Co-parenting; helping child to not assimilate black-and-white thinking

[Justdrive]

Good day.

I've been divorced for about a year and a half now. We have one child, an 8 year old daughter. Uncertain if ex-wife was diagnosed quiet BPD (I know she had mental health treatment as a young adult, but she never went into specifics.)

Ex-wife and I were mostly apolitical when we were together. The person she left me for is very political, and with the mirroring and idealization that some people with BPD are prone to doing, ex-wife has also become very political.

Politics is what it is. I have friends, relatives, and co-workers of every political stripe, so I'm not trying to single anyone out. Unfortunately, with the feelings-create-facts and black-and-white thinking aspects of BPD, my ex-wife now has some very strong beliefs that she is actively impressing on our daughter.

What brought this on is a conversation that my daughter and I had at supper tonight. She stated some very bold opinions that she said my ex-wife had told her about, and I was left to try and figure out how to encourage her to think for herself without invalidating her. At 8 years old, I don't think she's at the developmental stage yet where she's really ready for complex shades-of-gray thinking. And I'd be worried about what it might mean to her psyche to have to watch what she says or thinks around both parents.

I'm inclined to gently remind daughter that people have a lot of different opinions for different reasons, and that there are always multiple sides to a story for now. I'm hoping that as daughter gets older, she will naturally, through school, and with my encouragement, learn to think critically and develop her own opinions and reasoning, whatever they may be. Also, I've read in a couple of different places that one of the ways in which BPD is "transmitted" is that dysfunctional patterns of thinking are modeled, and the child doesn't get to know better, or is discouraged from learning otherwise. So that's another reason why this is a concern for me.

Any ideas, BPD coparenting veterans? Am I on the right track? Is there more I could/should be doing? Thanks for your time.

[BigOof]

Try teaching your child magic tricks and explaining how there are two different viewpoints to the same set of actions.

This should be a fun bonding exercise while not alienating your child.

[zaqsert]

Last year I tried something with our D11 that I believe I got from or adapted from Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

Find something innocuous that your daughter would know about that has both good and bad things about it. It could be school, part fun and possibly part tedious. It could be a playground, a teacher, someone she knows.

Then chat about how the thing/place/person you pick has great, positive attributes. How great they are, how wonderful they make her feel.

At the same time, that exact same thing/place/person has some attributes that are not so much fun. Touch on these lightly. No bashing or badmouthing needed. Just enough to help her realize there are two (or more) sides.

And yet, with these multiple sides to the exact same thing, she has her own opinions of what she likes and doesn't like. If she likes it, she may also see some aspects of it that are not so great. That's entirely normal. If she doesn't like it, she can also appreciate some aspects about it that are good. Totally normal too.

Then you can mention that when some people feel very strongly about something (happens often in politics), it's too easy for them to see only all the good or all the bad about it. But to be wise and fair, it's important to remember to look at the good AND the bad. And only after that, decide if you have preference.

Otherwise, imagine if there's a playground she loves. Then someone comes along and notices only the bad parts of the playground. Then that person tells your daughter all about the terrible parts of the playground and "how terrible that playground is". Would your daughter focus on all the bad, and then decide she doesn't like that playground anymore? Or will she consider both the good and the bad, and probably still love the playground because she has fun there?

Our daughter was already 10 or 11 by the time I had this conversation with her. We were able to go into how some politicians unfortunately talk about only the good (or bad) about a situation — this introduces a cognitive bias. Then they repeat it over and over and over — this introduces another cognitive bias. Similar with cult leaders. She has since called it out in other situations.

Other topics I had discussed with our daughter included sources (who's saying it and what makes it credible, or not). Fortunately her school has been covering this too. And some concepts of statistics or the scientific method (do 1 or 10 "samples" yield a highly likely answer or do you need more information than that?). It has been fun seeing her question things that pop up in the news and form some of her own opinions.

Give it time. You'll figure out how much of this to go into and at what pace. Take it in bite sized pieces. That'll help keep it interesting for her. Let her ask questions. With it on your mind, it's amazing how many instances you'll probably find when you can refer back to this.

As you go through this, your daughter may feel she has strong opinions. They may not come from her, but she may still feel them. Be curious. Accept that that's what she feels at the moment, ask questions, and let her talk it through. You know her best, but if she feels you're trying to convince her or change her mind, she may dig in her heels, as many people do. Consider gradually leading her to it and taking the side door by sharing apparently-unrelated examples. She's likely to make the connection.

[PeteWitsend]

My Daughter (8) reached out to my fiancee/partner with some questions she had about my divorce from her BPDmom (ie BPDxw), who was badmouthing me.

she asked something like "Why does my mom say things that I don't believe or feel?" 

I thought my partner had a good response which was "You don't always need to try to understand grownup things.  Sometimes grown ups do things for grown up reasons that don't make sense to children, so it's OKAY not to understand them."

I had previously told D that I don't agree with some of the things her mom says, and she doesn't have to agree with them either, and she should make up her own mind, based on what she sees and feels." 

My Daughter just nodded OKAY, and said that's what she was thinking, and then never brought it up again. 

honestly it was a big moment for me, as quickly as it was over and passed... I felt very reassured by that, because one of my biggest fears was that my daughter would grow up disordered as well, after her mom got done with her

[ForeverDad]

I had previously told D that I don't agree with some of the things her mom says, and she doesn't have to agree with them either, and she should make up her own mind, based on what she sees and feels." 

My Daughter just nodded OKAY, and said that's what she was thinking, and then never brought it up again. 

honestly it was a big moment for me, as quickly as it was over and passed... I felt very reassured by that, because one of my biggest fears was that my daughter would grow up disordered as well, after her mom got done with her.

Very important, this parenting is not a "one and done" learning process.  In the months and years to come, look for opportunities to reinforce these common sense principles.  Often the kids don't retain the lessons and techniques, maybe not even remember how to name or describe them.  So repetition is also vital, though with variations to the details so you don't sound like a stuck recording.

[Justdrive]

Thank you, everyone. Got some good strategies to mull over!

[ThanksForPlaying]

Try teaching your child magic tricks and explaining how there are two different viewpoints to the same set of actions.

This is a cool idea. Reminds me of when I was a kid - I had a tennis coach who noticed that some of my line calls were a bit "iffy". I was of the mindset "when in doubt, call it out". He set the tennis ball down veeeery close to the line and asked me to call it - I got down on all fours and squinted at it - "it's out". Then he stepped on the ball, compressing it and spreading it out. I checked again - "it's on the line - it's in". And what happens when a ball is coming at you hard with a lot of topspin? "it flattens". It was a sportsmanship and physics lesson all in one. That's how I learned about the grey areas in tennis.

A bit off topic sorry - but some interesting ideas on this thread - thanks.