Pregnancy

[LonelyWife]

Hi All,

I found out I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how to tell my husband with BPD. I feel like he will be happy since we have been planning this but I'm terrified that he will blow up and take it badly. Since finding out that he has BPD I've been scared to talk to him and communicate on a regular basis. Now finding out that I'm pregnant it really scares me to talk to him and tell him the news. Should I be worried about this? I feel like I may be overreacting and overthinking about this but I'm not sure.

Thanks all for the advice!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

It is hard, but to a huge extent, we are able to choose what behaviour and treatment we allow from others, including our bpd spouses. I don’t think we’ve met before, but I personally have found the tools really helpful and the “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” book. I feel like a hypocrite, because with my wife I made huge amounts of progress in communicating with her and she actually became more mature, and then suddenly she changed and spilt me long term black, and I started trying to appease her to “keep the peace” again, whilst knowing it could be making things worse (who knows?).

What I would say is, be prepared as you can for the road ahead. I don’t know your husband, but if you’re worried he could respond in anger to the pregnancy you’ve planned together, then I feel somewhat able to advise. Validate validate validate. Don’t jade (justify, argue, defend, explain). He is potentially going to feel displaced by the new baby, either immediately upon learning about it, or within the next few days as the news sinks in, or failing that then definitely when baby arrives. Acknowledge and value his feelings whilst still making it clear as you can that the baby’s needs will always come first (he will know this). I am in a lesbian marriage, and whilst my wife has carried and birthed our children, my biggest fear was her rejecting them and not wanting me to care for them and in the worse case I’d have to fight for custody or they’d go into care. Fortunately she has not rejected any of them. But the jealousy is what drives me mad. She is jealous of their relationship with me and their love for me and of course my love for them.

I hope it goes well for you. We are always here for you.