How do I manage the fear of triggering my husband to do self harm or suicide?

[UnrequitedLogic]

Hi,

I am new here and yes, I need help. I'm sure someone has asked this question before, but as I tried looking through some posts I decided maybe I'm not quite ready to read the real life stories that surround BPD. One day I will be able to; but, for now the reality is new and I still have a lot to learn. I am seeking out therapy for myself from someone who knows about BPD, but insurance glitches are delaying it.

A couple of years ago, my husband walked into the woods with the intention of not walking back out. I got his text message and just read the first part that indicated his intentions, and immediately called him. I stayed on the phone and talked to him until he got back home. Later that night, I read the rest of it and was completely devastated. It said he had made all these changes and deprived himself of everything that he ever enjoyed for me. I have no idea what he was talking about and still don't. I've never asked him to give up anything. We had fought the night before about some dishonesty, which I find difficult to handle in a relationship. I am in no way perfect or anywhere close. I was blindsided by his attempt and never saw it coming. At that time, I didn't always respond in the best way when I've been lied to or feel attacked. He said it was the way I looked at him; it made him think it was over. I have since learned how to better handle outbursts and conflicts, but I still have a ways to go.

I knew by then he was dealing with something a little more than depression. After looking into it, BPD (the discouraged/quiet type) fit. He agreed once he read the diagnostic criteria. I told him we had to find a therapist ASAP and thankfully he really wanted the help. He seemed relieved to have an answer that explained why he'd been feeling the way he had. The first therapist he saw said he met 7 of the 9 criteria but she didn't want to saddle him with that diagnosis because it carried a lot of stigma. Same with the 2nd therapist. I don't get that because it is what it is, and although the treatment may be similar to other disorders, it still should be tailored to the BPD. Without the proper diagnosis that might not be possible.

A few months ago he was formally diagnosed as BPD and qualifies for 6 week partial hospitalization/intensive outpatient therapy. In the meantime, I'm scared I'm going to look at him wrong or say something wrong. I've downloaded numerous books but find that my mind is going in about 50 different directions and have a hard time retaining what I read. I'm highly empathetic personality-wise and want so much to help someone that's hurting. I can normally put myself in someone else's shoes and see where they are coming from. This is different; it's like trying to put myself in his shoes when one or both of the shoes are missing, metaphorically speaking. I have a hard time understanding his feelings.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. He will self harm from time to time (as I found out a few weeks ago) but has not attempted suicide again. The day after that happened we sat down to talk about it and I asked him if he realized what that would've done to the kids, as well as to me. We would have been left with the question of why did he not love us enough to stay. I feel like that seemed to click, and he hadn't thought about it that way; he started to cry and said he would never do that again. He had always thought of himself as a burden (of which he is not). I'd like to think he'd never do it again, but that would be a dangerous assumption that cannot be made. I feel that it's detrimental to make any assumptions when it comes to BPD. I apologize for this long post, but more than anything I needed to get these thoughts out somehow. This is literally physically making me sick and I can't fix it, no matter how much I'd love to.

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[Sancho]

Hi UnrequitedLogic
I can understand why reading lots of posts etc is difficult at this point in time for you. We are all at different points along the bpd loved one journey, and, to be honest, it is such a complex and demanding journey, sometimes there is little headspace to cope with anything else except day to day living.

I think you are quite a way on the journey when you say 'I would love to fix it but of course I can't'. You have come to an important stage of understanding that we journey 'beside' the person and we 'didn't cause this, we can't control it, and we can't cure it (the three 'C' mantra).

None of us can be sure whether our bpd loved one will carry out the threat of suicide. One thing I noticed is that DH messaged you when he went into the woods. It is not to say that he always would, but he did.

The worry for you is that you could 'trigger' this.

BPD involves intense emotion. I notice from what you say, at one time DH was emersed in what he had given up - because of you - and then later, intense sorry that he is a burden.

