His Birthday

[Sunflower123]

My currently ex pwBPD's birthday is on Monday. We are still living together and things have been more calm recently. I've been giving him a lot of space as he's requested, but I can see him slowly coming around. It's his birthday on Monday and I would like to do something special for him. I've been very conflicted about this and haven't even mentioned his birthday this year. He hasn't mentioned it to me either. His birthday has always been a trigger. Last year he went on a trip with his friends so I was expecting him to be gone, to be honest. I reluctantly bought him a small gift and a card which I'm planning to set out for him on Monday. I don't know even if he's working or took the day off because he hasn't mentioned a single thing this year. I'm not sure how this will go... I feel really bad that I didn't plan something for this weekend, but he hasn't wanted to spend time with me so I just figured that he wouldn't want to or he'd go out with friends. I'm just wondering if anyone has any ideas of how I could acknowledge his day without rocking the boat. I feel like if I do something he'll get upset and if I don't he'll get upset.. I do care about him and want him to have a special day, but I also want to respect the space he's been wanting. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Sunflower123, sorry it took a minute to catch your post. I see that today (Monday) is wrapping up -- did you end up giving him the card and gift? If so, how did that go?

Am I remembering correctly that you two are still in a relationship (i.e., it's not that you've broken up and are trying to reconnect)?

Sometimes it can help us to reframe our choices away from "how will the pwBPD react" as, like you mention:

I feel like if I do something he'll get upset and if I don't he'll get upset.

If his response weren't a factor, what would you personally want to do, for your integrity, to match who you are?