling like that but nothing solid.

A few days after thanksgiving, she called late one night. I was weak, i had been ignoring her attempts to contact for 4 months and i missed her and i didnt know when or if she would try again if i ignored her again.

No romantic pronouncements of course. Regular talk with us has always been easy unless she was raging or having an episode or felt like hurting me.

But then it seemed to open the door again and she called a couple more times after that.

Then, the first week of december, my only sibling took her own life. Yes, I am mourning, greiving and still in shock.

I knew this subject was very triggering for my ex who has been trying to get therapy and who had made several serious attempts on her life starting before we ever met but i was a witness to many of them and saved her a few times. Literally saved her life. Both while we were dating and the period after that. For a long time. Many many instances.

Now, since she moved away sounds like she is really trying to get help and change all of that. I told her about my sister because it was obvious to her when i answered just a couple days later that something was very wrong. I was crying and I usually dont even talk to her about all my struggles because I always let everything be qbout her and her problems. To be honest, i never sought comfort or understanding from her. I tried but the few times I tried it was clear that she could not or would not provide comfort. BUT, she seems to be able to to fo that for literally EVERYONE else in her life no matter how big or triggering their issues are. Her best friend, her other friends, her family. But when i have wanted comofrt and support or just even talk about my problems at times i was strongly shut down by her. At times in the most cruel way. WHY?I always gave her care and support but knew she couldnt give it. But this was so shocking and so bad tjat i was hoping that maybe she cpuld at least comfort me. Tho i know how triggering it must be for her.

She tried that during that convo about my sister i think but she hasnt called back since. Not even a text to ask if i am ok? She knows i dont have many people in my life right now and barely have any family to help me to deal with my sisters thingss she left me to deal with and no one at all to talk to her provide comfort. SHE KNOWS THIS. Infact, it was one of the reasons we spent that first christmas together as a 2nd date. Both of us didnt have families to spend it with.

So, here I am. Alone. And so very disappionted and hurt, grieving, desvestated, in shock. My sister is GONE and in the most disturbing of ways. I mean, she must know I AM NOT OK.

I thought she would at the very least send a christmas text knowing what im going through alone. And it has been almost 4 weeks since i told her about the sudden death of someone very very close to me and not a single word or peep from her? PLEASE, I am begging, can someone with or without BPD please offer some insight as to WHY? Please. Maybe ir will hurt less. Or hurt more. If I can just understand. I dreamt of having her in my life again. Of seeing her again maybe. Wr never got to say goodbye before she moved because her behavior was so irrattic and it was worse towards me. Put of everyone and she of course used that t[ projdct on to me tjat everything was my fault, that i did things to her that she actually did to me, that was a horrible person and pathetic because I was still attracted to her and had feelings.

I cant say she was uncaring or unsympathetic when i told her that last time on the phone about my sister. She cried with me. And then took the opportunity to assure me she didnt mean to just abandon me here alone when she moved knowing how i didnt have anywhere to live and didnt wantt to stay here. She even mentioned how patient i was with her here while she was treating me so horribly. Something she never mentioned before and what was starting to sound a little bit like remorse. But of course not offering to make amy of it ok or right. But i was so caught up in my sisters death that all of that took a big back seat. I was in shock and crying. She had promised me tp get me out of here once she was settled. A promise that was quickly forgotten i guess.

She said she cares me so much and wish she could be here to hold me to comfort me (?) Confusing because this same person told me she didnt want me in that way. And I know she wouldnt come here just to hold me. It  hurt more that she said it knowing it wasnt going to happen. I guess some would say that was on purpose too. I wish more than anything she cared enough about me to jump on a plane here just to hold me and comfort me. But I know it would never happen.at least not to me. I'm sure she would do it for one of her other orbitors here though. She always seems to care much more for them and otjere than me. 

But, she couldnt send me a text today at least? Christmas? The day we started dating? Knowing its only been weeks since ny sister has died and I am here living in a hotel all alone (no housing anywhere) I feel like I ruined maybe a 2nd chance by telling her my sibling took her life, which sounds completely ridiculous. She also made sure to mention everyone she knows is struggling horribly and of course bringing up the girl she ghosted me for last year that she is "back in psych," again where they met last year. I mean, i could have gone the rest of my life without hearing her name and I dont care in the least. This girl pursued my ex knowing she was still talking to me.

Well, guess who got ghosted for her last year?

I just cant believe not even a text at least today.

So i guess she will never speak to me again. All because my sister is dead and its tpp triggering for her.

