Excerpts from Journal in 2021

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm stuck in limbo at home. It seems like my spouse might move out and so I am trying to lay low and get my ducks in a row, largely talking to lawyers.  Consensus is that things get a lot easier for me if he actually moves out on his own volition, so I am trying to make it seem as appealing as possible. He just signed a lease (well, we just signed a lease) but I have no idea whether he will actually go. 

In the meantime, I find myself rereading emails from when we were dating and I'm shocked at how I can see myself in the emails I sent - they still sound like me - but the emails from my spouse seem like an entirely different person.

And I've been rereading a journal I kept in 2021. I wanted to put excerpts here as I never shared it with anyone, and while it is so hard to read it, I'm so grateful I wrote it down and kept it. Forcing myself to read it reminds me that I am doing the right thing. I kept journals in the past, but I always threw them out - thinking that it wasn't 'healthy' to dwell on the negative. I wish I had them now.

"This morning, my husband, her dad lashed out at [my daughter]. And he put the whole weight of his world on her shoulders - his frustration and anger. He told her he would not support her if she was not the best. He told her there is no hope for her. He shamed her and made her cry. She didn't know what to say. And I sat there, quietly, and let it happen. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, what would be the best thing to protect my little girl, and ensure that she realized she actually gets to have a voice in her life - that her voice is the most important voice."

"And I realized that my husband was making this story - this sadness for my daughter - entirely about him It was about his commitment, his sacrifice, his ambition - and not really about the ambition of my daughter at all."

"My husband just said that sometimes he wishes I was more complicated at my core."

"I can't live with this much anger. I deserve happiness in my life. I deserve being able to get through a day without someone else dictating my mood."

"He is depressed. He has no self confidence or sense of self worth. He resents me. He drinks too much."

"How do I think about divorce if I think my husband might commit suicide?"

"He makes comments about how he doesn't desrve this - he doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat him - he is always threatening to leave."

"Will I have the same 'what if' thoughts 4 years from now if I don't leave now? If I had left 4 years ago, maybe things would be different"

"I told him about my mom's cancer scare -I was crying - and he immediately started talking about XX. If I don't bring up my mom's cancer thing, he won't bring it up. He minimizes my desire to be close to my family."

"He is worried about being perceived as a failure"

"He spoke to me in this tone of anger and frustration because there were only three glasses for the OJ this morning. This is because I had used one yesterday and left it next to my bed. He has asked me not to do this repeatedly - why do I still do it? Can I fix everything about myself? Always refill the water in the coffee machine and never leave clothes in the washer and stain treat all the towels and close the cabinets and eat more vegetables and quit my job and be the person he wants me to be?"

"It is not true to say I would do anything to save my marriage. There are somethings I cannot do. I cannot keep living the way I am living. This is not a life. There is nothing happy about our house."

"He always says that I am not listening to him, I'm not reacting to him."

"We argued last night. He had drunk a bottle of wine. He slurred his words at dinner with droopy eyelids. He asked my opinion and then said he didn't care about my opinions or feelings. I'm not supportive of him. Ridiculed me for not knowing about taxes or financial matters. Telling me I'm damaging my family by not advancing my career. Putting my kids in dangerous situations by not advancing my career. I'm so tired of it. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I'm tired of him ridiculing me."

"In the back of my mind, why does he resent me so much?"

"He makes snide comments more often now - he mimics me in a high voice and with a funny face when I say something that he disagrees with or thinks is stupid. He got so mad at me about my career. And I resent it - this isn't his choice to make. I feel like his self worth is somehow wrapped up in my career and our kids."

"Last week at the airport he flipped out and yelled at our daughter to go away. And she did, and then we couldn't find her. It was terrifying. And he didn't talk to us the whole flight home and took his own uber home from the airport."

"He told me I have a simple mind"

"He got mad at me about furniture on the night I thought we would be celebrating"

"There is no joy, no happiness. It is my son's birthday and I want to dance in the kitchen and make jokes and instead I'm hiding upstairs, because I'm worried if I go downstairs he will get mad at me and I'll ruin the moment. Though he just yelled at our daughter so probably doesn't help that I'm hiding"

"He cut into me. Said I don't listen to him about the things he is an expert in. Cutting me down. I don't think he likes me. I think he is jealous of me. He has no interests."

[Forward2023]

I'm stuck in limbo at home. It seems like my spouse might move out and so I am trying to lay low and get my ducks in a row, largely talking to lawyers.  Consensus is that things get a lot easier for me if he actually moves out on his own volition, so I am trying to make it seem as appealing as possible. He just signed a lease (well, we just signed a lease) but I have no idea whether he will actually go. 

In the meantime, I find myself rereading emails from when we were dating and I'm shocked at how I can see myself in the emails I sent - they still sound like me - but the emails from my spouse seem like an entirely different person.

And I've been rereading a journal I kept in 2021. I wanted to put excerpts here as I never shared it with anyone, and while it is so hard to read it, I'm so grateful I wrote it down and kept it. Forcing myself to read it reminds me that I am doing the right thing. I kept journals in the past, but I always threw them out - thinking that it wasn't 'healthy' to dwell on the negative. I wish I had them now.

