Happy to be out of the emotional blender

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all, thanks for being here.   I just joined the site after reading many posts online and finding comfort in knowing that there is a community like this to help one another with the mind bending devastation that comes with loving someone with BPD.  A few weeks ago I moved out of the home I shared with my now ex boyfriend because I could no longer handle the insanity and downright bizarre behavior.  We'd been together for a couple of years, the relationship progressed very quickly which made me nervous as I'm a turtle typically when it comes to men, and ultimately it resulted in me being physically and emotionally abused, plus some more "junk" I'm not quite ready to discuss yet.  I'm the adult child of an alcoholic, so codependency is no stranger to me.  I'm already in therapy (again!) to ensure I don't repeat my own unhealthy patterns of trying to save/fix/love someone's hurts away, as well as work on better boundaries.  He played an award winning victim game from the beginning; told me all about his late mother the schizophrenic, his late closeted gay father, how he was an only child that was always picked on and left alone, his intense fear of abandonment, how every woman abruptly leaves him, nobody ever truly understood him, how he was filled with "self loathing and shame", etc.  I thought since he was getting treatment for his "depression" (which I believe co-exists with his undiagnosed BPD) that was he someone with a certain level of awareness and was willing/wanting to be a healthier person.  As such, I looked past his explosive rage, whether directed at strangers on the street, myself, his ex wife, the list goes on.  In time, I told him that I couldn't stay with him and witness his poor treatment of others since it's the polar opposite of how I live my life, to serve others.  He agreed to see a therapist with me (this was my idea and I was going to leave if he didn't do this) and then that stopped after she asked him to learn how to spend time alone, identify his values, basically re write his story.  His rage got worse and I felt unsafe in my own home, and I was exhausted having to always manage his moods.  I was on eggshells constantly, trying to always make everything better so he would hopefully just be happy.  One afternoon during an argument, I had walked away to get some space.  Upon returning and trying to have a calm conversation, he came at me and pummeled me to the ground, my leg got gashed on a piece of furniture (bad enough to need stitches and leave a nasty scar) and because I had been holding my IPhone when this happened, my thumb had hit the camera button on the home screen, accidentally (but thankfully) recording a 4 second video of me being whirled around and screaming "get off me, don't touch me".  I told him I was going to call the police, he then took my phone and left the apartment.  A few minutes later he texted me (which he knew would appear on my Apple watch) and said "Your phone is in the mailbox. Think about what you're doing."  I was terrified.   Two hours later, he came home and had asked a concierge from our apt building to accompany him to the apartment so that I wouldn't attack him (just wow right!) and he said he was going to move out because he felt he was in an abusive relationship with me (wow again!).   I left immediately and stayed with a friend.  The next day he was of course still there, he did not apologize to me, rather said that he was only reacting to me and my poor behavior, but that he knew we were meant to be together.  I realized I was dealing with a level of crazy that was well out of my realm, and I made plans to move out.  Since being gone, I feel lighter, free, and my friends tell me I seem more like me again.  This is quite embarrassingly only a small part of what I endured with this man.  He was a facade of lies, filled with rage, and I feel so sorry that people don't get the help they need and live with that inner turmoil, also spewing it onto others.  My hopes in being here is that some of what I have shared and will share going forward will help others to heal.  Thanks for reading.

[JJ26]

