Completely exhausted after argument

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am exhausted. My daughter and I have a very volatile relationship. I love her more than anything in this entire universe, but I struggle to understand how one minute I can be amazing and the next minute I am horrible. I feel exhausted from trying to defend myself constantly and from the seeming sabotage that she does between me and others in the family.

 I feel crazy, ashamed of myself and so much more because I don’t know how to have a normal relationship with her. I feel responsible and when things go really well for a long time I have a hope that everything will be OK and then it’s not. The roller coaster continues. 

This is my first post and I’m desperate to gain some sort of understanding or be understood myself for the pain that I am in dealing and trying to understand my daughter. She is 22 and I am 46. We live apart, but we have been dealing with this for at least eight years.
She triggers me and my own PTSD by wanting to talk about every single traumatic thing in life  if I react in the slightest, it ends very badly like it did last night. The silent treatment, gossiping about me and I’m so exhausted. If anyone has any kind of words or advice or encouragement, I am begging that you would share

[Baffledbybpdmama]

I am exhausted. My daughter and I have a very volatile relationship. I love her more than anything in this entire universe, but I struggle to understand how one minute I can be amazing and the next minute I am horrible. I feel exhausted from trying to defend myself constantly and from the seeming sabotage that she does between me and others in the family.

 I feel crazy, ashamed of myself and so much more because I don’t know how to have a normal relationship with her. I feel responsible and when things go really well for a long time I have a hope that everything will be OK and then it’s not. The roller coaster continues. 

This is my first post and I’m desperate to gain some sort of understanding or be understood myself for the pain that I am in dealing and trying to understand my daughter. She is 22 and I am 46. We live apart, but we have been dealing with this for at least eight years.
She triggers me and my own PTSD by wanting to talk about every single traumatic thing in life  if I react in the slightest, it ends very badly like it did last night. The silent treatment, gossiping about me and I’m so exhausted. If anyone has any kind of words or advice or encouragement, I am begging that you would share

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Baffledbybpdmama
I think just about everyone here can identify with what you are going through - and it is totally exhausting. Trying to accompany our bpd children on this rollercoaster ride is just unimaginable to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

So the first thing is that when you come here it is a great relief because you know you are not alone. For me that is a huge relief. When things are bad I often sit and think of all the people of bpd family who are going through the same thing.

The other thing is that it is good that you live apart. Your space is where you can let go of your responsibility and find ways to nurture yourself.

At first when DD wasn't here - she used to come and go - I felt more anxious when she was not here. But I have learned to 'let go'. It took a long time, but I used the mantra 'I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it' - over and over again.

I found some Bach flower remedies that helped especially 'Red Chestnut' which is for 'over concern for the welfare of others'. This is a very appropriate description for me because my identity has been developed as a 'fix it' person.

So I have had to change - and this is still a work in progress.

I absolutely identify with you when you say that when things are going pretty well, I start to feel hopeful. At least I used to.

Then I went through a stage of getting suspicious when things were going well - 'was she working up to asking me for something; is she on some new drug that is making her pleasant towards me?

Now I just go with however it is and say very little even when dd is okay towards me. Going 'greystone rock' has been great for me.

I was getting shocking verbal abuse then one day I read about greystone. Next time the abuse started I said 'I'm not going to respond because it makes your emotions more intense' or something like that.

Since then I don't initiate things, I respond with very few words and always in a mildly cheerful voice (not too chirpy though!) and I don't offer opinions.

It might seem ridiculous but when you think about it, our dds are adults. Mine doesn't like the fact that she is still not independent and interprets what I say as criticism.

I try to have a particular mindset ie I walk beside dd on her journey - she is responsible for the choices she makes - even when I can see her choice will lead to not-so-good outcomes.

I love dd and so I am 'letting go'.

I hope you can get some support by coming here and it might also be good if you build up your support system when you live. The gossip and lies are so hurtful, so we need to unwind with people who respect us and know us for who we are - not who our dd says we are.

Thank you for posting.

[Baffledbybpdmama]

Thank you so much Sancho for your thoughtful response. There’s so much judgement when dealing with my daughter and it affects me so much. I’m hoping this can be a supportive place of rest where I can fully be myself.
Grief seems to be something that accompanies the bpd relationship and I find staying stable myself can be pretty challenging.
I appreciate the techniques suggested and the kindness. I REALLY do. Thank you so much.

[CdnErinBPDMom]

Just gonna send lots of love & hugs. Every one of us is very different in our sameness… or very same in our different- ness? Not sure which. You’ll get through it… you have found the exact right place; that, I know for sure.
Welcome & again, sending love & hugs, and support.