20 years I have come to the conclusion that things won't change

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It seems that boundaries don't matter and red flags are completely ignored.

I've tried my best and reached the point that this is throwing in the towel.

They don't want to change, they don't want councillors and why should I support someone who deliberately does things they know are upsetting and doesn't contribute to household expenses.

Is there a kind way to put them out to find their own way, a domestic abuse charity said just change the locks.

[ViciousCircle]

It seems that boundaries don't matter and red flags are completely ignored.

I've tried my best and reached the point that this is throwing in the towel.

They don't want to change, they don't want councillors and why should I support someone who deliberately does things they know are upsetting and doesn't contribute to household expenses.

Is there a kind way to put them out to find their own way, a domestic abuse charity said just change the locks.

[kells76]

Hi ViciousCircle, welcome back.

Sounds like you are realizing that the relationship may need to end. It's interesting that you're wondering if there's a kind way to physically part ways. My first thought is that kindness isn't necessarily niceness. Whatever you choose to do to end the relationship may be interpreted as "not nice", or might even be "not nice", yet it can still be the most loving thing to do for both of you. So, that can be an idea to hold on to -- obviously, don't purposefully be unkind, but know that whatever you do, even from the best motivations, might be seen or interpreted as "so mean" or "completely cruel" or "unkind". Know inside yourself that you are acting with integrity, attempting to be kind, and not purposefully being punitive. Other than that, you likely can't control her perception, or what she tells others.

Getting to more specifics -- I saw in your other post that you have a son. Is that your partner's son as well?

It's good that you reached out to a domestic abuse charity. Are they able to offer more legal advice surrounding changing the locks?

Is the house in your name only, both your names...? Rental or owned?

If you decide to end the relationship, there'll likely be a few different areas to work on: doing what's best for your son, having safety and legal stuff covered, and then working on your own emotional process. I definitely noticed a few of those in your post. Sometimes knowing what you have to do legally and safety-wise can help "funnel" the rest of your decisions and processing.

Keep us posted;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

Getting to more specifics -- I saw in your other post that you have a son. Is that your partner's son as well?

changing the locks? ... Is the house in your name only, both your names...? Rental or owned?

If you decide to end the relationship, there'll likely be a few different areas to work on: doing what's best for your son, having safety and legal stuff covered, and then working on your own emotional process.

These are good aspects to consider.  As my observation, I would include this as well ... what you can do now even before voicing your intentions or taking action is to (1) privately and confidentially consult some attorneys, lawyers or solicitors so you can grasp the various issues, complicated legal pitfalls of unwinding your relationship and possible strategies for success before mentioning the topic to your partner and (2) interview some counselors and choose one who seems most helpful for your needs and circumstances.

Once you know where you stand, then in the future you can arrange for your minor child to also benefit from objective counseling.  If this is also your partner's child then this may be a matter for a court or mediator to step in if your partner opposes.  (My lawyer told me, Courts love counseling!)

Lawyers can advise you which steps you can take and when, as well as which actions need legal processes in place first.  For example, you may not be legally entitled to simply lock out your partner if this is partner's current residence.  Follow the rules... and some rules may have legal basis yet not appear to make common sense to you or me.

Same goes about legal advice with respect to how to handle child exchanges and parenting schedule, of course if your partner is also the legal parent.

You don't have to hire the first lawyer you interview.  Lawyers often offer inexpensive consultations to hear an outline of your circumstances and then offer possible strategies and legal support as needed.