Girlfriend has BPD and I’m struggling

[Jordanmark]

Hi everyone,

Hope this group can help me, my girlfriend has BPD and recently it seems to have deteriorated more hurtful things constantly putting me down, saying nasty things being extremely unpredictable sitting there waiting for her to wake up praying she’s in a good mood and this has gone on for weeks I’ve tried talking to her about it but she just doesn’t understand my point. I feel like leaving but I really do love her. But my life can’t carry on like this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pricklypickle]

Hi Jordanmark,

Unfortunately, bad mood, putdowns, and criticism are a symptom of most types of BPD.
Here's what not to do:
1) Hoping that your girlfriend will see her unreasonable behavior and start acting reasonably.
2) Thinking that if you just keep enduring it, then it will eventually pass
3) Letting her treat you how she pleases because you love her and you understand that she only treats you this way because of her difficult past

Here's what you should do instead:
1) Understand that at this moment in time, your girlfriend is ill, and that her hurtful behavior is part of who she currently is, and not just an unfortunate addon to an otherwise kind and loving person
2) Know your self esteem, and realize that even though you love her, you are not willing to submit to a lifetime of being put down, criticized, and treated badly.
3) Think of yourself first and think very well about what behavior and remarks you're willing to accept from her, and what you're not willing to accept.
4) Learn ways to establish boundaries and respond appropriately when she acts in a way you don't find acceptable.
5) Redefine your expectations of the relationship, keeping in mind that people with BPD don't have the capacity to have normal, loving, stable relationships like most people. Understand that treating BPD is possible, but it's a long and difficult process that might never truly end.
6) Be prepared to leave the relationship if your girlfriend is unable to make any changes or respect the limits you set up.

The most important point that will determine the success of your relationship is point 4).
Your girlfriend's bad mood and frequent criticisms and putdowns will be a constant in your relationship in the foreseeable future. The variable is how you respond to it. Knowing how to respond in the right way will not only improve your well being in the moment, but also reduce the frequency and severity of future lashing-out.
Note that there's no perfect way to respond to bpd behavior that will save you completely. People with BPD experience extreme negative emotions and behave hurtfully towards other as a consequence. As you will learn to better react to bpd behavior, the person with bpd will also evolve their attacks and will consistently find new chinks in your armor.

Best of luck.