Avoiding the inevitable crisis

[Mishabear]

The more I learn about BPD, the more I can see how much we have enabled our BPD son, without being aware of what we were doing. Offers of assistance, love, support which to a non BPD person may well have been received with understanding of the intent.
The dilemma my husband and I face regularly is our attempt to constantly try to keep our 20 year old in work. With his habits he is unwilling to break, his every cent is spent on consumables.
Dropping out of his last year of high school, his dad has repeatedly helped him find work. No no has lasted more than 2 months. Driving licence lost, his stamina usually lasts first 2 days of Week then by third he’s losing it and resorting to SH.
The lengths we have gone to to wake him, transport him result in us being resentful when he doesn’t wake and slides into further depression.
I know that he needs to experience the natural consequence of his actions or inaction.
We know that the very few boundaries we try to stand firm on will get abused and we will be faced with the difficult choice of not being able to continue having him live with us. Yet he is forever broke, spending most pay well before the next is due.
My fear is homelessness for him or turning to crime. That’s the hardest decision to make.
We have been unable to keep him seeing a regular therapist, since turning 18 he is control of when he is released from any mental health settings. I’d love for him to do DBT but he is unmoving on seeking addiction treatment. I understand the 2 won’t mix. He has seen the same youth mental health support worker for 3 sessions. My husband and I, our hearts are broken again and again. We have been accepting of much, removed most expectations or aspirations parents hope for, yet I simply can’t yet deal with telling him he needs to leave. Knowing that he suffers thoughts of real or unreal fear of abandonment, this to me is the one thing that my gut tells me he would take as the absolute in rejection.
Thanks for listening. M

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

Mishabear thanks for sharing. I understand the heartache. You want your son to do better and be stronger and it feels impossible some days.

It is true that people with BPD often perceive boundaries as abandonment, but I've learned that over time, with consistent repetition and love, they can adjust. Have you ever set a firm boundary with your son that you've seen him adjust to?

What sorts of boundaries have you set, or tried to set?

Keep writing. We're here, we understand how hard it can be, and we're a great sounding board!

pj