Hello, in need of some help

[Tired Llama]

hello everyone!

A little about me, like a lot of others here I'm no longer who I once was, I no longer see friends, family, I spend no time on my hobbies, my business is now struggling, I'm exhausted, and I have no patience for anything anymore. I used to the most relaxed person who could put up with anything, friendly and helpful to anyone, always down to do whatever/go wherever at a moments notice, never struggling with money, not only could handle, but enjoyed handling anything life would throw at me like it was nothing (and it sure seems to enjoy challenging me). Now I'm tired, grumpy, and feel like (because I basically am now) a single dad raising two kids on my own, while living with a lazy useless mentally unstable roommate. Anyway, I've been lurking on this site for a few months now trying to learn as much as I can. I don't think its even possible to describe how great it feels that this forum exists and that I found it. Until stumbling across this forum everything I could find about BPD has been useless, every website is just a copy of each other and tells nothing except to coddle them and validate without explaining how.

 My gf (I've been with her 5 years, lived together 3-4, she has two young children 6 and 10) was diagnosed with bpd (she seems to show a bunch of npd traits as well, but not diagnosed with it) years before I met her, she basically chose to just ignore she has it and not believe the therapist. She does go to therapy somewhat regularly for anxiety and depression but like others with bpd once the therapist starts to challenge her (or maybe they start to realize she has bpd) they're useless and have no idea what they're doing etc. This past year (things have been getting much worse, like she is always enraged and never in a calm or happy state) she finally has started to admit she has bpd and even gave me the books she had on it, and of course if she sees me reading them (or any of the many books I've recently bought) it sends her into a rage.

I've been reading and rereading the tools on this forum as well as started to read the recommended books, but I can't seem to figure out how to regularly communicate with her, handling her when she's screaming at me blaming me for every trivial thing in life I've been doing well (thanks to this site) and now only lasts about a min or less before she just loses steam and gives up, but she keeps getting upset that I don't regularly communicate with her or spend quality time with her, and this has been an ongoing thing for years and is something I do feel the need to improve.

One of the problems is she hates small talk, I do as well but I know its pretty much impossible to avoid, it starts the conversation most times, most things everyone does day to day are small talk type activities, it helps gauge peoples moods and how we should steer the conversation etc. I don't like small talk but its useful and a great tool to get the conversation going. however if I try to ask her about her day or something she likes she starts getting upset, if we're watching a tv show/movie (I almost never watch tv or movies so its always something she likes and I know nothing about or am not caught up)and I try to discuss it or ask about it she feels like she's getting questioned or just gets upset and the rage starts.

 If I talk about my day (or anything really) she listens for a couple seconds then just starts talking as if I never said a thing. I can continue to talk and even make remarks right to her in the moment about her doing it and she doesn't even hear a word I'm saying. In the past I've brought it up and asked her why should I bother talking if she's not willing to listen anyway? Never goes well but I'm sure that's not a surprise to anyone here .

The only talk she likes is deep emotional conversations about our future together, I understand it probably helps with the fear of abandonment, but how can I talk about the same exact thing for hours at a time everyday for years? At this point its exhausting and boring to me, feel like I'm beating a dead horse, every little detail has basically been talked about a million times. The only thing in my mind that's going to change about our envisioned future together is her not being part of it if things keep going the way they are.

The quality time issue is also part of the communication thing, I can spend every second with her, but unless we are having a deep emotional conversation about the exact thing she wants to talk about at the exact time she wants to, and without her bringing it up, (you know, because I can read minds apparently) it doesn't count as spending time with her. I might as well be doing anything else. Which is what I have been starting to do, at least when she's screaming at me about not spending time with her its actually true.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, any thoughts/insights/help/advice/whatever is much appreciated, Its probably something simple I've overlooked or something but I've burnt myself out trying to figure this out on my own for the past few years, and even if I'm helpless with this topic that's ok, I'm glad to have found this place, its already been a huge help with the other stuff, and I'm sure it will continue to be a huge help in my quest to reclaim myself 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MobyCloud]

hello everyone!

A little about me, like a lot of others here I'm no longer who I once was, I no longer see friends, family, I spend no time on my hobbies, my business is now struggling, I'm exhausted, and I have no patience for anything anymore. I used to the most relaxed person who could put up with anything, friendly and helpful to anyone, always down to do whatever/go wherever at a moments notice, never struggling with money, not only could handle, but enjoyed handling anything life would throw at me like it was nothing (and it sure seems to enjoy challenging me). Now I'm tired, grumpy, and feel like (because I basically am now) a single dad raising two kids on my own, while living with a lazy useless mentally unstable roommate. Anyway, I've been lurking on this site for a few months now trying to learn as much as I can. I don't think its even possible to describe how great it feels that this forum exists and that I found it. Until stumbling across this forum everything I could find about BPD has been useless, every website is just a copy of each other and tells nothing except to coddle them and validate without explaining how.