It is the intense emotion that I think kept drawing me in and making me feel responsible to 'make it better'. It took a long time to notice the intense emotion usually went by the way and things were brighter - until the next time.

That was a big step for me - not getting drawn into the intense emotion. It was very hard but finally I felt that I was not a hostage to that emotion.

Once I could step back, I no longer felt responsible.

I came across a series of statements about 'Letting go'. The final statement is
Letting go means to fear less and to love more.'

I repeated this statement over and over again and eventually I was able to see that loving was not 'fixing it' - loving was accepting that this was out of my control and not being able to 'fix it' didn't mean I didn't love my BPD child.

I hope you continue to learn and grow in understanding about this journey - it is certainly a challenge at times! Thanks for posting.

[SaltyDawg]

Welcome to BPD Family.

I know you don't think he will try it; however, you mentioned it so many times, as it is very impactful for you.  Just as a gentle reminder...

If your dear husband [DH] has any more suicidal ideations [thinking about it] call the national suicide hotline for assistance, in the USA this is 988.  If he is attempting suicide [actually trying to carry it out] call 911 for immediate help.

Additional recommendations can be found here:  https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

Please do ask about your husband and how you can help him here.  Coping strategies.  Many of us has been where you are now.  My own wife, who refuses to get diagnosed, has tried to kill herself 6 times in front of me, and we have two children together.

You may want to post your questions in a different area of bettering a relationship.

DBT skills are best for dealing with borderlines, there is an immense library of articles on this website too.

When communicating use the SET communication method of Support Empathy Truth.

I know it is overwhelming, it was like learning a foreign language to me.  I am over a thousand hours in, and I am still learning.

Based on what you have said, I would read the 'stop caretaking' book first, since he already has a diagnosis and learn how to manage his personality, the 'eggshells' will aid in understanding BPD a bit more.

While waiting for PHP/IO:

Resources - books - for you
“Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

“Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad

Books for him:

I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

Only you can fix yourself, or fix what you do to make your life more bearable by managing his condition.

Do self-care, whatever that looks like for you, outdoor exercise, long hot shower, getting lost in a book/movie/tv show, spending time with friends, whatever that looks like for you.

Take care, and continue  to ask questions.

[UnrequitedLogic]

Thank you SaltyDawg for such a warm welcome. This site has helped me considerably in the past few days and I am grateful. I'm sorry for what everyone has been through. Even though your situation may be different and likely more painful, I do feel your pain too.

What you said about learning a foreign language really hits a chord, what I've learned so far about BPD and its treatments (and lots of acronyms), that is definitely the case. Not only as far as BPD, but my own personality goes. I spent a while learning about my type before I found out about his ongoing cutting because I feel like I think in a language that's foreign to everyone else. I'm glad to have done it because I believe if I know where I stand and why I respond the way I do, then I can better help him.

I will check into the books you have mentioned. Thank you for your response and in taking the time to share your experience as well as recommend good reading. I'm still learning to navigate this site but it has been a blessing. Best wishes in your continued journey..

[UnrequitedLogic]

Hi UnrequitedLogic
I can understand why reading lots of posts etc is difficult at this point in time for you. We are all at different points along the bpd loved one journey, and, to be honest, it is such a complex and demanding journey, sometimes there is little headspace to cope with anything else except day to day living.

I think you are quite a way on the journey when you say 'I would love to fix it but of course I can't'. You have come to an important stage of understanding that we journey 'beside' the person and we 'didn't cause this, we can't control it, and we can't cure it (the three 'C' mantra).

None of us can be sure whether our bpd loved one will carry out the threat of suicide. One thing I noticed is that DH messaged you when he went into the woods. It is not to say that he always would, but he did.

The worry for you is that you could 'trigger' this.

BPD involves intense emotion. I notice from what you say, at one time DH was emersed in what he had given up - because of you - and then later, intense sorry that he is a burden.

