BPD adult daughter and my challenge with her pain

[Margaux]

I am afraid of my adult daughter-her wrath, her biting words, her physical aggression, her escalation out of nowhere.

I am incredibly sad because she is as venomous as she was 5 years ago. She can have some good spells and I am hopeful and actually happy. But then she turns as she did today and has blamed me for her ruined life, not having children, absolutely everything.

I am in deep pain because she is clearly not any better and it is clear she still looks out and does not take any responsibility for her life. I am in pain because I am her enemy. I love her so deeply and I cannot hold her and comfort her or take the pain away. I am afraid to be with her for her rage and her physical attacks. I am scared of my beautiful baby.
I am in need of help I am a wreck & am turning on myself.little hope for joy or relief

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[strangeworld]

You are not alone. I have an undiagnosed 23 yo who rages at me and others and it makes it almost impossible to be around her. It is soul crushing to know our children are suffering and we can't help them. I have started praying to my higher power as well as hers to protect and guide. My daughter is ina battle with alcohol as well and I feel pretty much hopeless. Its been years of this and we've tried psychiatrist, counselors...medication. nothing stuck and now she is an a toxic and abusive (both ways) relationship neither know how to get out of. My daughter blamed me and her dad for all her problems last night while on the phone then asked me why I had kids then hung up on me. She believes we kicked her out at 16 and we didn't. Today I called and she was raging at her bf. It's an absolute nightmare and both of them are mentally ill. She is undiagnosed and he is dx bipolar 1. Great combo. I have little joy and relief also and feel like I am always suspended waiting for the next crisis. No work, doesn't drive, goes to community college but relies on her bf to drive. No close friends. It couldn't get much worse. She is very depressed right now and I want to fix her but I can't. I am depressed right now and wish I wouldn't absorb her pain.

[Sancho]

Hi Margaux and Strangeworld
My heart is heavy reading your posts. You describe what we all experience here. What struck me today in reading was that in those moments when things are calmer we dare to hope - that is my rollercoaster ride. And those moments for me are when there is enough dope for dd - when it runs out the abuse hits the fan.

The other thing is how long the journey has been for us all. We are exhausted from being on high alert for the next crisis, from the constant anxiety of wondering if our loved ones are safe.

I have moved to a different place in myself though now. Most of the time I let the abuse pass me by; most of the time I am silent - because I know when I speak it heightens her anger; most of the time I can let go and just try to feel love for her. Sometimes I feel she has become an abusive monster - but then I remember it is awful for her as well.

I have been taking tiny steps - and coming here is so helpful. When I am tempted to think I can 'fix it' I come here and listen to the experience of others.

My heart goes out to you both. Thank you for posting.