is therapy the only way for them to take accountability?

[kaycee]

example : I explained big how I got panic attacks and she’s demolishing my psych with her behavior , since one year I’m doing everything and she is single handily ruin us everyday cuz she wont own up to her spltting

Her response : u are purposely destroying my Psyche since one year.

It’s hard then not to start arguing how delusional that is, and that it’s her projection …when she just splitted today for example…

what can someone do about it?

I feel like when I’m not saying Yo that’s not true it’s you with your disorder I’m kinda saying she right with what she is saying.

how to handle that , and back to the post question , is this the only way, and how should I handle these situations?

(she was 7 months in therapy but was more than a month not cuz she is switching now to a female one and it start in august.)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hello Kaycee,

Thanks for this excellent question.  Before I offer you some thoughts, could you clarify something for me?

You have posted on the "Bettering Board".  You are hoping to reverse a break-up.  However you also mark that you are currently not together.  Do I have that correct?

And if I am correct, what are her thoughts on the matter?  How does she feel about continuing the relationship?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Notwendy]

This may seem odd to you, but therapy may be more effective with you than with her. You might wonder why that is- she's the one with the problem - right?

But you are the one who is also dealing with a disordered relationship and have the insight to try to understand a complicated situation. Therapy can help you clarify your own feelings, validate them ( as she isn't able to do that) and navigate your decisions through the situation.

Read about the Karpman triangle. From my own observations ( and I have read it too)-pwBPD assume Victim position. Victims are not accountable. So if you say she's hurting you, she isn't in victim perspective here- you are. So her response is to take Victim perspective and say she is hurting you. Your role has probably been as Rescuer. But if she sees herself as Victim, she perceives you as Persecutor.

Can therapy change that for her? There's really no way to predict if therapy is going to be effective or not. One thing that is true is that change isn't slow. It takes time. You'd likely have to wait and see if it helps or doesn't help. We can not change how anyone else thinks. People who respond to therapy have the insight to see how their thinking and actions interfere with their relationships and who want to change.

If she sees herself as a victim, even if it isn't true - you can't change that for her. It's how she thinks. You are trying to make her think and perceive differently by talking to her but we can't change someone's thinking and if it's dysfunctional - that is how they think.

We can't change another person but we can change ourselves. We can also seek support for our own challenging situations. The person most likely to change is the one troubled by the relationship and who is motivated to make changes- to do that takes the ability to see their situation and their part in it- that is accountability. If your GF can't see that, then therapy is more likely to help you than her.

[uncleflo]

We can't change another person but we can change ourselves. We can also seek support for our own challenging situations. The person most likely to change is the one troubled by the relationship and who is motivated to make changes- to do that takes the ability to see their situation and their part in it- that is accountability. If your GF can't see that, then therapy is more likely to help you than her.

Beautifully said, Notwendy.

[Pricklypickle]

Hi Kaycee,

A few points:

- Many pwBPD who are aware of their condition and know about splitting have described that when they are in the middle of a split, there is no way they can be made aware of the irrationality of their split and go back to normal. Splitting happens due to extremely strong emotions, which can't be rationalized away.

- Since your partner has BPD, they have very fragile emotions, and will often say things that are wrong and hurtful because they are emotionally disregulated. This will not go away, and arguing with her everytime she says something wrong will not create livable circumstances for you. It is best to recognize that those things are said due to emotional disregulation and not try to argue with it too much. You'll find that when things smooth over, she probably won't be expressing the same wrong / hurtful things that she was saying when she was disregulated.

- People with BPD are not good at receiving criticism and they're especially not good at acting on it constructively. They feel blamed and rejected very easily. It sucks but that's how it is. In a normal healthy relationship it's very normal to communicate things that hurt or damage you. But dating someone with BPD, you need to determine what kind of things your partner can listen to and work on constructively, and what things will only lead them to feel blamed and react by "responding to fire with fire". It's harder to rely on a person with BPD as you would on an emotionally heathier person. You have to be confident in your ability to be stable and healthy without their help. It's recommended to have a strong supporting base of family and friends instead of over reliance on a partner with Bpd.