Knocking Out Traumas One At A Time (Trauma 1, The Sex Site Girl)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I am going to start knocking out traumas on here, and with my counselor, and some I might keep to myself. But the loneliness in all of this is what kills me. I am taking a huge emotional risk here, and also it’s about sex, I’ll try to keep it appropriate. I feel sharing about sex with my counselor might sabotage me, I really don’t want inappropriate feelings to ruin that, and is more likely face to face. Even though I am not too ashamed on the topic, it’s probably going to still be hard for me, as it feels vulnerable on many levels. I ask that any responses be kind.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So I am going to start knocking out traumas on here, and with my counselor, and some I might keep to myself. But the loneliness in all of this is what kills me. I am taking a huge emotional risk here, and also it’s about sex, I’ll try to keep it appropriate. I feel sharing about sex with my counselor might sabotage me, I really don’t want inappropriate feelings to ruin that, and is more likely face to face. Even though I am not too ashamed on the topic, it’s probably going to still be hard for me, as it feels vulnerable on many levels. I ask that any responses be kind.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So anyways, after getting close to my friends Mom and her ghosting me, right before the memorial. I end up talking to this girl on a sex site. We interact casually as I am attracted to her, but she seems like a red flag, she has sexual trauma which I just show her understanding with and empathy. I don’t take advantage of it, as I’d feel like crap if I did. But I do interact with her a bit sexually.

After having like everyone reject my heartfelt poems on some level, I end up talking to another girl going through tough stuff, and share the last poem I wrote. She calls it beautiful, which means a lot to me. But the vulnerability hangover and the abandonment fear hit me hard, because of recent rejections and abandonments. I codependent her and she won’t respond and I spam her a bit. This pain causes me to dump on the BPD girl. And she’s nice to me about it.

Then I like her more and engage her more. And we start hitting it off, i am super attracted to her body, but honestly I am a mental person and she seemed smart and creative enough to engage me. I dunno, felt like the best mental engagement I’ve had on that level.

Anyways, we’re engaging a lot but she’s withholding always a bit, I guess just to screw with me, doesn’t want to take it into messages like I normally do, but we engage so much that I am still hooked. Women and their sexual power over men, pshhh. Anyways, she’s a hot mess on there with her trauma, she’s a hot mess to navigate, but I’m good at being dynamic, so I run with it.
I hit a part where I didn’t please her one time, and she basically stops responding over it. Then makes a post about how she only likes guys that do that. I stand up to her about it because her post also invalidates the way I am, which makes no sense. She makes a post about how mad she is at everyone. I ask her if it’s me. After she gives me some withholding silent treatment crap.

Another thing she did was act like a victim and entitled when a guy stood her up. And I tell her sarcastically that men aren’t obligated to sleep with women either.

So anyways, I’m diving deep with her all over. Excepts she’s still withholding sex In messages, which I’d never put up with this long in normal circumstances. She’s dumping all over and I am supporting her a lot, as I am good at it. I send her funny messages when I miss her, and they work, but when I send her short, venting messages when I feel bummed about things, probably over my friends death, mostly just about feeling sad, but I make them as endearing as I can. She silent treatments those.

Now I’m wrapped up in her, but still feel confused and combative about her saying she only likes people in other roles than me. She’s super good at making excuses and playing dumb. So I kept alternating between feeling fine with it, and confrontational.

At some point my self esteem wears down from the discrepancy. And I fold, and compromise my role and my orientation, as with a history of confusion on this front, even though I am confident in where I’ve landed. This whole thing feels forced. But this is the only way it all adds up in my mind.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Another thing she does when she silent treatments me in messages and I ask about it is play dumb, and says she just didn’t notice. Guys, look out for this one, a girl can act all sweet and say something cute and play dumb, I was a sucker for it.

So anyways, I fight with myself and her and stop talking to her over the role and orientation issue. I get lonely and miss her, and write up a funny sexual thing about her that is sweet, to smooth things over, and I apologize and say I wanna be friends. I’m still confused by her though.

Things escalate, I’m fairly addicted, but I aim for detachment. It’s still quite engaging personally and sexually, she still withholds sex in messages, again, I’d never normally compromise myself so much, but she was attractive and just really good at this. I am exploring this compromised sexuality of mine and it feels crappy. As when I came back I folded on that a second time.

So I share my friends heartfelt eulogy with her, which means a lot to me. I’m still trying to rescue her from her emotional outbursts and trying to get her to love herself, and I give her compliments that she both rejects and accepts, this whole relationship is confusing.

The day before my friends memorial she has a breakdown at work and she says how she doesn’t love herself, and berates herself and I try a softer approach of letting her be down on herself, but empathizing. I now believe she just was down on herself often to suck compliments out of people. She’s happy with this, and I feel intimacy with her that I honestly haven’t felt since my ex girlfriend, as I am avoiding having a girlfriend until my life is together. I write a personal sexual fantasy, don’t normally do ones this personally. It felt important to me, she gives me no credit and uses it to prop herself up on the site.

Next my friends memorial happens and I don’t feel right about it, it, because of how the Mom acts, was super emotional for me. His Mom discards me and withholds the memorial video.

I feel like crap and I have nothing to give this girl. And she in turn silent treatments me, which causes me to realize how she is 100% selfish. I talk about how I need time for me and she says basically that she wants someone who will be with her during misery all the time, I say no. She does abusive stuff like shame a body part, and was shaming another one less directly, this wasn’t in a kinky way either. She wants me to be her boyfriend, I say sorry, I want my life together more before I have one. I realize she did all the same stuff to other men, ones with less self esteem than me, I realize she has BPD. And am confused about my friends Mom.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, next, I feel intense helplessness at night and can’t even think enough to use the computer, I recover. As severe abandonment anxiety hits me and I’m codependenting my pets hardcore. I come up with this plan to devote my life to becoming a sex worker to make sure my pets never die from money concerns. Which a guy my age and body type was never going to succeed at. Trying to save my pets in this way, with a compromised/shamed/traumatized sexuality, causes me to make some guilty moves, since I was pandering to women way too much out of greed and fear, which cascades into a shame/impulse/guilt/regret/impulse complex. And I am 100% miserable in it. Give up on sex work. And during all of this am researching about NPD and BPD, and analyzing my relationships. This is when I realize I need help, and slowly realize all these people in my life have been manipulating me.

And this is how a person with good intentions gets screwed to high heaven by a convergence of events. I know this is salacious, but honestly most of all of this sucked so bad.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Yeah, feel quite embarrassed that I compromised myself this much, but when stuff hit the fan with my friend, and I had a cascade of poor decisions on my part, and people screwing me along the way, this is what happens.

Edit: But I do find it adorable that I became a sex worker to try to rescue my pets, what guy does that?