Hi, im new to this forum.
Im 20 years with my now wife. We have had crazy relationship which begin on high school. It was great times, from what i remember. My wife was totally into me and me too. Sometimes she criticized me, but she was no.1 in class and me not, so i was buying this and try to do my best. But I always feel, im not enough for her, dont know why. But after some times, she start to change her attitude. I started to be suspicious and hell ride can begin. I somehow have low self-confidence, im jealous, i dont know why. Well, train was on track and we had break-ups and returns (dont know why, it was like magic magnet) i many times try my best and was angry, when this was not working. After some nasty periods, I was ready for final break-up, she was emotionaly cheating on me (she always keep some co-pet for fun/better feeling) and i discovered it, I was so sad and want a change, she told me, it was about my passivity, i was not good partner etc. But she never want to do a cut. Never to lose me. Well i again try my best, start teraphy etc. I want to be a best men for her, but it was never working, never enough...Than she become pregnant, twice in short period...It was and it is nice time, with ups and downs, but she is acting like hot/cold all over times. Sometimes she is really into me (or maybe its just in my head,
PLEASE READ crazy) sometimes she is totally towed away. When i ask her or try to solve someting, there is no cool response. She doesnt like solutions, she is very sensitive to another opinion. I was frustrated and starts to do crazy thing, i never really understand why (maybe im BPD?) control her, check her, etc. But she was always one step forward, lying, masking and so on. Last month I found out, she has normal romantic co-relationship for many years. Its totally devastated me. But she is acting like, ok its nasty, but it was not easy with you. You "choked" me. Her ground is, ok you discovered, you cant forgive me (never told that), i was not happy with you, but never really told you, i need some rest from you, it was my little hobby, etc. We need teraphy tho. I ask her about specific mistakes. She never know - "You are great father, great guy you know, but i dont know, something is not right, I like you sometimes, but now, i dont feel anything. Its changing you know". Because of kids, we stay somehow together, rise them. I dont know why i didnt just kick her. Its a mess. And i dont know, am I crazy? BDP? I was very kind on her, just angry when she was cold. Maybe its just normal cheating, im weak person and so on. Maybe she was normal and I was up and down. I will see my therapist from past... and sorry to bother you, sorry if its an off-topic. But im so messed-up. I do a research and find this forum. I love my kids, spend a lot of time with them, always preparing fun for them. Now im worried, i will be without them. And for no reason, im worried i will be without her...