"This morning, my husband, her dad lashed out at [my daughter]. And he put the whole weight of his world on her shoulders - his frustration and anger. He told her he would not support her if she was not the best. He told her there is no hope for her. He shamed her and made her cry. She didn't know what to say. And I sat there, quietly, and let it happen. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, what would be the best thing to protect my little girl, and ensure that she realized she actually gets to have a voice in her life - that her voice is the most important voice."

"And I realized that my husband was making this story - this sadness for my daughter - entirely about him It was about his commitment, his sacrifice, his ambition - and not really about the ambition of my daughter at all."

"My husband just said that sometimes he wishes I was more complicated at my core."

"I can't live with this much anger. I deserve happiness in my life. I deserve being able to get through a day without someone else dictating my mood."

"He is depressed. He has no self confidence or sense of self worth. He resents me. He drinks too much."

"How do I think about divorce if I think my husband might commit suicide?"

"He makes comments about how he doesn't desrve this - he doesn't deserve to be treated the way I treat him - he is always threatening to leave."

"Will I have the same 'what if' thoughts 4 years from now if I don't leave now? If I had left 4 years ago, maybe things would be different"

"I told him about my mom's cancer scare -I was crying - and he immediately started talking about XX. If I don't bring up my mom's cancer thing, he won't bring it up. He minimizes my desire to be close to my family."

"He is worried about being perceived as a failure"

"He spoke to me in this tone of anger and frustration because there were only three glasses for the OJ this morning. This is because I had used one yesterday and left it next to my bed. He has asked me not to do this repeatedly - why do I still do it? Can I fix everything about myself? Always refill the water in the coffee machine and never leave clothes in the washer and stain treat all the towels and close the cabinets and eat more vegetables and quit my job and be the person he wants me to be?"

"It is not true to say I would do anything to save my marriage. There are somethings I cannot do. I cannot keep living the way I am living. This is not a life. There is nothing happy about our house."

"He always says that I am not listening to him, I'm not reacting to him."

"We argued last night. He had drunk a bottle of wine. He slurred his words at dinner with droopy eyelids. He asked my opinion and then said he didn't care about my opinions or feelings. I'm not supportive of him. Ridiculed me for not knowing about taxes or financial matters. Telling me I'm damaging my family by not advancing my career. Putting my kids in dangerous situations by not advancing my career. I'm so tired of it. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I'm tired of him ridiculing me."

"In the back of my mind, why does he resent me so much?"

"He makes snide comments more often now - he mimics me in a high voice and with a funny face when I say something that he disagrees with or thinks is stupid. He got so mad at me about my career. And I resent it - this isn't his choice to make. I feel like his self worth is somehow wrapped up in my career and our kids."

"Last week at the airport he flipped out and yelled at our daughter to go away. And she did, and then we couldn't find her. It was terrifying. And he didn't talk to us the whole flight home and took his own uber home from the airport."

"He told me I have a simple mind"

"He got mad at me about furniture on the night I thought we would be celebrating"

"There is no joy, no happiness. It is my son's birthday and I want to dance in the kitchen and make jokes and instead I'm hiding upstairs, because I'm worried if I go downstairs he will get mad at me and I'll ruin the moment. Though he just yelled at our daughter so probably doesn't help that I'm hiding"

"He cut into me. Said I don't listen to him about the things he is an expert in. Cutting me down. I don't think he likes me. I think he is jealous of me. He has no interests."

[Cat Familiar]

I think it is helpful, though potentially emotionally draining, to process these moments in history.

Though my husband is much kinder than yours, there are a multitude of incidents I can recount where his casual cruelty left a mark on me. At the time, I excused it, ignored it, tried to let it go, etc., but my memory recorded it. And like your husband, he had a habit of drinking…every day…to excess…and I’m searching for a word that describes a large amount of excess.

Recently I did a thought exercise where I recalled a good portion of these incidents one night when I had insomnia. It was telling.

On the whole, my husband is a kind human being. But he has a personality disorder diagnosed by a psychologist, and has never been told that. There’s definitely a portion of narcissism, but I think BPD is the major issue.

In doing my thought exercise, I was shocked at how much I overlooked, yet still saw. I think of it as self invalidation, while I was trying everything I could think of to make the relationship better.

None of my efforts bore fruit, until I finally landed here and simultaneously did therapy with the psychologist who had seen us for more than a year of unfruitful couples counseling. She let me know of his personality disorder diagnosis.

Once I saw the truth, I had to mourn the relationship I could never have with him and learn how to communicate with him in a manner that would get through, not the way that was habitual for me.

This has definitely improved things. There is much less conflict, anger, resentment. But, to be honest, it is a *special needs* relationship. I cannot be as open and genuine as I can be with my friends. It’s sad that this is the reality of my marriage, but there are some benefits to this relationship. And truly everyone has baggage. I won’t lie—it’s very disappointing, but it is what it is.