Feeling hopeless

[Sookielk]

My adult son has been diagnosed with BPD. His entire life has been chaotic to say the least. I had him when I was very young his father, and I divorced when he was six and his father had very little almost nothing to do with him growing up. I struggled and we moved a lot, although I always worked and kept a roof over our heads. I was not a drunk or a drug user, but I think throughout his childhood, I was very preoccupied with trying to find a way to get ahead, and as I mentioned before I was very young when he was born so I take some responsibility for his problems.
Right now he is in another state because a few years ago he followed a girlfriend out there and got in trouble with the law. I’m not even sure what the real story was but right now he is on parole and can’t leave that state. He cannot find a job, and when he does have a job, he can’t hold it. I don’t think he’s ever had a job for more than a year if that. He was living in a homeless mission, and I guess he had a problem with someone there and now he is in an apartment somewhere. It’s hard to say what’s really happening because he lies all the time. He was married for 15 years to a wonderful girl and has a beautiful  daughter they both live near me, and I am very close to my former daughter-in-law , what he put her through was unbelievable and I’m so glad that she and my granddaughter aren’t living with his brand of chaos anymore.
I could write a book about all the horrible things that he has done and about his manipulation of everyone in the family. He is also an alcoholic. He tells me he hasn’t had a drink in a year, but I find it very hard to believe. I am just so ashamed of him and have a lot of guilt and shame. His younger brother is doing fine. He is married, college degree, working , two little boys happy family .  I just don’t know how to help my older son. I have set him up in apartments. I have helped him out financially to the tune of thousands of dollars and nothing seems to work . Today he texted me and told me that he thinks he’s going to be killed. He needs to get out of that state. He said something about it being gang related but told me do not alert, law-enforcement or he will be dead. I don’t know what to think. I know he overdramatizes many things all the time, so is this the truth? Is it an exaggeration? Is it an outright lie? I don’t know. But I’m worried sick , I guess I just needed to vent. I don’t talk about him much to anyone. I don’t think his ex-wife really wants to hear it and shouldn’t have to. I definitely don’t want my granddaughter, his daughter, to know the extent of what he’s done. My current husband, who is a wonderful man is in very poor health, and I don’t want to burden him with this. So basically, I have no one to talk to about this.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Wow that sounds very scary.

Glad you could express everything here, i know people read it

the only think i can think that i feel like might be helpful is - it is what it is.  I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of.  You did your best with what you were able to do, and he is doing what he is with his condition.  It ust is. 

I guess, think if there is anything useful you can do.  and if not, then its just up to him, what he is going to do about it, and what he is going to do next.  If there is a way you can support productive behavior, great!  do it.  If not, then just being there gives him some knowledge of stability.  I think probably don't send money, but up to you.  If you can send money only for small productive steps and not in response to scary stories maybe that's healthier?  If scary stories != money then maybe you will get less of them.

Not that he is totally manipulating or anything like that, really, its just that all of us do more of what is successful.  So if small productive steps are successful and give us tons of attention and good feedback we'll do more of them.  that's what i hope anyway.

And if you don't respond much to the scary stuff he may go lower contact.  that's a possibility.  But i would suggest to give much bigger emotional responses to anything positive, than to anything dramatic. 

Hoping for the best for him and for you!