Fastest I/D Cycle Ever + Most Alluring Partner Ever

[cellardoor89]

Two years after divorcing my husband of 19 years and struggling with so many recurring idealization/devaluation cycles, I was dating again and was introduced by a friend to someone who I SOMEHOW did not recognize as having the same telltale traits and pathologies. It's hard to overestimate how alluring this person was. It wasn't anything superficial either, the appeal was undeniable.

The cycle this time was SO intense and just ended two weeks ago in a 'soft breakup' within four months. This is after a full holiday season of constant ideations mixed with rage episodes about and towards family, friends, me, and anyone else within a mental distance. He could tell he was wearing me down. I've been there so I approached it exactly how you're supposed to. Calmly asserting that I loved him but that he was crossing boundaries and making me feel emotionally unsafe. After tearfully talking through everything (this was an hours-long conversation), he abruptly ended it with the contention that he knew he was ________ing everything up and that he looked up cognitive distortions - a term I introduced him to, to help him understand that his rage against the people in his inner circle came from a place of having trouble with object constancy. And now he realizes that these distortions fuel his whole life and identity. He wants to work on himself and doesn't want to be an anchor in my life.

I should be thrilled that he did this and that I didn't stay for so long that my sanity was eroded and my nerves shot. Instead I'm reeling somewhere between rage (at both him and myself), grief, and longing. We've been emailing and he never responded to my last one, which was trying to help him make sense of his path forward. And every day I wait for a reply, I get worse and worse. I did objectively love this person. I can't believe I entered into another relationship with someone along this pathology again. I can't believe it happened SO FAST. I can't believe I'm not HAPPY it ended so fast and not by my hand, so I'm not painted as the abandoner.

I don't even know what I'm asking, I mainly just wanted to browse others' stories and feel less ruminate-y. But that's what is going on.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

pwBPD often, at least initially, trip our own need for validation, especially on a rebound. Of course this doesn't last long term, but that is often how they initaily present. Its not until you honestly work out why you are attracted to someone like this, and work on it, will you be able to avoid it.

If I honestly look at my past i have definitely had some near misses before i even knew about this disorder. So they were obviously triggering some need.