Getting out of the Cycle

[Sim123]

I have been lurking these boards for weeks now and am finally feeling like maybe I'm ready to ask for support from this community. Mainly, I just need to talk. I have been in an incredibly tumultuous relationship for the past 2 years with a friend and coworker of about 8 years. We jumped into this relationship way to soon after getting out of other problematic long term relationships. Obviously, like many relationships here, it started out utopic. My therapist at the time would get me to recognize how this new relationship could help me learn healthy communication and relationship habits and how I could learn to open up and overcome some of my own dependent attachment issues.

Fast forward 8 months and my perfect partner dumped me and went on a few dates with another coworker -- meanwhile denying they were dates. Then she asked me back. I made some major life changes to move closer to her, and we became neighbors. Early on I could see that the obsessive and perfect nature of the relationship was possibly a problem, but after this first breakup cycle I was in full denial. We've probably had 5 more breakups since then, once because she invited herself up to said coworker's house to talk after a night out...

Eventually, my therapist suggested that my partner possibly had BPD or another mental health issue that was influencing her to treat me cruelly and abusively. The BPD relationship cycle felt like I had written in when I came across it. I took this seriously and started looking into it, but because I was so stuck in the cycle, I chose to believe my therapist was being too quick to judge and that therapeutic relationship deteriorated. I kept going back to my ex, then I'd find myself feeling insecure and detached from reality thinking she'd leave me, then she would and I'd beg for her back.

I finally resolved to break the cycle. I have wonderful mutual friends who saw that something was clearly not normal with her behavior after another bad breakup she threw at me. They agreed to support me and her and learn about responding to BPD. My partner was lashing out at friends and coworkers who were trying to help and would only seek my support. In an attempt to support my community, I felt I had the capacity to support my ex at a distance until the storm calmed and we could get to a place to communicate positively and support each other in separating.

I went over a week without sleeping with her. I gave her tons of space, didn't react emotionally to her attempts at making me feel bad, but was there when she needed help (she claimed to have an illness for over a week the day after begging I come back to her). I was clear and consistent in my communication and tried to always come from a place of honest love and support. I have been working with a new therapist and had been making so much progress. I was also doing things for myself and rebuilding strength I had lost.

After she got better, she expressed a desire to communicate, but she tended to avoid it when I brought it up over the next couple
days. She was acting so happy and supportive, but I made sure to avoid falling back into romantic patterns. She would keep inviting me over to dinner, and then would call me for an hour or two on facetime after I'd walk home. It seemed like she was feeling a little manic in her attempts to reconnect and the ways she was talking.

Last night, after having dinner, I let her know I was going home. She wanted to walk me home which was strange, invited herself up, dragged me to bed and revealed a sexy lingerer outfit on under clothes. We had remarkable sex and then she said she didn't want to be my girlfriend immediately after. I didn't cry, I didn't really even react emotionally. I knew I was waiting for this moment and I couldn't continue this relationship. I could sense that righteous anger coming out of her, and I calmly told her I understood all of this was too hard, that she didn't need to explain herself, and that she didn't owe me anything and didn't need to worry about me. The only bit of anger I showed was when I told her it would have been easier if she hadn't slept with me, but I let it get brushed off and wasn't harsh. She asked me to tell her everything that I was thinking, but I told her it wasn't a good moment and that I was accepting of her needs and didn't hold anything against her.

Obviously I feel like a total dweeb. I was doing so well, being so strong, and so resolved to move forward in the healthiest and most patient way possible, but I just opened myself up to feel used. I'm embarrassed at the energy I've sucked from our community and the weakness I showed in letting my guard back down. I reached out this morning and let her know that I wasn't ignoring her or trying to give her the silent treatment, but that I needed space to reflect on my boundaries. She responded in a tone of supreme confidence and agreement and it just felt brutally alienating. She's never apologized for anything accept trying her hardest.

I guess I'm still moving forward. I'm not stuck in the same cycle, but I let myself get walloped there. I just don't want things to get bad at work. We had travel plans together with friends, and now that's gone. I have to pick the pieces of my life back up and come to grips with the neglect of my own life that I've surrendered to her for two years. I hate having to keep all this struggle and the open wounds from her. She has no concept of the pain she caused or the mistakes she made and I have to accept that. What's sad, is that we had so many shared values, desires, and interests. It's hard to imagine finding someone who could align with so much, but then you think, was that just the BPD? Was all of this a lie? It's the same story a million times. Damn, it's hard...

[Biggus]

My therapist at the time would get me to recognize how this new relationship could help me learn healthy communication and relationship habits and how I could learn to open up and overcome some of my own dependent attachment issues.

Hi Sim!

Thinking ideally that's not a bad idea, if you only would meet a really kind soul, but as we know it doesn't always go like that. You can overcome attachment issues with a right person, but then again with a wrong one you'll probably end up developing new ones.

At least in my opinion, it's probably better to spend a while alone thinking about who exactly you are, what is it that you really want and need from a relationship, what are the red flags when dating, and also just to learn to enjoy life on your own.

Obviously I feel like a total dweeb. I was doing so well, being so strong, and so resolved to move forward in the healthiest and most patient way possible, but I just opened myself up to feel used. I'm embarrassed at the energy I've sucked from our community and the weakness I showed in letting my guard back down. I reached out this morning and let her know that I wasn't ignoring her or trying to give her the silent treatment, but that I needed space to reflect on my boundaries. She responded in a tone of supreme confidence and agreement and it just felt brutally alienating. She's never apologized for anything accept trying her hardest.

