Adult daughter

[R3oan]

Hi,
After an emotionally wrenching phone call from my 29 year old daughter last night, I realized I really need people to vent to and hear how others handle relationships with their adult children who have BPD.

I have had counseling for myself in the past (during and after a toxic divorce, several years later when my ex was intent on stirring things up with our kids and myself).

I actually worked at a crisis facility many years ago where we provided support for some individuals with BPD. I did well with them because I could be neutral and supportive. They could not begin to tear me apart, let me gather myself partially together, turn me inside out, wring me in ten different directions, and then tear me apart again like my daughter does. Then the next day everything is “fine”. Maybe a breezy “sorry about that phone call or texts but I was really feeling emotional, or had a bad week”, but usually the next day she seems on top of the world.

I am going to read through the posts and see what ideas I can pickup.


 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Couscous]

 

I did well with them because I could be neutral and supportive.

Do you think that your daughter might be better served by talking to someone like this instead of to you? Could you give her the phone number of a hotline that she can call when she’s in distress?

While I’m sure she feels better after lashing out at you, it’s not actually in her own best interests to continue to regulate her emotions in this manner. She absolutely can learn new emotion regulation strategies — but as long as you continue to make yourself available as her punching bag, she will have no incentive to learn them.

Perhaps part of you feels like you deserve to be punished for the mistakes you have made as a parent and now you must atone, but this doesn’t help her by doing so. If this is the case and if you struggle with setting boundaries around this behavior due to guilt, I recommend checking out some Al-Anon meetings, especially ones for parents.

[R3oan]

Thank you for your reply.
I absolutely think she would benefit from talking to someone else. She has been in counseling a couple times but has never stayed with it. It seems like she has excuses like she can’t afford it, can’t find someone with openings, it doesn’t work with her work schedule, etc. I know personally that it IS hard to find a counselor and afford it so I feel guilty when I think she is making excuses.

I live in an extremely small town and am an hour away from a town with an Al-anon group or any support group.
I am going to see if I can get into a counselor again. I have never addressed my relationship with my daughter in past counseling, it was always problem focused on surviving my divorce and ex.