I don't know how to process what has happened and she's reached out

[Hoodleheimer]

I've previously been in a relationship with someone with BPD but clearly failed to learned my lesson and it happened again. I've been dating someone for about 5 months who I found out was also diagnosed with the disorder. The first two months were heavenly, but then she reconnected with an old friend and her behaviour completely changed. She started going to clubs and doing drugs frequently- she'd never done either before. I became secondary to both to this new person and the new lifestyle. However, I was always called whenever there was a crisis- which was frequently. She lost two jobs in the space of this time, had animals taken away due to neglect, ended up in hospital for accidental overdoses twice, constantly threatened suicide and frequently went 'missing'.

I discovered that during the last month she'd slept with several people- was trying to start a relationship with a DJ at the club she goes to, was in contact with (and sleeping with) her ex, and was giving her number out to people in clubs and hooking up with people. During this month her behaviour had been very suspicious, she barely saw me and we stopped having sex. Yet despite all this I was still her councillor/fixer/caretaker. I drained every ounce of energy into helping her with all her problems and she told me that she loved me and would kill herself if she lost me. All while cheating on me to a degree I didn't think was possible. When I confronted her she tried to gaslight me and tell me it wasn't true and when I asked her to leave and ended things she was physically abusive.

My head is in pieces.I can't stop ruminating on what she has done to me and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm utterly devastated by all of this yet want nothing more than to see her again.

I was checking my phone constantly for messages from her (after initially blocking everywhere). Today (four days) after the break up I received a message. She prefaced it by saying she didn't want me to message back or to reconcile. She then said she was sorry, that there had been lies on both our parts (?) and a lot had been left unsaid, but she wanted me to find someone or something that makes me happy. I can't begin to think what to make of this- is she trying to get me to engage so she can then end things on her terms? Testing whether she still has a hold on me? She still needs the help I was giving her or her new supplies weren't available in the moment? It's incredibly painful to even think about and I have so much I want to say in reply but should I just leave it?

[kells76]

Hey Hoodleheimer, glad you reached out. It's so clear you've been through a lot in your recent relationship -- "rollercoaster" seems like it might fit.

Your experience of

I'm utterly devastated by all of this yet want nothing more than to see her again.

is really common here; you're not alone in feeling that conflict inside yourself.

Seems to me like there are a couple of questions here:

Today (four days) after the break up I received a message.

One is your question of -- what does she mean by it? What's behind it? What's her motivation, what's she trying to get?

We could speculate for a while about that, yet I'm wondering if your second question is more pressing:

I have so much I want to say in reply but should I just leave it?

Really good question. Maybe this will help you clarify:

What would you ideally want to happen, if you replied and said what you wanted to say? And, given that you know her best, do you think that ideal outcome would or wouldn't happen?

...

Settle in, make yourself at home, feel free to check out the "Tools" tab at the top of the page for more reading (whenever works for you), and again, we're glad you're here.

-kells76

[Hoodleheimer]

Thank you for the reply. I'm really struggling with this at the moment.

In answer to your questions- Ideally we would reconnect, talk and things would go back to the way they were. However, given what I know about her I'd say the chances of this are slim to none.

This doesn't make the inclination to respond any less, sadly.

[kells76]

Thank you for the reply. I'm really struggling with this at the moment.

It's OK to struggle. It's really good that you can acknowledge that's going on for you. It can be hard feeling and experiencing the struggle. How does it show up physically for you? Anything you notice?

In answer to your questions- Ideally we would reconnect, talk and things would go back to the way they were. However, given what I know about her I'd say the chances of this are slim to none.

Yes, that makes sense. For many "broadly normal" relationships, when there's a rupture, discussion and "talking through things", including the facts, can lead to understanding and an ability to move forward. However, if all it took to mend a relationship with a pwBPD was "talking through things", and doing "broadly normal" relational repairs, this site wouldn't be here! I wonder if you're recognizing that based on who she really is -- which is not only the "two months where it was heavenly" but also the chaotic, impulsive, dishonest, unfaithful side of her -- the whole -- she won't be able or willing to connect, communicate, and repair.

This doesn't make the inclination to respond any less, sadly.

That's really understandable. We want to be heard and understood, and to have closure.

What would you want to say to her, if you could? This is a good place to write it out without sending it, if you feel up for it.