The Holidays are About Sharing

[EZEarache]

It's the Holidays, and as we've become familiar with BPD, we know that the holiday spirit tends to bring out the dysregulation in people.

I've been off the board lately, and just focusing on being a good Dad with an often difficult co-parent. However, last night I asked my co-parent if she planned on taking our 2.5 year old son to see Santa, and asked if she would. This of course was a big mistake. It turned into a lot of projection on how I view her as a lonely person, and that she couldn't understand my responses. My responses were mostly BIFFs along the lines of, if it's a big deal, don't worry about it. For example, "If you don't want to do Santa, I can take him on Christmas Eve, I think."

To this I received the response, "I think you’re reading way too much into this holiday thing. I think you’re assigning some kind of beliefs to me that I don’t have and I’m really not sure why? I don’t know what I can do to convince you that you’re creating a worldview *for me* based on some preconceived notions that you have *about me* based on a narrative that you want to be true. I appreciate that you have wants for our son and I’m accommodating all of them without complaint, question, or expressing any kind of disagreement or resistance whatsoever so I really don’t understand where all of this is coming from. I have no problem with Christmas, I have I resistance to him celebrating Christmas, I am celebrating the holidays with him. Is something going on that’s causing this behavior from you? Is there something you need that I can help with? Are there other circumstances I need to be made aware of? Because this all really feels like it’s coming out of left field. If you have a problem with my parenting, a better approach might be to share that issue with me clearly. Otherwise, I can’t understand what you’re trying to accomplish here?"

I'm letting this roll off my back, much better than I could two years ago, when our son was six months old. I recognized it immediately as projection. So for that I'm feeling the holiday joy!

So, does anybody else have a holiday dysregulation they want to share?

[SaltyDawg]

Shopping stresses out my uBPD wife, and as a result, her triggers are much, much more sensitive.

[Selfishsally]

Every Christmas he waits till last minute to get me anything. He will be away for hours on Christmas Eve while I am alone with the kids, sometimes getting home before they go to bed. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut, because if buying me something brings so much turmoil into his life I just want to tell him to forget about it. But, usually that would lead to me being called ungrateful and what-not. I pick out and buy everyone's presents including his family and  I am so basic, a candle and fuzzy socks would make me happy. Last year, we were still separated and I had to work the holiday and this year still kinda separated but are going to bring the kids to see his parents, so I am curious to see how this goes.

[thankful person]

My wife has announced that she’s going to be fully cooking the roast potatoes and everything as well as Yorkshire puddings from scratch, all for the FIRST TIME EVER on Christmas Day. I’ve always agreed it would be a great thing to do but I’ve always said not on Christmas Day for the FIRST TIME EVER. But I did not point this out I just said, ah what a lovely idea. Wish me luck.

[SaltyDawg]

Thankful Person,

   I've been following your story for a while now.  I wish you a lot of luck especially since you have enabled her, and a suggestion.  Since this is the first time ever, I would suggesting using the 'seed' tool, and strongly suggest starting a full hour if not more sooner than what she anticipates to account for additional cooking time.  If it is overcooked [potatoes and roast] it will taste just fine; however, if it is undercooked, not-so-much.

[thankful person]

Salty Dawg,

Thanks so much for the advice. This is a good seed to plant, especially as our children nap after lunch so will make things even harder if lunch is delayed. I did mention it and my wife said she’d been thinking about adding an extra ten minutes to the expected cooking time… arggh! She’s not great with time anyway, seems to forget things like that it actually takes at least 15 minutes to get everyone in the car to go out. I’m feeling stronger than I was a couple of weeks ago. I find if I can confidently (quietly) tell myself, “you know what? It’s fine that I just said that…” then my wife doesn’t get so angry and treats me with more respect.

[SaltyDawg]

Rephrase it to a few minutes and make sure those few minutes is 60, give or take. Make it ambiguous.

 

[Notwendy]

Thankful person- here's where you keep some snacks on hand for the kids. You and your wife might be eating dinner at 11 pm. At least the kids will not be hungry. Who knows, it might just be the best dinner at 11 pm?

[scraps66]

Sharing to a BP, what's yours, is mine, and what is mine, that's mine too.  hahahahah