Hi all, thanks for being here.   I just joined the site after reading many posts online and finding comfort in knowing that there is a community like this to help one another with the mind bending devastation that comes with loving someone with BPD.  A few weeks ago I moved out of the home I shared with my now ex boyfriend because I could no longer handle the insanity and downright bizarre behavior.  We'd been together for a couple of years, the relationship progressed very quickly which made me nervous as I'm a turtle typically when it comes to men, and ultimately it resulted in me being physically and emotionally abused, plus some more "junk" I'm not quite ready to discuss yet.  I'm the adult child of an alcoholic, so codependency is no stranger to me.  I'm already in therapy (again!) to ensure I don't repeat my own unhealthy patterns of trying to save/fix/love someone's hurts away, as well as work on better boundaries.  He played an award winning victim game from the beginning; told me all about his late mother the schizophrenic, his late closeted gay father, how he was an only child that was always picked on and left alone, his intense fear of abandonment, how every woman abruptly leaves him, nobody ever truly understood him, how he was filled with "self loathing and shame", etc.  I thought since he was getting treatment for his "depression" (which I believe co-exists with his undiagnosed BPD) that was he someone with a certain level of awareness and was willing/wanting to be a healthier person.  As such, I looked past his explosive rage, whether directed at strangers on the street, myself, his ex wife, the list goes on.  In time, I told him that I couldn't stay with him and witness his poor treatment of others since it's the polar opposite of how I live my life, to serve others.  He agreed to see a therapist with me (this was my idea and I was going to leave if he didn't do this) and then that stopped after she asked him to learn how to spend time alone, identify his values, basically re write his story.  His rage got worse and I felt unsafe in my own home, and I was exhausted having to always manage his moods.  I was on eggshells constantly, trying to always make everything better so he would hopefully just be happy.  One afternoon during an argument, I had walked away to get some space.  Upon returning and trying to have a calm conversation, he came at me and pummeled me to the ground, my leg got gashed on a piece of furniture (bad enough to need stitches and leave a nasty scar) and because I had been holding my IPhone when this happened, my thumb had hit the camera button on the home screen, accidentally (but thankfully) recording a 4 second video of me being whirled around and screaming "get off me, don't touch me".  I told him I was going to call the police, he then took my phone and left the apartment.  A few minutes later he texted me (which he knew would appear on my Apple watch) and said "Your phone is in the mailbox. Think about what you're doing."  I was terrified.   Two hours later, he came home and had asked a concierge from our apt building to accompany him to the apartment so that I wouldn't attack him (just wow right!) and he said he was going to move out because he felt he was in an abusive relationship with me (wow again!).   I left immediately and stayed with a friend.  The next day he was of course still there, he did not apologize to me, rather said that he was only reacting to me and my poor behavior, but that he knew we were meant to be together.  I realized I was dealing with a level of crazy that was well out of my realm, and I made plans to move out.  Since being gone, I feel lighter, free, and my friends tell me I seem more like me again.  This is quite embarrassingly only a small part of what I endured with this man.  He was a facade of lies, filled with rage, and I feel so sorry that people don't get the help they need and live with that inner turmoil, also spewing it onto others.  My hopes in being here is that some of what I have shared and will share going forward will help others to heal.  Thanks for reading.

[Crossfire27va]

I've just been through a similar situation. Funny how they say they fear abandonment but have no problem abandoning you. I'm sorry you had to go through such a horrifying experience and I'm happy to know you're feeling relief

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JJ26, 

Welcome to our online family! So glad you found us and that you have shared your first post. So many stories here of countless members who truly understand the dynamics of what it is like to be with someone who shows the traits of BPD. My mom was an uBPD, and then I married someone who was much like her. Going through the pain of detaching from a relationship is hard, but for your physical health and sanity, I am thankful that you are finally safe.

What does safety look like for you? Is it a physical place and also a mental place that you are working to get to?

Again, welcome! Share when you can.

 
Wools

[JJ26]

I've just been through a similar situation. Funny how they say they fear abandonment but have no problem abandoning you. I'm sorry you had to go through such a horrifying experience and I'm happy to know you're feeling relief

Thank you for you reply and sharing as well.  Mental illness fascinates me; to your point, they fear abandonment yet they ultimately are their own self-fulfilling prophecy when they drive everyone around them away.  He's got three children (now they are 18, 17 and 12) who have not seen him or spoken to him since early 2020.  It makes me sad for him and for them, and he always said his ex wife was to blame which of course I never believed.  Whenever I tried to get him to open up about it, he would get very upset and tell me to drop it.  After some mild detective work on my part, I found out some things that he had never told me, because they were things that he would have had to take accountability for, and he's not skilled with that at all.  His main focus was always finding new women and introducing them to the kids.  His average since his divorce in 2016 was one new woman a year, then an explosive ending, then immediately onto the next, with me being his longest relationship since his divorce.  I wouldn't be surprised at all if in the last few weeks since I've left him, there's already someone new...or already had been perhaps! 

[JJ26]

Hi JJ26, 

Welcome to our online family! So glad you found us and that you have shared your first post. So many stories here of countless members who truly understand the dynamics of what it is like to be with someone who shows the traits of BPD. My mom was an uBPD, and then I married someone who was much like her. Going through the pain of detaching from a relationship is hard, but for your physical health and sanity, I am thankful that you are finally safe.

What does safety look like for you? Is it a physical place and also a mental place that you are working to get to?

Again, welcome! Share when you can.

 
Wools

Thanks for your reply and reading my story.  To me, safety is currently my new apartment and knowing that I can lock the door and be in my own zen space.  Mentally, there is no more drama, no bullying, no constant interruptions, no blame, no flip-flop behavior, no lies, it's just peaceful.  I miss the person I thought he was, but I've realized for many months now; that person was just a facade, and what I experienced for 80% of the relationship was the real him.  I should have left sooner, I do feel badly that I enabled that behavior for a long time and that's on me, but I did the best I could in each moment, until my best was actually leaving.  My therapist and I are working on boundaries and building up my self worth, and that feels nice too.