It's funny how I can predict the pattern

[Bella2798]

Hi again.
It's been a good month until now for us. Managing to work and handle our jobs, made good progress in the topics about my partner's health, even managed to get a referral letter from his GP for a therapist.
But things got rough lately. He felt so down these two days, and even disconnected. From the way he reacted to my sentences I could say that there will be another break up and splitting episode. And it happened tonight. Just like the last one, it was about the words I say that drives him mad.
Still confused, but I know it's not going to be rational at all.
I don't know how to feel but I feel a bit calmer than the last episode. Maybe this calmness won't last but that's how it's going for now. I don't even know why I wrote this topic but I felt like I have to.

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[outhere]

about the words I say that drives him mad

My uBPDw also focuses very closely on the words people choose.  It seems to me like a way of distracting themselves from the real problems and putting blame onto something external (which, lucky us, is often us!).  Take care and thanks for sharing - having a rough night over here as well!

[Bella2798]

My uBPDw also focuses very closely on the words people choose.  It seems to me like a way of distracting themselves from the real problems and putting blame onto something external (which, lucky us, is often us!).  Take care and thanks for sharing - having a rough night over here as well!

I'm so sorry to hear that, nights are the worst for me because I have no distractions. I hope everything will get better for you.

And I kinda agree with you. It seems like they're just in so much pain and they prefer to put the blame on us rather than seeing the painful reason in their lives. It also seems he was overwhelmed by the fact that he likes to talk to me and he can't manage it to study more. Nothing was said about this in our fight but I was just looking back at all the stuff he shared before, etc. I don't know, maybe I'm making this up too so I can feel better. :-)

[Bella2798]

There's another thing on my mind after this episode. I'm thinking if I should take what he says seriously. Like, I know when he really means my sentence/my tone/etc makes him mad or I hurt him with what I said. But I don't know if I should take what he says angrily seriously and personally.
Last night he said he really hates me so much and he has hated me all these years, and I'm no match for him because I'm not a deep person. And I'm a dumb spoiled girl who has humble, small thoughts and problems. I know many of these sentences are just slurs and could be a part of his anger issues, but I'm thinking did he really mean all these? Because I couldn't sense a bit of these the other times. Maybe he was masking? I don't know.

[Notwendy]

If anything, the predictability helps to not take the episodes so personally.

As to the insults, what if I called you a pink elephant? Would you be upset? I hope not. I hope you would think I was crazy, you are certain you are not an elephant, and my saying you are won't make you one.

Put all he said about you into that pink elephant category.

[Bella2798]

If anything, the predictability helps to not take the episodes so personally.

As to the insults, what if I called you a pink elephant? Would you be upset? I hope not. I hope you would think I was crazy, you are certain you are not an elephant, and my saying you are won't make you one.

Put all he said about you into that pink elephant category.

Dear Notwendy, I guess I can remember you've told me this once before (if it wasn't you telling another person that I read) and it's funny to myself that I haven't learned this yet. :-)
It seems my mind makes some excuses, like: "well he was right, he has bigger problems and you talked like wanting a lemon was the biggest problem you've ever had" (the fight was over me telling him that I had some sort of lemonade after walking for 10km and I really liked that because I was thirsty and I was craving for lemons, then he started the fight and told me it's so silly and spoiled of me like I've craved salt or something and I'm childish, etc).
Thanks for the example, I was really wondering if he's felt about me like that all the time. Even though he sometimes says he uses those words intentionally to hurt me, my mind still is not used to this situation. I hope I can work on this.

[thankful person]

Hi Bella, I’m glad to hear things have stabilised a little for you, but also that you can predict a pattern. You sound like you’re feeling a bit stronger and it also helps to know you’re not alone, as in we have all experienced similar if you’re in this group. It’s the same with my wife. She has been split on me for nearly six months, and I’m still not sure if she’s going to get over it. I feel like she’s trying to see the good in me but really struggling with it. Still I feel stronger to know that was about to happen when suddenly she says, “I thought things were getting better between us but you’ve just ruined everything like you always do…”
I remember not Wendy sharing the pink elephant idea with me too. I find it useful, especially when I’m criticised for how I look after the children. I have been working with pre-schoolers for nearly 30 years and I’m highly qualified! But my wife still constantly criticises me for things like not putting a nappy on correctly, the baby’s bath water being the wrong temperature, the way I work with our eldest on speech therapy, the way I handle our toddler’s tantrums and the list goes on. It’s been like this since our first was born. I used to scream about how dare you screech at me for this when I know exactly what I’m doing. Of course that wasn’t helpful at all. With me trying not to defend so much, my wife screeches a lot less. I also play the sarcastic attitude too sometimes. Like I was told off because the baby vomited a tiny bit and apparently it was because I didn’t burp him which I have to do every time I hold him. And I just said, “yes I’ve always been a terrible parent, I’ll just have to keep trying.” She couldn’t think of a response to that.

