Adult daughter age 34 untreated...what input do you have?

[Easyreader]

Our adult daughter displays many BPD symptoms, plus what appears to be female narcissism. She lives next door on our farm. Suffice to say it is a difficult, challenging relationship. We provide a house and a lot of financial help.Basically, we are her support system. She works from time to time, but can't maintain her own life, let alone care for the kids.

My biggest concern is for her children. Fortunately, our daughter needs our help to raise them, so we have relationship with them.

 The children, girls ages 10 and 12, lived with us almost full time until just a month ago when adult daughter announced they were living at her house. She got them phones and they stay up all night on phones. Kids have mental health issues as well, but adult daughter refuses to get treatment for them. Daughter is overwhelmed with most of life.

 I try to figure ways to help the kids to have interaction with friends, take the kids to the beach, grocery store, or other event. I put frozen food that the children like in their freezer and feed them whenever possible. I also empathize about mom's anger and encourage logical thinking in the one child who has BPD thinking when stressed.

 While my greatest concern is for the children, I also wish things could be different with the adult daughter. The adult daughter does not want to be told anything regarding mental health. I doubt that she even thinks that BPD could be a diagnosis for her. She does acknowledge adhd symptoms and takes Adderall. I suggested an antipsychotic that worked for her as a late teen and she told me not to talk to her about meds again.
 
 I am open to hearing what others have done in similar situations. I have done a ton of research both online and through books so that I understand what is going on and learn to cope both in my own mind and when speaking or interacting with the adult daughter.
 Thank you for your input.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Easyreader
I have read your post a few times because some aspects of your situation are similar to my current situation. In my case until about 3 years ago it was mostly gd and I - then dd came home (she had been on and off previously).

You have done an amazing job rearing your gds while negotiating interacting with your dd. All the work you have done, reading, understanding etc you have put to good use.

This change must be very difficult - as I have found in my situation. Is there a routine that the children have been able to keep up? Going to school etc?

I wish I could spell out a formula that works in these situations. I have had to step back and let dd and gd work things out. I get played against, blamed etc so it is not at all easy. From being responsible for gd, I have had to step back and . . . well I am anticipating lots of problems.

You seem to be doing all that you can. Your dd doesn't want your suggestions - but she knows what you think, and she might take up the options at some point.

How are your gds coping with the move? Do they seem to be unhappy, angry? Given your dd won't take steps to help her condition, she will need you to keep supporting her and the children - which in one way will benefit the children.

You have done an amazing job and you have the skills to respond to this new situation. It will be a great challenge, but I think you will handle it in the best possible way in the circumstances.

[Easyreader]

Bless your heart! I so appreciate your encouragement. And your experience. Gd's and dd do need our help and that does translate into giving the gd's a different view of life and a place to express their needs and feelings in an empathetic environment.
May you find peace and joy in your life despite the difficulties you face. Thank you for sharing with me. It helps.