whats the protocol with contacting step kids after breakup?

[blackice]

So I'm in a pretty unique situation. I could really use some advice. Partner likely has BPD (undiagnosed). She has 2 girls ages 15/16 that I helped raise for nearly 10 years. Birth dad was never in the picture. We are not married. During a disagreement in January, I had some kind of mental breakdown where I couldn't think straight and knew I had to leave. So I walked out of the house and went to my parent's house where I have remained ever since. After a week we reconnected and decided to try to work things out. Things were mostly going good between us during this time.

She asked me to "fix my relationship with the kids" but I did not do this for 3 reasons: (1) I was truly worried things wouldn't work out and I did not want to drag the kids into relationship drama with ups and downs (2) It felt like she was trying to control my relationship with them which is something I have asked her to stop doing (3) I was/am severely depressed, felt guilty/ashamed and didn't know how to handle things since I wasn't present in the house and the 1 child would give me really angry looks when I visited. Did I make a mistake here by not reaching out to them? In hindsight, I'm pretty sure I did but cannot gauge how big this is - what is the standard protocol with step kids?

Also my mental fog made it really difficult to proceed. I was having a lot of issues focusing and couldn't think very good, couldn't plan dates like I normally can or do very much in general. My parents were worried about me.

After 2 months she broke up with me, mainly because I didn't contact the kids. I knew I had depression but didn't realize I have severe depression until more recently. I have a huge mental fog so I am having major trouble determining how to proceed and need some guidance here. Looking back I realize that she is very sensitive to being ignored because I think that's what her mom did to her and likely caused her childhood trauma.

After the breakup, I tried texting one of the kids several times but it seems to upset my partner and the kid does not respond. I am assuming I should avoid contact with the kids now that we are broken up? I would really like the chance to talk with them and tell them how much I love them and I wasn't avoiding them because I don't love them - that things are really complicated and I am severely depressed. I was just trying to get myself better/healthy so I could be a better person for my family.

She says it's too late for me - I missed my chance. But asks that my parents reach out to the kids because their pain over losing their whole family is huge and they would like reassurance they aren't losing their grandparents and cousins. So that is why I was texting - to invite them to visit the cousins for Easter when the cousins would be in town. I don't feel comfortable having my parents contact them and get in the middle of things - am I wrong here? The kids are welcome to visit any time but I feel like they may not want to do that; that my partner is trying to control things here because I said she was being pushy with regards to my relationship with the kids. I think this comment is what set her off and led to the breakup. I don't want to put the kids in the middle of things.

I just don't know how to proceed. A part of me says just give it some time and see what happens. That, if we reconnect again, the kids would know I love them from all the years we spent together. That I didn't end the relationship so it's not my fault they are losing their family. I feel like maybe she is projecting her guilt on to me and trying to have me fix the problem. I want to help the kids in any way possible but I don't want to make things worse and dig myself into a hole for being the weirdo that is texting her kids after we are broken up... but I am basically their dad so I should get a little leeway here?

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[Couscous]

Hi Blackice,

It sounds like your partner feels that you abandoned the kids, and that this a very sensitive issue for her, and she will probably want to punish you for a while, so don't let that discourage you. I definitely think that the protocol with step-kids is that you try to the best of your ability to stay part of their lives, but it is understandable that with severe depression you were temporarily unable to do that. It sounds like that's what their mother wants for them too, so once all the dust has settled I think that you have a good change of repairing things, even if you don't get back together. It would be good if you could eventually sit down and discuss a visitation schedule of sorts with their mother, possibly with the help of a family counselor, who might even suggest that the four of you have a session together to figure out the way forward. I wish you all the best.