Relatives visiting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

This weekend we're having a big family reunion close to where I live, 80-100 people from my grandmothers side is coming, some from our neighboring country, including a family we've always been quite close to, but haven't met in ten years. I'd like to meet them more than just that one time on the main event, but my W is even skeptical to us going to that one.They stay at my parents house so there's plenty of opportunities to meet them, my mom has made a few suggestions in my FOO-whatsapp group and I feel stuck.

- telling my wife I want to meet them more than one time would be met with contempt and ridicule, it's just not possible,
- telling my wife I WILL meet them more than one time would make her feel like a victim.
a) if I take the kids with me she will feel abandoned
b) if I leave them with her she will feel used
c) if she comes along, we will be late, and she would probably be quiet all the time which would make me feel uneasy and it isn't worth it to go.

And after all this, she would blame me for expecting too much of her and causing her to get exhausted for days.

Somehow she thinks it is ridiculous/fake/overly sentimental to want to get personal with extended family. I think she sees it as a betrayal to our family to be too engaged in extended family.

Even if we only go to the main event she will expect me to be around her all the time and not be interested in the attention of others. This is one of those occasions when it becomes very apparent how tied up I am in my marriage.

[15years]

Hi,

This weekend we're having a big family reunion close to where I live, 80-100 people from my grandmothers side is coming, some from our neighboring country, including a family we've always been quite close to, but haven't met in ten years. I'd like to meet them more than just that one time on the main event, but my W is even skeptical to us going to that one.They stay at my parents house so there's plenty of opportunities to meet them, my mom has made a few suggestions in my FOO-whatsapp group and I feel stuck.

- telling my wife I want to meet them more than one time would be met with contempt and ridicule, it's just not possible,
- telling my wife I WILL meet them more than one time would make her feel like a victim.
a) if I take the kids with me she will feel abandoned
b) if I leave them with her she will feel used
c) if she comes along, we will be late, and she would probably be quiet all the time which would make me feel uneasy and it isn't worth it to go.

And after all this, she would blame me for expecting too much of her and causing her to get exhausted for days.

Somehow she thinks it is ridiculous/fake/overly sentimental to want to get personal with extended family. I think she sees it as a betrayal to our family to be too engaged in extended family.

Even if we only go to the main event she will expect me to be around her all the time and not be interested in the attention of others. This is one of those occasions when it becomes very apparent how tied up I am in my marriage.

[ForeverDad]

One of the hallmark observations of those in BPD relationships is that they become cut off from their friends and relatives.  And one of their biggest regrets.

Too often it has become an either-or scenario rather than and.

[livednlearned]

Why not start with a big ask: Let's all go to every event and bring the kids, and let me flirt with every woman there. 

Then argue.

Then compromise on something: Let's all go to half the events and bring the kids, and be super social. I won't flirt.

Then argue.

Then compromise on something: Let's you and me go, get babysitters for the kids, I'll never leave your side, we'll buy ropes and you can tug it when you feel lonely in case I'm turned the other way.

Then argue.

Then compromise on something else.

Do that until you get to what you really want then go and have fun while she stays home with the kids and texts you relentlessly.

 

[Blurr]

Why not start with a big ask: Let's all go to every event and bring the kids, and let me flirt with every woman there. 

Then argue.

Then compromise on something: Let's all go to half the events and bring the kids, and be super social. I won't flirt.

Then argue.

Then compromise on something: Let's you and me go, get babysitters for the kids, I'll never leave your side, we'll buy ropes and you can tug it when you feel lonely in case I'm turned the other way.

Then argue.

Then compromise on something else.

Do that until you get to what you really want then go and have fun while she stays home with the kids and texts you relentlessly.

 

This strategy seems flawless.