Lost and hurting

[Trimom2219]

Hello,

I'm a mother of 2 daughters and 1 son.  My 2nd daughter has had many issues since a teen and I have had her in therapy, she's been hospitalized several times, she used to cut and want to commit suicide.  I worked with several programs throughout her teenage years.  She was never fully diagnosed with BPD but it was headed that way but she refused therapy and it ended.  Now she is an adult.

A couple years ago she moved in with her BF and his brother (which was an unstable relationship to begin with and neither of them came from a stable or supportive environment).  She got pregnant, they fought about something (which they always fought) and she moved back home in her early pregnancy and he was never heard from again.
Long story short... My fiance' and I (who lives with me) basically raised her baby as she was working 2 jobs.  We made a beautiful home for both of them and adored our granddaughter.  My daughter received no support from the father of this child.  Both of us work full-time but also raised the baby, provided food, clothing, shelter,  love and support to no end. We would take and pick her up from daycare, watch her in the evening, during weekends.  Most times if you saw us, you saw the baby.
All was going well until my daughter and her new BF got into a fight and I come home to find she was drinking and the baby was unattended to.  My son was also home and my daughter wanted to leave in her car to go to this BF house.  We would not allow her to and a huge confrontation took place.  I tried to get her to calm down but I ended up calling police and she was arrested refusing additional help. (this is not the first time I've had to call the police)
She blames me, of course, and then few days afterwards claims her daughter was sexually abused and it must be either me, my fiance' or daycare.  The CPS claim was unfounded, the drs have said there is no evidence.  She has obviously moved from our home and has now included the father of the baby into her life.  While he hasn't seen the baby in over a year.  Neither one of them will allow me to see her.  As you can imagine this has been devastating to both of us.  It has been 8 months since we've seen her. I did get to see her for a few mins by chance.
The other issue is I did tell my daughter while she lived with us that I would help her pay for nail school but since all this took place I refused to help her with that.  She wanted to me sign a lease for her but I also refused.  I had to set boundaries and I can't allow her to abuse me any further.  So she is completely infurriated with me.
I filed a petition for grandparents rights and after several court apparences, have now been scheduled for a court hearing as neither my daughter or father will allow me access, even supervised.
As you can imagine, there is a lot more to all of this but space permitted I can't get into all the details.
Now I'm at a point where I don't know if continuing with grandparents rights is what I should do.  Every time we go back to court it takes me weeks to recover from the emotional trauma and hurt. I replay our lives from the time she was young over and over.  I've been on a constant rollercoaster with her since her teenage years and I'm exhausted.    I've written to her asking that she attend counseling with me, that our relationship needs mending and help.  She wont go. She refuses to except me as her mother and says I am nothing to her and will never be around my granddaughter again.  I know court will grant me rights, as I have all sorts of proof as being involved on a daily basis but I know my daughter will not comply, leaving me to go back to court.  I went through hell and back with my divorce and back and forth to court that I can't do it again.  I love and miss my granddaughter to no end and it's hurting so much.  I don't know what the right thing is to do and I don't know how to help my daughter anymore.  My thought is to let this all go and accept the fact that she needs to help herself, that her life will always be complicated and that one day I will hopefully know my granddaughter and she will eventually be back in our lives.
So if anyone has any guidance, suggestions, help me please.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Aralia]

Trimom, my heart goes out to you.  I can feel the anguish and exhaustion in your post.  But I encourage you to try to somehow stay involved in your granddaughter's life, even if just from afar or through your other children.  Your description of past events leaves me wondering how your daughter is going to be able to adequately care for your granddaughter, and there might come a time when she desperately needs someone intervene on her behalf.  Of course, this is only if possible and if it won't jeopardize your own mental wellbeing.

[beatricex]

hi TriMom2219,
I can really hear the pain of your story.  I'm so sorry.  This is an extremely difficult situation, because on the one hand you want to be a champion for your granddaughter, but on the other hand court is extremely triggering for you.  There are resources that might help you (besides this board) and I encourage you to get that tangible support system in place.  I mean actually communicating on the phone regularly with others in your situation.  This will allow you to let go of your grief, hearing other's voices is powerful.  I think this would really help you.  Family Connections is one resource, NAMI another.  Another thing that popped into my head as a read what you wrote that may help:  research trauma bonding.  What your daughter has done to you and your fiancee is just that.  The accusations are abusive.  If you choose to stay in a boundary less relationship with her, the abuse will get worse, which is why you have involved the courts.  The courts might be causing you to feel guilt, but it's normal.  A counselor could also help you process those feelings.  Those guilty feelings are called survivor guilt.

Please come back here and post more and know there are others with similar situations that involve grandchildren.  It is really heartbreaking the pain this disease causes in the family system, but remember you're strong and you're a survivor.  Someone has to reflect that to your granddaughter as she grows into her own person. 

Personally, I had a BPD mom and my grandmother (Dad's mom) was that person for me.  She has passed, but as an adult I talked to her weekly for several years after going NC with my entire FOO.  So please never underestimate the power you have in this child's life.  Randi Kreiger has a lot to say about your specific situation, I have found her books helpful as well.  I think this board often has the slant that we are supposed to cater to the BPD (Family Connections has that slant as well, imo), but there are other perspectives and the healthy thing for you to do now is to listen to them all and decide for yourself what is right for you.  At the end of the day, this is about what you value, and how you will choose to live your life.  Your fiancee will have a lot to say about it too, of course.  You can both weigh your options as you make decisions together going forward.
   stay strong
b

[Trimom2219]

Thank you for your words of comfort.  I am working with a counselor and will also look into the other resources you mentioned.