It is the intense emotion that I think kept drawing me in and making me feel responsible to 'make it better'. It took a long time to notice the intense emotion usually went by the way and things were brighter - until the next time.

That was a big step for me - not getting drawn into the intense emotion. It was very hard but finally I felt that I was not a hostage to that emotion.

Once I could step back, I no longer felt responsible.

I came across a series of statements about 'Letting go'. The final statement is
Letting go means to fear less and to love more.'

I repeated this statement over and over again and eventually I was able to see that loving was not 'fixing it' - loving was accepting that this was out of my control and not being able to 'fix it' didn't mean I didn't love my BPD child.

I hope you continue to learn and grow in understanding about this journey - it is certainly a challenge at times! Thanks for posting.

Sancho, I completely agree with everything. It helps to know I'm not the only one to have felt like this. Once he got into therapy regularly,  I asked him about what was in the text he sent. If I did do something, then I feel the need to own it & apologize and change my behavior. He looked at it and looked as puzzled as I was when I read it. He doesn't even remember writing it. Although he does lie from time to time, I can almost always tell by looking at him, and I believe he's telling the truth. It's almost like it was part of a dissociation. Still, there's that scary part in the back of my mind that my actions did cause it. Some of that stems from my own past.

What's even worse, I've seen signs of BPD in our son. Hes had emotional reactions way out of proportion to an offense by one of his sisters (and usually for something he just did to them and laughed about it). Other times he flips out when he thinks he might be left. Some of it may be a normal kid way of reacting. It's definitely something I'm going to pay attention to and maybe ask his pediatrician about. Yet another reason for me to learn the DBT techniques. He had a great deal of trauma a few years ago when he had an incredibly rare autoimmune reaction that made his skin blister and come off. That's traumatic for anyone, but especially a young kid.

I'm going to memorize those statements about letting go. I start therapy tomorrow after getting insurance issues straightened out. I believe both of those along with reading the books SaltyDawg suggested will be a great help.

Thank you for everything!

[SaltyDawg]

What's even worse, I've seen signs of BPD in our son. Hes had emotional reactions way out of proportion to an offense by one of his sisters (and usually for something he just did to them and laughed about it). Other times he flips out when he thinks he might be left. Some of it may be a normal kid way of reacting. It's definitely something I'm going to pay attention to and maybe ask his pediatrician about. Yet another reason for me to learn the DBT techniques. He had a great deal of trauma a few years ago when he had an incredibly rare autoimmune reaction that made his skin blister and come off. That's traumatic for anyone, but especially a young kid.

Get your son into individual Therapy ASAP, if he is pre-pubescent it is likely reversible.

My son is also exhibiting signs, you can read about it here for more details:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=354088.msg13181622#msg13181622

Good luck, take care, and do self-care.

[UnrequitedLogic]

Get your son into individual Therapy ASAP, if he is pre-pubescent it is likely reversible.

You've confirmed what I've been thinking. Getting this taken care of today before he gets to the point where his personality and any underlying disorders are cemented. Even if it doesn't get fully reversed, at the very least it will be mitigated so I'm not waiting for his next peds appointment. My husband has an appointment with his therapist and there is one in that practice that treats children. Thank you!

[SaltyDawg]

UnrequitedLogic,

   You are doing the right thing.  When you setup the therapy, communicate exactly what kind of stuff he has witnessed at the home.

    Just be aware, therapists are mandated reporters.  If there is domestic violence against a child, sibling, or parent, they are required by law to report it and it can get real messy real fast.  They will likely tell you the same thing prior to you telling them anything.  So, if there is hitting/punching/biting/etc.  you will need to test the waters before communicating this to a therapist.  A good therapist will be able to 'read inbetween the lines' you just need to express that you don't want it reported (as it will not be constructive), but it needs to be addressed in therapy.

If you have any other questions, feel free to post here, or send me a PM.

Take care.