Broke up less than a week ago after being assaulted

[billhater]

TW: Assault, abuse

I don't know where else to go to feel validated right now. I had been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half and over time she began to show more and more signs of BPD. She had tried talk therapy, a mental hospital and DBT but never seemed receptive to anything. I didn't want to define it for her because I wasn't sure but after a while she began to own it in an oddly self-righteous way. I can't remember exactly if she ever got a proper diagnosis but the more I think about her the more it makes sense.

It just sucks so much. I've loved her and endured her screaming and throwing things and ignoring me immediately after needing all the love in the world. I always thought it was worth it because I just loved her so much and knew she could get better. I never wanted to give up. I thought if I provided happiness to this person that they could be happy and make me happy too.

I never could've expected what the breaking point was. I was assaulted less than a week before we broke up. I also caught COVID (from her) and have had health complications since. All I needed was for her to be there for me through that. Not even for a month, I just wanted a week.

But she'd come over for three nights in a row because she wanted to make sure I felt safe. This would often mean her coming over at 9pm to do homework for 2 hours and then go to sleep. I didn't really mind because at least she was with me, but every night just became about her. And how she was doing so much for me and that I started asking for too much. I couldn't be upset about anything without her getting more upset than me.

Then less than a week after the assault, while I still could barely move around due to COVID, we had a fight because she wanted to go to a nightclub within the same week I was assaulted in one. I just thought it was a simple ask to not trigger me for at least a week. And then she ignored me for 24 hours while she was getting drunk with her brand new friends while I was just begging for her to make me feel safe and not alone. I never told her this but it was the same nightclub.

Over the course of this 24 hours I realized I couldn't go through what had just happened again and started lose hope that I wouldn't. And then she accused me of cheating instead of being assaulted and I don't know how to explain that other than the worst feeling in the world. The one person you want to take care of you abandons you and doesn't even believe your trauma. She also told me that I was being selfish and putting too much pressure on the relationship. She's asked for so much more of me probably a thousand times and I always gave it. If she needed me to stay home, even if it was just because she was in a bad mood, I'd do it. And she knew I would. I had just taken care of her throughout the entire time she was sick. I made her food and kept her water bottle full and held her and tried to make her feel comfortable.

I realized that I had to decide between her and self respect so I broke up with her. I was angry and got out everything I had been thinking. How she'd been abusive, dismissive and selfish and that I couldn't take it anymore. But why do I still feel like I'm the one who got their heart broken? It's so horrible. I wanted to be with her forever and thought I could take every punch, but I couldn't do this.

I blocked her on everything and occasionally feel a genuine confidence in the fact that I know I can stand up for myself. But I still miss her so much. I've never broken up with anybody before, which I guess is a testament to how much I'll take. This is just more confusing than anything I've ever been through. Why do I hate her and love her at the same time? It makes me sick.

If anyone has any advice to offer, please do. Some days I feel good because I asserted my self worth. Some days I feel bad because this is something I never wanted to do. I really need help. I feel so alone. Thank you.