Possibly messed up

[Adventurer006]

I am once again feeling left broken.   I had previously posted on here with suspicions that my wife had BPD. Long story short, about 3 years ago she left me and filed for divorce after being together about 12 years, married 6.   She partially moved out and just verbally abused me for about 3 months or so.   In that time, I learned about BPD and got great support from this community.  I was able to get things worked out, but it is not the same.  The trust was extremely broken and I struggle with my feelings about all of the things that happened.  Also over the past 3 years, she has continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive, with varying degrees.  But, tonight she took off on me again to get mothers house, which she hasn’t done since 3 years ago.   She went totally off on me, talking about wanting a divorce again, which she hadn’t done in 3 years.   Things feel in a bad spot.   I have been feeling pretty down lately with struggles with my job, and also felt excluded by my friends this past weekend.   With all that I was feeling in a pretty low place, and my trust issues arose.  I thought I would try to calmly express to her what’s on my mind.   I said I feel crappy and everything sucks.  My job sucks, my friends suck and I don’t know what all you were doing 3 years ago.   She did not like it.   She denied cheating or talking with any other guys, but then i found she had been texting with a guy on our sons phone during her split.   She claims he was supposed to get them access to some restaurant in New York, but things never happened.   The texts seemed more friendly than that, so it just never sat right with me.  Plus she has always gotten very defensive and attacks whenever it’s been brought up , so we have never been able to really have a full conversation about why it’s just sitting with me.   I try to just move on, but it lingers and there is major issues with me being able to trust her.   I no longer get upset or retaliate to all of her insults and attacks.  I just say that it doesn’t seem like she loves me, talking to me that way.   We had actually not been arguing much at all for about 2 months and then it just totally blew up tonight.  I’m disgusted at the way to spoke to and treated me. Took off to her mothers with the kids and just left me hanging with a ton of insults and threats and stopped answering the phone.  I unfortunately called about 50 times, because I am so distressed over the state of things.   I feel ashamed for making so many calls with no answer.  This stuff drives me nuts though.   I remained calm at all times.  Didn’t bait into all of her insults.   Just continued to reiterate that I just wanted to talk to her and be honest about feelings that keep resurfacing.  That the story with that guy just doesn’t sit right with me.  Just wanted her to tell me who is and what the relationship was.   I know it is futile to try and have a rational conversation.  Usually at some point the next day, she move back into rational and says she didn’t mean the things she says and can’t control herself.   This feels a bit different with her taking off on me for the night and then also not answering my calls and trying to resolve anything.   There was no real build up with this one.  It was just 0 to 100.   I really struggle with a lot of things she has done over the course of our marriage.   I love my children more than anything and can’t imagine living a divorced life.   I struggle with whether I love her at this point. I have taken the road of just taking her abuse, because fighting back just gives her more ammunition to use.   I just let her make herself look like a total piece of ****.  I used to enjoy spending time with her, but now really struggle with wondering who she really is and trusting her.   I can just keep my mouth shut and do all the right things and she is perfectly fine.  But, if I express feelings or try to talk to her about something she may have done to upset or hurt me. That is somehow a reason to start attacking and insulting every bit of me.    I think about growing older and not having anyone who truly gives a crap about me.    My parents are getting older, and once they are gone, I feel like I’ll have no one left who is truly on my side.   I know I would be devastated by losing her though.   If anyone has any advice for me with any of these situation, I would greatly appreciate it.  To note, she has been on and off with psych and counselors.  Taking it seriously when I am at my limit, and then losing interest when things are going better.   They do not seem to be diagnosing her with BPD, but rather bipolar, ocd, and impulse control disorder.   Honestly I believe the professionals are confused by her.    Antipsychotics seem to work well with her, along with triliptal.   But of course consistency is an issues and I am not sure that she is talking as directed lately.   Ultimately, I am feeling pretty low, worried, betrayed, and abandoned at the moment.  It takes a lot for me to express myself this much, and I appreciate anyone taking the time to read about my problems today.   May the lord help you with all of your problems. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.