[Bella2798]

Hi Bella, I’m glad to hear things have stabilised a little for you, but also that you can predict a pattern. You sound like you’re feeling a bit stronger and it also helps to know you’re not alone, as in we have all experienced similar if you’re in this group. It’s the same with my wife. She has been split on me for nearly six months, and I’m still not sure if she’s going to get over it. I feel like she’s trying to see the good in me but really struggling with it. Still I feel stronger to know that was about to happen when suddenly she says, “I thought things were getting better between us but you’ve just ruined everything like you always do…”
I remember not Wendy sharing the pink elephant idea with me too. I find it useful, especially when I’m criticised for how I look after the children. I have been working with pre-schoolers for nearly 30 years and I’m highly qualified! But my wife still constantly criticises me for things like not putting a nappy on correctly, the baby’s bath water being the wrong temperature, the way I work with our eldest on speech therapy, the way I handle our toddler’s tantrums and the list goes on. It’s been like this since our first was born. I used to scream about how dare you screech at me for this when I know exactly what I’m doing. Of course that wasn’t helpful at all. With me trying not to defend so much, my wife screeches a lot less. I also play the sarcastic attitude too sometimes. Like I was told off because the baby vomited a tiny bit and apparently it was because I didn’t burp him which I have to do every time I hold him. And I just said, “yes I’ve always been a terrible parent, I’ll just have to keep trying.” She couldn’t think of a response to that.

Dear thankfulperson, thank you so much for telling me I sound a bit stronger. :D it seems I'm in desperate need of hearing this these days. I guess I've messed up more than I thought I would, especially with the matter of my partner's chronic illness, it's been a hard time for us even after managing all those stuff. I think a month of making things work has given me a boost in my confidence. Maybe? I hope so. :-)
I'm so sorry for what you hear from you wife. From what I've read from you until now you seem like a very caring parent to me and you definitely don't deserve to hear those stuff, especially from your wife.
I guess I've also tried standing up to him, answering back and it sometimes worked (he even encouraged me himself to maintain my boundaries and not let him say whatever he wants) but I don't think it will work again. I had even played the victim role (unconsciously, but I'm ashamed of myself for that) and of course it was totally toxic. Last night I didn't try to defend myself, not calmly nor angrily. I didn't say much. Just some OKs and that sort of words. He blocked me and I saw that he has unblocked me again in the morning, but we haven't talked until now. I knew explaining myself won't help. Maybe I try sarcasm too the next time. :-)

[Notwendy]

When someone complains about us, a criteria is- can I change this and do I want to? If someone is upset because I don't put the cap on the toothpastes, well OK, I can change that, and I am willing to do that. My tone of speech? That's part anatomy and part what language we grew up with. Trained actors can learn to do different accents for a movie role and they work with speech therapists to learn that. We have the anatomy for speech that we are born with. Are you willing to complete speech therapy and have plastic surgery in order to change that? I hope not, and you know it won't solve the issue, he would find something else.

I am not suggesting you say anything to your BF that is reactive to that kind of thing, but if he says "I don't like your tone of voice or the way you speak" at some point you can reply- well let's continue this conversation when you feel you can hear it" and disengage. If you defend, beg, that gives attention to this. I think you are probably afraid to do this at the moment, but really, it's not kind to you when he does this. You don't have to give it attention.

[Bella2798]

When someone complains about us, a criteria is- can I change this and do I want to? If someone is upset because I don't put the cap on the toothpastes, well OK, I can change that, and I am willing to do that. My tone of speech? That's part anatomy and part what language we grew up with. Trained actors can learn to do different accents for a movie role and they work with speech therapists to learn that. We have the anatomy for speech that we are born with. Are you willing to complete speech therapy and have plastic surgery in order to change that? I hope not, and you know it won't solve the issue, he would find something else.

I am not suggesting you say anything to your BF that is reactive to that kind of thing, but if he says "I don't like your tone of voice or the way you speak" at some point you can reply- well let's continue this conversation when you feel you can hear it" and disengage. If you defend, beg, that gives attention to this. I think you are probably afraid to do this at the moment, but really, it's not kind to you when he does this. You don't have to give it attention.

I've found that begging, or trying to explain won't work when he's that much mad. So I try to avoid such behaviors recently. I just apologize when I think I've really hurt him with my words, even if it was unwanted.
But I guess such sentences like "well let's continue this conversation when you feel you can hear it" only adds fuel to the fire of his anger and rage. Then I'll be accused of trying to act mature and not care enough for his needs, behaving selfish, as it has happened before. I try to give no reaction at all. In all the conversation until he blocked me, the only reaction I had was when he said just let go of me leave me alone. I just replied something like okay. Maybe this is a passive behavior but I'm not sure what else I can say to manage to situation better. I think when he's on the edge of splitting on me (and experiencing intense feelings) nothing can reverse the pattern.

