How did you feel in your last weeks or r/s with BPD partner?

[imstillhere89]

I will totally spam this forum today with my posts..sorry..

I wanted to ask you how did you feel in your last weeks/months of relationship?

I'm gonna tell you what was happening with me..
*In the last few weeks of my r/s I have felt something is not right with me.
*I have felt so overwhelmed even if there was nothing wrong between me and my partner.
*I have stopped doing make up (which was something very unusual for me) but I was blaming my laziness for that)
*Many times I have been driving to work in the morning I was thinking "when is this going to be over?" not really knowing what "this" means.. I couldn't tell if I want this r/s to be over or this rollercoaster to be over or my life to be over...I couldn't name it
*I was asking myself a lot: "who am I?". I really didn't know who I am anymore. I felt like everything I knew about myself was gone. Like all the good things in me that I valued a lot and people loved me for - were gone...
*I was constantly stressed, I have felt a lot of pressure inside of me not knowing where it is coming from
*I have had moments of looking at him thinking "I want you to be gone" and then feeling guilty about it
*I found myself imagining how my life would look like without him and then thinking quickly "No, no I can't think like that, I love him and I want him to be with me"
*I was annoyed by many things he was doing that wouldn't annoy me so much before. For example if when he was noisy, when he would talk to much to me, when he wanted to do things together
*I was avoiding doing too many things together
*All I wanted to do after work was going to bed, watching movies or playing games. Now I think it could be depression...but also I knew that if we spend time doing nothing special then there will be no reason for him to start the fight because there was less chance to trigger him


He was observing me during the last few weeks a lot. And he really was trying to be nicer, and tried harder. But I was just too tired. I loved him, I would still be close to him, looked after him like he looked after me (this is something he was always doing), we would still have sex, we would still talk and laugh but I was just more distant than ever...and he could see it, he felt it.

Also 3 weeks prior to our final breakup we have had a fight. The reason was - I have put too much food on his plate during the dinner. This led to argument and then when I didn't want to argue I was called by names for about 45 minutes. I remained silent. Next day after this fight he messaged me when I was at work saying that he doesn't want to fight or breakup, he wants to talk and make it work. And when I now read what I have replied to him that day I am scared of myself. I have replied that I don't want this anymore, I have had enough, to him I am only this and that (I have used some of the horrible things he would call me), that he destroyed this feeling, that sooner or later we will breakup for good so it's better to do it now etc.
He then asked if he can stay for few days more in my house to sort out his life. I agreed asking him not to get in my way tho. After 2 days of not talking to each other he saw me crying in the garden...He came up and convinced me to stay together...
Now I think our final breakup was because he remembered that fight and what I told him and also because he saw my behaviour changing over the weeks. I think he started to be aware that not much can be done so he preferred to leave me first or he wanted me to fight for him, as this is what I was doing everytime he was packing his stuff...actually he even said that in our last texts after breakup that I didn't protest when he was leaving and that he can't imagine his life with me anymore, we don't match etc...but later on in this conversation he said that if I would do something instead of ignoring him after that last fight then we could make it work... f**k logic...

[succinite]

I was in the same place during our first break up last year. The fact that you guys broke up because of too much food on your plate seems so ridiculously familiar.
Mine broke up with me once because I spent 6 hours cleaning up her filthy apartment (including maggots, rotten food, etc.) and after that she couldn't find her headphones. She had a massive meltdown and insulted me badly until she found them in her own jacket pocket. A suicide attempt followed.

During the "real" break up she was on withdrawal and gave me the silent treatment for weeks (we lived together at that time). When I asked her what was wrong she openly agressively screamed "NOTHING". She treated me like absolute sh*t as soon as she stopped drinking and doing drugs as if I was the reason for all the pain she had tried to suppress.

So, during the last weeks of round one, I ...
✦ Felt something was off
✦ sometimes wished she would just disappear so I wouldn't have to leave her.
✦ Stopped eating, stopped drinking
✦ Lost ten pounds in 4 weeks
✦ Was excessively fretting about who is abusing whom like every minute of the day
✦ Constantly worried about her and our relationship, I forgot about EVERYTHING else. I had to stick post-its everywhere.
✦ Begging her to talk to me again. Begging her to treat me well.  
✦ Doubted my entire perception about everything
✦ Felt a constant inner tension and ran around the apartment like crazy
✦ Didn't sleep for 5 days in a row despite taking sleeping pills
✦ Still tried to keep my head above water with work in order to pay our bills and university and somehow passed all the exams.
✦ Ended up in psychiatry with acute stress disorder and depersonalization/derealization syndrom.

The second time she broke up, I
✦ thought everything would finally get better
✦ was confident with my new job
✦ was actually relatively happy with the relationship
✦ looking forward to our anniversary
✦ bought flowers for her
✦ didn't expect her to leave at all.

[PowerChild]

Spam away! I've been posting like mad lately, too.

When I left my NPD husband, I felt very much like you've described. I think largely because that situation has made me colder (I'm only half-joking), I put up with a lot less from dudes now.

I'm pretty sure I'm currently in the final weeks of my relationship with my boyfriend of two years and I honestly feel good. I feel like he's a thorn in my side and I'm sick of his crap. I don't need this, you know? I already have three kids; I don't need a man-child.

I've noticed men tend to recognize when they've pushed their woman too far and she's pulling away, and they cling tighter and often put on a show of trying to be better to convince her to stay. That's where the guilt comes in because you might start to question your decision to leave, even if it's a subconscious decision. It's like you're so used to being the only one really trying that you feel like a hypocrite for finally giving up.

 Regardless of who technically ended the relationship, he's the unhealthy one and you needed to get away from his drama and verbal and emotional abuse. Stay strong. No relationship at all -- platonic or otherwise -- is better because it doesn't give him a chance to continue to hurt you.

[Sappho11]

Good Lord, if anything was ever relatable, it's this thread.

The other day I re-read my journal entries from the time of my BPD relationship. It has all the features mentioned in the two posts above: confusion, guilt, complete loss of self, partial loss of reality (eg. flaky BPDex convinced me that lack of punctuality could be just as good as punctuality), constant exhaustion, completely unprecedented emotional breakdowns (had ZERO history of such disturbances before), the feeling of going insane, etc.

When I finally learnt of gaslighting, it all made sense. BPDex ticked every single box of every single description/list I could find.

Psychological abuse is no joke.