Need help with what to do next

[Dogsncats73]

My daughter who is in her early 40’s has decided I did not do enough for her birthday party. I’m sure everyone on this forum understands the unwarranted reaction I received. She has, yet again, directed a text tirade against me and cut off all communication. I could describe her accusations but they are not founded in any kind of reality and very hurtful. I’ve been down this road so many times before and I’m older now and emotionally exhausted. I have two younger adult children and a husband (her father) that I don’t want to be estranged from her because she’ll have no one then. The siblings understand the situation as they have seen this before as well. What makes this time different for me is I don’t have it in me anymore to have her in my life. I am saddened and feel bad for her but I haven’t slept in 3 days since this most recent event. How do I navigate moving forward? I can’t believe I’m considering long term estrangement from my child but I don’t want the stress/sadness/guilt etc that I know will just come again another day when she blows up. She has seen therapists since she was 15 but never engaged in DBT.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PowerChild]

I'm so sorry. I understand the exhaustion, exasperation, and guilt you're feeling. Unrelated, but I have a 14-year-old daughter who has lived with her dad as of April and doesn't speak much to me because I won't call her by another name or use the pronouns "they/them." I told her when she's 18, she can do whatever she wants with her name legally and then I'll honor her wishes, but I'm not catering to a (then) 13-year-old kid.

While that particular issue is unrelated to your situation, I have also experienced guilt trips, accusations, twisting of my words, an insistence that I love her siblings more than her, etc. I'm evidently good enough to buy her things, take her on vacation, and out to eat on her birthday, but otherwise she says she feels "unsafe" with me. Sparing you a lengthy story, after our vacation in August I was hurt that she immediately went back to her dad's, told him I said things I never said, and played the role of victim again. I thought we'd had a lovely vacation in which I also paid for her friend and girlfriend to come with us.

I have made the decision not to reach out to her anymore unless it's for something like a holiday or birthday because it isn't fair that I'm being used and mistreated like this. Nowhere near what you're dealing with, but I can somewhat relate.

I cannot imagine what you must have gone through for so many years, and what you're enduring now. Honestly, your mental health and wellbeing is just as important as hers. She's old enough that she doesn't require your guidance as a parent anymore, so you owe her nothing. If a relationship with her is only causing you grief, and I'm assuming likely health problems, please don't feel guilty for doing what's right for you at this time. Maybe things will change, maybe they won't. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom in order to realize she needs to get her BPD in check with long term therapy and medication. Maybe that's the kick in the pants she needs. And maybe that won't be the result, but your health and happiness are extremely important. Take care of yourself. You're not a bad person or a bad mother for having human needs. Hang in there.

[Dogsncats73]

Thank you for responding. I have never felt so alone before and you allowed me to feel supported.

[PowerChild]

I hope so, Agnes. You are not alone, even though it may feel that way at times. If you need to talk, I believe there's a direct message option on this site, too.

Remember: You're not a bad person for prioritizing your health and happiness.