Hi Chet, welcome. This is a safe "landing spot" for those who are overwhelmed by a child with BPD, whether minor or adult child.
Adult daughter on FMLA from work came to be in a PHP in my hometown for depression, anxiety, &OCD but was diagnosed with BPD while there and they can't help and have asked for her to be elevated to residential.
Sounds like if she got FMLA, and is in a PHP, and the PHP wants to escalate care, then things are serious with her.
How old is your adult daughter? Sometimes it can make a difference if they're in the 18-25 range (for insurance coverage, among other things), versus older.
Work is requiring a letter that she is fit to return to work, not sure if she will get it, but I'm making that her job, not mine.
I just want to call out that that is a wise move. Stepping back from overfunctioning, however painful, is generally a healthy move when a child has BPD. It models appropriate boundaries -- that you take care of your stuff, and she takes care of her stuff. It's not your job to do adult things for an adult child (though you may, through generosity or other values, choose to care for her in certain ways). This is a really good site to have the long discussions about boundaries that help us move forward more healthily.
She argues with the BPD diagnosis, stated that the therapy in the PHP was worthless, and the DBT is mind control to the extent that it will make her invalidate her morals
OK, that helps answer a common question here: if your child accepts the BPD diagnosis. Sorry to hear that's not the case, though it does sound familiar that she chafes at the perception of being controlled.
I will say this briefly... if she is resistant to being or feeling controlled, and doesn't accept the diagnosis, then it may be challenging "forcing" her to stay in a residential program, barring an involuntary hold... especially because she's an adult.
That being said, there are still ways to create a more healthy, more supportive "family environment" for when you guys do spend time together. Check out posts by member Sancho, who also has an adult daughter with BPD. The tools and skills it takes to "lower the temperature" of interactions aren't always intuitive, yet they can be life savers.
One other thought -- does your daughter have an official Asperger's diagnosis? Does she accept it? The BPD diagnosis can feel stigmatizing to some. Other diagnoses may feel more "acceptable". Some pwBPD (persons with BPD) "identify" as having bipolar instead, as it seems more okay. If your D accepts/identifies with the Asperger's diagnosis, I wonder if there are programs for intense autism/Asperger's that would accept her. I know her current program recommends an escalation so IDK, it's just a thought -- trying to figure out areas where she might accept treatment.
I feel lost and very worried about where she is right now.
I hear you. My husband's daughters are 13 & 15 now, and I can't imagine the feeling if they went so out of control. I'm sure your heart hurts as none of this is what you wanted for your daughter.
Write back whenever works for you;
kells76