Yes, she won't apologize, possibly because in her black and white world, that would make her feel like a monster, and her frail identity couldn't really handle that. She will perhaps apologize later, but most likely only if she needs something from you.

I like how you describe "She responded in a tone of supreme confidence and agreement and it just felt brutally alienating." I think I can recognize that tone, my ex had this when she was berating me for not being there for her, this soon after I had experienced about the saddest event in my life. I didn't expect anything from her other than companionship in hard times, but guess for her it wasn't that meaningful because it wasn't a part of HER life, and she became both tired of playing compassionate and not being the center of my attention.

Part of the BPD picture, in my experience is your value, you are not important as who you are, instead you are rated and criticized all the time by your performance.

I don't think there's a reason to feel dweeb. She was "playing the game" with a different ruleset. Judging by my history, as I was foolish enough to get back together with my ex, I should be the one to feel really dumb, but I don't. The second time basically answered all my questions which were left after the first time, and made it clear how really impossible the idea of I and her together is.

This advice is hard to master but "be kind to yourself, and accept what has happened, as you can only learn from it." You can be stronger when you're getting stronger.

I guess I'm still moving forward. I'm not stuck in the same cycle, but I let myself get walloped there. I just don't want things to get bad at work. We had travel plans together with friends, and now that's gone. I have to pick the pieces of my life back up and come to grips with the neglect of my own life that I've surrendered to her for two years. I hate having to keep all this struggle and the open wounds from her. She has no concept of the pain she caused or the mistakes she made and I have to accept that. What's sad, is that we had so many shared values, desires, and interests. It's hard to imagine finding someone who could align with so much, but then you think, was that just the BPD? Was all of this a lie? It's the same story a million times. Damn, it's hard...

Maybe you had some shared values etc. but seems like she failed you in the very core ones, like being loyal, honest, direct and trustworthy. Maybe she was being the best version of her with you, but nevertheless she left you feeling like you do.

Trust is the main thing in a relationship, and everytime when your mind comes up with a bunch of questions and what ifs, you should ask yourself "But could I trust her?" That habit has helped me to overcome what felt like endless second guessing.

You said you had travel plans with friends, why not to make your own travel plans? We had plans when we broke up with my ex, but then I came up with my own plans and left for a very long trip on a shoestring budget, which really helped me to see the positives in the world and my life. Maybe something like this could help you to forget and sort of reset?

[Sim123]

Hey Biggus,

I read your reply this morning and it's already been so helpful. I've had multiple interactions with my ex and I've reflected on the phrase "but can I trust her?" before replying to each. It's helped me remain calm and detached from my emotions. I have ADHD, so I can often cycle through some pretty intense thoughts, but these "anchor thoughts" are quite helpful for me to regain focus. As we are in the boundary setting phase, I am realizing I need a lot of references back to reality to keep me from becoming unsure of myself.

[cranmango]

Hey there Sim—just wanted to drop some words of empathy and encouragement. My story is very similar to yours. I’m just a few steps farther along the path, coming up on 11 months post breakup. You’ve been through a whirlwind. In the immediate aftermath, it’s totally normal to feel confused and to second guess yourself. That sounds like a very chaotic relationship, right up until the very end. You are not a dweeb. You were treated poorly by a partner who took you for granted, hurt you, and showed no accountability.

It’s gets easier, I promise. I know that probably sounds hollow at the moment. I still have hard days. But it does slowly get easier. Lately I’ve started to get back in touch with pieces of myself that had gone dormant during the relationship with my ex. Even little things like listening to music I used to like (but couldn’t listen to around my ex). I feel my systems coming back online, slowly but surely.

Get to know yourself again. And get in touch with your boundaries, too. Maintained contact with your ex at work will require clear boundaries. It’s been a real learning curve for me. This community is here to help.

[Biggus]

Hey Biggus,

I read your reply this morning and it's already been so helpful. I've had multiple interactions with my ex and I've reflected on the phrase "but can I trust her?" before replying to each. It's helped me remain calm and detached from my emotions. I have ADHD, so I can often cycle through some pretty intense thoughts, but these "anchor thoughts" are quite helpful for me to regain focus. As we are in the boundary setting phase, I am realizing I need a lot of references back to reality to keep me from becoming unsure of myself.

Hi Sim,

I'm happy you found it helpful. I also have ADHD, I love it, feels like it's a creative but weird life long partner, but on the flip side it can be creative in ways that aren't always helpful, so just like you I also use and try to come up with these anchor thoughts to remind me what's really important.

[Sim123]

Thanks so much Biggus and Cranmango. I will say, in this last week since posting, things have gotten much more complicated and difficult, but my strength, certainty, and resolve has only grown. I've come to truly understand what it means for a pwBPD to not be able to grasp breaking up. The more secure I am, the more angry and resentful she becomes. The more vulnerable and open I am, the more she tries to manipulate. The thing that is difficult for me to grasp is why this isn't obvious to her? The contrast is so intense. She broke up with me, she blames me for everything, she claims I disrespected and belittled her. So let me go? I tell her that our relationship is not good for each other, that seeing each other or interacting causes problems and she tells me she's confused, like I don't want her. I can see the love and hate coexisting in the same text messages -- it's baffling, but I just learn to accept it and celebrate whenever I reinforce boundaries. My new struggle is no longer processing this relationship, it's that her dysregulation is pouring into my work and personal life, and I worry that as the distance continues to grow, so do her unstable behaviors. I've asked her to get therapy, and she said she is open, but when the moment comes to follow through, she refuses.