[Notwendy]

In general, the person who is saying these things has no incentive to stop- because it works for him in some way, probably to deal with his own uncomfortable feelings. It would only stop if the other person decides to not listen to it.

I think it helps to understand that this choice is yours. You can't control his behavior, he says what he says. Your choice is to decide it's acceptable or not. This isn't a great choice to have- clearly nobody wants to be insulted like that, but your choice at the moment is to hold on to this relationship no matter what because changing your response- not being the person that meets his needs, might risk the relationship. If this is what meets his needs, then you'd rather accept this than risk him feeling you are not meeting his needs.

No judgement here, but I think knowing this is what you want, even if it includes these splitting moments, may make you feel more empowered about your decisions. It may be that being passive and just listening and saying OK is for you, the better way to stay attached to him. This is your relationship to choose what to do in. You know him better than anyone else and it seems that he's worth it to you, even though this is a part of the relationship you'd wish didn't happen.

[Bella2798]

In general, the person who is saying these things has no incentive to stop- because it works for him in some way, probably to deal with his own uncomfortable feelings. It would only stop if the other person decides to not listen to it.

I think it helps to understand that this choice is yours. You can't control his behavior, he says what he says. Your choice is to decide it's acceptable or not. This isn't a great choice to have- clearly nobody wants to be insulted like that, but your choice at the moment is to hold on to this relationship no matter what because changing your response- not being the person that meets his needs, might risk the relationship. If this is what meets his needs, then you'd rather accept this than risk him feeling you are not meeting his needs.

No judgement here, but I think knowing this is what you want, even if it includes these splitting moments, may make you feel more empowered about your decisions. It may be that being passive and just listening and saying OK is for you, the better way to stay attached to him. This is your relationship to choose what to do in. You know him better than anyone else and it seems that he's worth it to you, even though this is a part of the relationship you'd wish didn't happen.

Your post showed me something I've been trying to see by myself, I guess.
I can say all those insults are not acceptable for me, but as you said, to be honest, I deeply believe that he's worth it. I don't mean tolerating all those (although it seems like this, I don't know if I'm making sense) but I see much more positive points in my relationship and partner, than letting it all go at least to this day. It's an inner thought, that I think I can decide better after he's gotten the help he needs. I guess the reason I don't take that risk is that, I see that he's willing to become better, and he's aware of his toxic behaviors, and he tries to grow with all the limited stuff he has now. I don't even know if I make sense now. I hope I don't sound crazy. :-)

[Bella2798]

Another feeling I've experienced recently but just could adress it today was a feeling of anger I guess.
My partner unlocked me a bit after the time he blocked me first, and I tried to contact him (a personal message so he knows we can talk whenever he feels calmer without fighting and I support him, and a message I had to send him about a medical question we got an answer to). No response at all. All my messages are seen but there's no answer to them.
This ignoring makes me really angry. I feel unseen and unimportant, like all I was to him was an icon in the apps and not more, and I didn't deserve even an answer, so he didn't even bother to tell me if he doesn't want me to text him. I know it's not our first break up/his first splitting episode and probably I've seen this behavior before (my friend says she remembers but I don't) but after 10 years, it's really painful. Probably I wasn't just aware of my feelings deeply before to recognize this feeling.

[Notwendy]

In these relationships the patterns are between both people. Just as his behavior is familiar to you, yours is to him. For whatever his reasons are for his behavior- perhaps to project his uncomfortable feelings- he does this, and your response is to stay true and loyal to him, reach out when he's angry- that is your familiar response. Why should he stop doing this when it serves his needs?

The problem is, he gets his needs met and you are the one who is hurt and angry. These are your feelings and feelings are there to inform us. You feel hurt and angry for a reason- he said mean things to you and has blocked you.

Here is the dilemma- this behavior serves your boyfriend's needs in some way, so he doesn't have the incentive to change his behavior. You are the one who feels hurt and angry. You can't change him but you can change your response to his behavior. The problem for you is the risk, because it steps into unfamiliar possibilities. He might get angry. In fact, it's probable he would get angry. He would have to decide, is this worth it to him to continue the relationship if he's not getting the usual response. Would he change his behavior? Is he able to change it? These are unknown outcomes. You already know the familiar pattern, so doing the same thing you usually do will likely have the same results. Changing your behavior brings the possibility of him behaving better, or perhaps not, but the outcome isn't known.

Changing your behavior doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, but it involves changing your responses to his behavior and leaving the choice of how he would respond up to him. It doesn't mean you act out with him but disengaging from the conversation when he says these things, or not reaching out when he blocks you are some ideas.

What makes people decide to change their behavior? It's when the emotional cost to them of continuing to do the same thing is greater than the benefit of the behavior to them. For now, you tolerate his behavior, even if it feels hurtful to you because your wish to hold on to the relationship is greater than that.