Please, can anyone provide any insight. Please? More too it of course but this is the basic situation.

I'm so hurt. How could she not check on me? She must have told herself never to talk to me again after that last convo.

Infact, she hung up at first and said she needed some time to process rjat i just told.her my sister died (she has a sister she is estranged from and lovez dearly as well)

She called back an hour later after taking her anxiety meds and I found myself profusely apologizing tonher for making her cry and telling her my sister is dead? I said i should have known it was triggering and should.not have said anything. But how the hell could i have not?

But again, how could I not have said? When i answered I was crying she could hear and she said “what's wrong"?

After she hung up and called back she said “I'm sorry. But I have been suicidal myself and been doing intense therapy. I'm trying with all my might to stay on this planet myself right now"

Ok, i understand. I do. But now she knows. Someone who says they care so much but she never ever wpuld show it. Couldnt she still send a text asking if i am ok? Or at least saying she cant be there for me right now? Or merry christmas like she normally would?

This is it? She will never speak to me again because this tragedy is too much for “her"?

I didnt need this too. I was already heartbroken. And just this year i lost her, she moved away, broke my heart when she started dating someone else, i slept in my car all summer because theres no affordable housing and im disabled with autoimmune stuff. 2 of my aunts died and i have no family left really except for my dad and he is losing his mind, my emotional support dog died and now my sister. And i am completely alone. And she knows all of it.

Please. Like i said.. if you have bpd, or dont i need insight. As much as i can get. I need to know why. Its almost midnight. It is clear i am not getting my merry christmas text. Or any other from her. Shes probably also busy with someone else.. We didnt even get to know each other while dating necause the pandemic.happened rigjt at the beginning. But she did abuse me. Hard. But i feel like shes never doing that with anyone else. WHY?


Thank you.

Mergirl
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[thankful person]

Hi Mergirl,
I am so sorry to hear about your sister, and that your ex has not been in touch today. I can’t explain her behaviour, though I am familiar with it. My wife has bpd, which I understand is an emotional disability making it difficult for her to relate to others…however she still seems quite capable of giving others love and sympathy whilst just telling me, “DEAL WITH IT THEN..” if I ever need her support. Her friends often seek support from her and she happily gives it to them and tells me what she has messaged them. My father attempted suicide a few years ago and thankfully he survived it, but my wife was not supportive at the time, and became busy doing a 24 hour livestream and telling me not to cry in case her fans heard it. I wish you all the best and I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you.

[babyducks]

Mergirl,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.    you've experienced a lot of loss and grief and I know that's profoundly difficult.   please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

I remember you from when you were posting here in the summer of 2020.   I remember the relationship you had with your Ex then.     it was an unhealthy relationship then.    from what you describe there has not been any improvements.

it would seem to me you are at a cross roads.    you can continue to focus on her.  you can continue to look for answers and solutions and comfort in what she says or does.    and the flip side of that coin is that you will continue to be hurt by what she doesn't say or doesn't do.

so you can continue to look to her, or you can bravely turn all your healing, supporting and caring energy onto yourself.

looking towards someone who is herself very badly ill to heal and support you isn't working for you.   while I know it won't be easy, I am sure you can start to rebuild your life.    You've gotten through tough times.    You can do this.

But she did abuse me. Hard. But i feel like shes never doing that with anyone else. WHY?

Mergirl, I feel your pain.   I honestly do.    Still.    The only answer I can offer is she abuses you because you give her that power.     I think you know that.    at some very basic level you know that the power you give her to comfort you, help you, care about you is too much.    and that she isn't capable of meeting it.     

I think the people on this board can help.   I think there are others who can help that are closer to you.     It would involve reaching out regularly and doing the hard emotional work of healing yourself.   of growing in loving and caring for yourself.    of taking a searching and fearless personal inventory and finding what you can do to improve things for you.     perhaps that is making a deliberate effort to cultivate and grow other more healthy relationships.   perhaps that is making a year long commitment to finding more stable and secure housing.

I know this isn't an appealing idea.    it sounds like hard miserable work because much of it is.    sadly the only one who can make things better for you is you.   

your sister should be grieved for, for the loss of a precious life.    the pain of her loss is bound to trigger the pain of other losses for you.    are their grief counselors available to you?  perhaps a member of the clergy?   is there a way to find a healthy person to share your loss with?   whoever that person might be?

I will stop here and look for your response.   please be kind and gentle with yourself.    you deserve that.

'ducks