 My gf (I've been with her 5 years, lived together 3-4, she has two young children 6 and 10) was diagnosed with bpd (she seems to show a bunch of npd traits as well, but not diagnosed with it) years before I met her, she basically chose to just ignore she has it and not believe the therapist. She does go to therapy somewhat regularly for anxiety and depression but like others with bpd once the therapist starts to challenge her (or maybe they start to realize she has bpd) they're useless and have no idea what they're doing etc. This past year (things have been getting much worse, like she is always enraged and never in a calm or happy state) she finally has started to admit she has bpd and even gave me the books she had on it, and of course if she sees me reading them (or any of the many books I've recently bought) it sends her into a rage.

I've been reading and rereading the tools on this forum as well as started to read the recommended books, but I can't seem to figure out how to regularly communicate with her, handling her when she's screaming at me blaming me for every trivial thing in life I've been doing well (thanks to this site) and now only lasts about a min or less before she just loses steam and gives up, but she keeps getting upset that I don't regularly communicate with her or spend quality time with her, and this has been an ongoing thing for years and is something I do feel the need to improve.

One of the problems is she hates small talk, I do as well but I know its pretty much impossible to avoid, it starts the conversation most times, most things everyone does day to day are small talk type activities, it helps gauge peoples moods and how we should steer the conversation etc. I don't like small talk but its useful and a great tool to get the conversation going. however if I try to ask her about her day or something she likes she starts getting upset, if we're watching a tv show/movie (I almost never watch tv or movies so its always something she likes and I know nothing about or am not caught up)and I try to discuss it or ask about it she feels like she's getting questioned or just gets upset and the rage starts.

 If I talk about my day (or anything really) she listens for a couple seconds then just starts talking as if I never said a thing. I can continue to talk and even make remarks right to her in the moment about her doing it and she doesn't even hear a word I'm saying. In the past I've brought it up and asked her why should I bother talking if she's not willing to listen anyway? Never goes well but I'm sure that's not a surprise to anyone here .

The only talk she likes is deep emotional conversations about our future together, I understand it probably helps with the fear of abandonment, but how can I talk about the same exact thing for hours at a time everyday for years? At this point its exhausting and boring to me, feel like I'm beating a dead horse, every little detail has basically been talked about a million times. The only thing in my mind that's going to change about our envisioned future together is her not being part of it if things keep going the way they are.

The quality time issue is also part of the communication thing, I can spend every second with her, but unless we are having a deep emotional conversation about the exact thing she wants to talk about at the exact time she wants to, and without her bringing it up, (you know, because I can read minds apparently) it doesn't count as spending time with her. I might as well be doing anything else. Which is what I have been starting to do, at least when she's screaming at me about not spending time with her its actually true.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, any thoughts/insights/help/advice/whatever is much appreciated, Its probably something simple I've overlooked or something but I've burnt myself out trying to figure this out on my own for the past few years, and even if I'm helpless with this topic that's ok, I'm glad to have found this place, its already been a huge help with the other stuff, and I'm sure it will continue to be a huge help in my quest to reclaim myself 

"Hey, it was really sweet and caring to see how you did X with 6 yr old and Y with 10 yr old yesterday. I love your Z quality. I understand you feel like I have not been spending quality time with you. I love you and can see how that could feel crummy. I want you to know your Z quality was one of the things I loved most about you when we first met, and I want you to know I still feel the exact same way. I can think of some ways for us to spend quality time together, but I also value your opinion. Is there anything specific you had in mind that you think could be fun?"

Don't be a lab rat to my emotional nonsense above, but I wish I did more of that before my marriage ended.

[Tired Llama]

"Hey, it was really sweet and caring to see how you did X with 6 yr old and Y with 10 yr old yesterday. I love your Z quality. I understand you feel like I have not been spending quality time with you. I love you and can see how that could feel crummy. I want you to know your Z quality was one of the things I loved most about you when we first met, and I want you to know I still feel the exact same way. I can think of some ways for us to spend quality time together, but I also value your opinion. Is there anything specific you had in mind that you think could be fun?"

Don't be a lab rat to my emotional nonsense above, but I wish I did more of that before my marriage ended.

Thanks for the reply, I have tried similar many times in the past, but her having to give any input into something she may like or decide something has caused many fights, "she always has to decide or tell me" type of thing, even mentioning doing things together that she said she loves to do has gone over horribly. The one thing I do recognize now though is the way you have it written is better than how I've approached it in the past, I'm definitely gonna give it a go see what happens and report back, worse case I'm just getting screamed at and blamed for the same thing for the thousandth time

[15years]

I can relate to the deep conversations part and not really talking about my interests anymore. My wife often wants to talk about my abuse of her, both when she's angry and when she's not, and expect me to bring it up as I have lots of things to put right.

I don't even try so much to do or talk about topics I'm interested in that she's not interested in.